Myth vs Fact: 15 Misconceptions About Kinky People

A pair of handsi n leath cuffs on a red silky sheet, suggests a kinky person


Whether it’s our dynamics, our behaviours, the way we dress or the way we live, there are tonnes of ideas out there about who we are or the things that have happened to us in our lives. I’ve wracked my brains and gathered up fifteen of the most popular myths that I can think of, and decided to set the record straight. For the kinky folks among, this is probably going to be a painfully humorous post. For the rest, I hope this post is informative, funny and helps you avoid some shame and embarrassment next time you cross paths with us devilishly naughty individuals!

Are we ready? Here we go…

1. Myth: We Wear Weird Clothes, Have Odd Hairstyles Or Have Loads Of Piercings


Fact: No, not always. While some people might have several tattoos, body modifications or have a really different hairstyle, that’s not always the case. There is no one way for a kinky person to dress, and it really is all about personal tastes. Some people have piercings, some wear latex or PVC and some like to wear suits or elegant dresses. How you present and what you wear in your scene play is entirely about your personal preferences. If it makes you feel confident and sexy, go for it!

2. Myth: Kinky People Were Abused Or Are Damaged In Some way


Fact: Thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, this has become a common perception and it just isn’t the case. Although both Matt and myself have had some issues in our childhood, it wasn’t anything like it was portrayed in the movie. For me, it was much more about anxious, overprotective parents than it was an abusive upbringing. Regardless, there are plenty of people out there who are into BDSM just for the thrill of it. Life is for enjoying!

3. Myth: Kinky people are Goths


Fact: Similar to my first point, this also isn’t true. Although many BDSM events call for “smart black” attire to be worn, it’s not the same as being Goth. We do have quite a strong Goth culture within the BDSM community, but again, we’re not necessarily one and the same.

4. Myth: Kinky People Always Wear Gimp Suits


Fact: There is that stereotype, isn’t there? You see it on TV, someone who is portrayed as having a kink or a fetish is usually either wearing a ballgag, a harness or a gimp suit, but that’s just not always true. Outside of scenes, most kinky people wear normal, everyday clothes!

5. Myth: Dominants Need To Be Strict And Serious, Otherwise They Aren’t Really Dominant


Fact: This one came from Matt and he felt it needed to be mentioned because he too made this mistake. There is a strong belief that to be Dominant, you need to be strict, shouty and aggressive – that just isn’t the case! Daddy Dominants pride themselves on being much gentler and many of the Dominants that I’ve met have a cracking sense of humour. It’s not about being strict, it’s about having agreed rules and expectations in your dynamic. You are every bit still a Dominant if you like to laugh in your scenes- don’t listen to anyone else!

6. Myth: All Submissives Like Or Require Pain


Fact: Please just give me a brick wall that I can bounce my head off of right now. No? Well okay, I suppose because that would be demonstrating the point. People really, really need to understand the difference between “submissive” and “masochist”. A submissive likes to be told what to do, a masochist likes to receive pain. Although they often go hand in hand, they aren’t necessarily the same. Always, always talk to your partner and discuss what you (or they) need.

7. Myth: People Who Call Their Partner “Daddy” (Or “Mommy”) Have Issues


Fact: Sigh… no. I love my Dad, I was very close to my Dad and I miss my Dad terribly, but I never, ever had any “issues” with him. The only issue I had was calling my husband Daddy while my Dad was still alive because it kept confusing things! Of course, now some people might look at it and think it was some form of complex grief, but that’s just not the case. The Daddy kink means different things to different people, all of them are valid.

8. Myth: All Kinky People Have A Dungeon With Tonnes Of Toys


Fact: I had to stifle a giggle when I read this one back because I have heard it so, so often! “You’re a BDSM blogger, do you have a dungeon that you write from?”. What? No! I write from a desk in my lounge and have a monochromatic bedroom with a double bed kitted out with under-the-mattress restraints. Our toys are in a drawer unit at the end of the bed and that really is it. There is no Red Room Of Pain – most of us couldn’t afford it!

9. Myth: BDSM Is About Sex


Fact: True story for you guys, I once told a virtual penpal that I was a BDSM blogger and he responded by sending me eight different photos of… yep, his penis. BDSM is a psychological and sensual experience and although sex can be a part of it, the two are not necessarily the same. A BDSM session is not a failure just because it didn’t involve sex. It’s still a perfectly good session if all you did was got tied up and tickled. Don’t ruin a good thing because it didn’t involve sex!

10. Myth: BDSM Without Pain Is Not BDSM


Fact: Similar to what I said about submissives and masochists, you do not have to have pain to be into BDSM. The only part of BDSM that typically involves pain is S&M, Sadism & Masochism. Do you know one of the biggest and best punishments that I love to hate? I’m a bit of a control freak, and a bit of me dies inside when I can’t have or do something. Matt doesn’t even need to lay a finger on me to punish me!

11. Myth: Kinky People Are Satanists


Fact: If you think I’ll bite the head off of a bat in true Ozzy Osborne fashion, you’re wrong. In fact, I’m far more likely to keep it as a pet – I love bats! There may be the odd one or two, but most kinky people are actually rather empathic towards people and animals.

12. Myth: BDSM Is Against Religion


Fact: You know, I’ve researched this quite extensively and it seems like, certainly in more modern times at least, that isn’t true. It seems that the only time it’s against religion is if it’s with a partner out of wedlock or with a partner of the same sex. As times change and we progress in society, we can also expect attitudes to change, too. I for one stepped away from the church because of my interests in BDSM, but I gradually began to realise that God may no longer judge me because I practice it with my husband in a loving relationship. Even if I don’t go to church, I still believe in something and hold some Unitarian values.

13. Myth: People Who Act Like Animals Want To Have Sex With Real Animals (Or Their “Owners’ Do)


Fact: Again, no. Pet play is about being able to express your inner animal, it is about being able to switch off from your human self and behave on a more primal level. As a kitten myself. I love to pounce, swat, bite, lick and behave in all kinds of other animalistic ways. It’s nothing more than a chance to let go and behave however you want to behave, without fear or judgement. Did you play with a “hobby horse” as a kid? Did you enjoy jumping over things with your pretend pony? Now ask yourself this, who did the jumping? The pony, or you? It can be great to let go and imagine, even as adults.

14. Myth: If Someone Is Submissive, It’s Okay To Disrespect Them


Fact: Ha! I wouldn’t advise it. Most submissives are very strong-willed people in their day-to-day lives. For us, the only people who are permitted to speak to us in any way less are the people that we decide to play with, in a scene. If we haven’t agreed to anything, please treat us like you would treat anyone else, for your own sakes.

15. Myth: If you meet someone who is Dominant and you are submissive, it’s a match!


Fact: Whilst the opposite also applies, the answer is usually still the same. When I preferred a more Dominant role, I was approached by numerous young men who were of the opinion that I was their missing piece, but it’s really just not that easy. Kinky people can be wanting different things, have different responsibilities, offer different levels of commitment and even simply different interests. Get talking, and leave no stone unturned.


I hope you enjoyed this post and it gave you a chuckle or three. What misconceptions have you come across? Let me know in the comments!

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,


Helen xx

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