Explaining BDSM Relationships: My Field Metaphor

A sunset setting over a grassy field

BDSM relationships: they’re all the same, right? Wrong.

BDSM relationships and fields. It sounds a little crazy, right? Well, maybe. Hear me out.

Imagine that you and your partner own a big, wide field. On that field are two gates – one on either side. All you and your partner need to do is create a path that joins the gates, but how do you do it, exactly? You could make your path:

  • Short or long
  • Be very straight, or have lots of corners or curves
  • Have sharp corners, or smooth, rounded corners (strict, or more allowing)
  • Have spiked railings or rose bush borders
  • Be made from concrete, tarmac or cobblestone, or even mud

And so on..

So how is a BDSM relationship suimilar? Your dynamic might:

  • Be short and brief, or long and serious
  • Be set to a particular dynamic, or continually evolving over time
  • Have lots of strict rules, or be more relaxed and fun
  • Have lots of extreme play, or be softer, sensual and more loving (or both)
  • Decide to wear leather, latex or lace to play, or if you even play in the nude

Et cetera.

Maybe you’ll have a few fields with different partners (polyamory), and each path will be different. That’s okay.

If you have a short, straight path with one person and a long, curvy path with the next, that’s totally fine.

All that matters is that you and your partner agree on what that path looks like, because in this community, we call that consent. If you and your partner can’t agree on what that path looks like, do NOT agree to ‘own a field’ (have a relationship) with them. Your safety and happiness should come first, always.

My point is, each path will vary, and no two paths are likely to be the same. I’ve had short paths before, and I have a long path now. I’ve had very straight paths (because I needed it at the time), and my current path is much curvier, with lots and lots of rose bushes! Whatever you want your BDSM relationship to look like, talk, discuss and make your dynamic work for you. Your path is your journey. You may decide from time to time that you don’t like a part of it and you want to redevelop it – go right ahead! Do whatever works for you, with your partner.

And if anyone else tells you that your path is wrong or that they disagree with how you’re redeveloping it? Tell them where to go.

After all, it’s not their field to be planning đŸ˜‰

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx

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