It’s not nice, but it does happen. Here are some tips that help me when our kink nights don’t go ahead as planned.
Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.
Last Friday, I was supposed to look forward to another one of those fun and kinky sessions with Wolfie. It’d been long-awaited and I’d hoped I’d be up to it after my foot injury, but alas, it wasn’t to be. It started with a surprise visit from my mother, followed by the sudden arrival (and subsequent need to assemble, damn me!) of our new electronic clothes dryer, and finished with an unexpected and definitely not essential call from my neighbour. By the time we’d even sat down to dinner, it was 9:30pm. Tired, frustrated, hungry and not feeling even remotely submissive, I made the decision to cancel our evening. After a day like Friday, I felt as though we both needed it.
Make no mistake, coping with all of the emotions that follow when playtime gets cancelled is hard, but, with a few all important self-care techniques, you really can feel better within an hour or two. Before we get started, let’s just cover a few things you absolutely should not do:
- Don’t Guilt – “If you went to bed earlier, you wouldn’t be too tired to play!” you say. Sorry, but that’s rubbish. Your partner might have had a really long day in the office or they might have been up late planning you a surprise birthday party. People are people, and your partner might have a perfectly valid reason for being tired.
- Don’t Abuse – Never, ever, ever abuse someone for cancelling a session, ever. Whether you shout at them, hit them, call them names, I don’t care. At the end of the day, the things we get up to is all sort of a fantasy, a bit of a game, it’s not really real, is it? Nobody actually owns anyone, so don’t treat them that way if they’ve had to cancel for any reason. If you abuse them for having to cancel a scene unexpectedly, then I 100% back them for walking away. Nobody deserves that.
- Don’t Manipulate – “But I’ve been so good lately, I deserve to play!”. Yes, and your partner has worked hard and deserves to rest. Nobody, not one of us, is better than the other. Nobody here is special.
- Don’t Get Angry – If you want to ruin trust in any relationship, getting angry is 100% the way to do it. Of course you feel frustrated and that’s fine, but there are far better ways to express your frustration, which we’ll get onto in just a minute.
Handle the situation with dignity and grace, and the outcome will be a lot better for you both in the long run.
Now let’s move on to what you can do!
10 Tips For Coping When BDSM Play Gets Cancelled
1. Keep Yourself Safe
When we feel angry, one of the first things we do is lash out. You may be tempted to smash something or harm yourself to get negative feelings out. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe from harm, do it. Make that a priority.
2. Connect With Yourself
Really feel the way your body is feeling. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and really connect with the way this cancelled session feels within you. Do you feel sad? Does your stomach hurt? Are your muscles tight? Allow yourself to really feel and connect with how it makes you feel. However you feel, it’s okay.
When a session gets cancelled, one of my first and favourite things to do to help me get back on track is to kneel and meditate in the “Nadu” (hands on your thighs, palm up, head down) position. It really helps me to reconnect with the peace that I feel when I am otherwise being submissive. It might not dissuade your feelings completely, but mediation can be a powerful tool to dissuade negative emotions like sadness and anger.
4. Take A Shower (And Maybe Listen To Music)
A long hot shower and loud music for the soul is like cheese and wine to the palette, When playtime gets cancelled, I get notoriously sore and tense muscles, so a nice hot shower and some moody music can really help soothe me. Take as long as you want and need and feel however you feel or need to feel. This is your time to unwind from the evening’s events.
5. Cry, If You Need To
Sometimes, we feel anger or sadness that a session has been cancelled and for submissives particularly, that can be an awfully upsetting experience which carries extremely negative emotions like feeling undesired or unworthy. Those feelings, whilst not entirely founded, are nonetheless valid. Emotions are never invalid, they are simply what you feel in response to a situation, and whatever you feel in response to this situation is okay,
6. Journal/Write A Letter
Once you start to feel a little better, you can begin to think about writing about the decision in a journal. You might have one you share with your partner, or you might not. If you do, you could use it as a chance to express (nicely) how the decision made you feel. If you don’t, you could write out how you feel and confide in your journal like you were talking to a good friend. You could also try writing a letter to your partner. You don’t have to give it too them, if you don’t want to.
7. Masturbate, Or Have Sex
It’s no secret that for a lot of people, BDSM play involves sex. If a BDSM session gets cancelled, then that can also mean, for most men, a nice juicy set of blue balls! If you and your partner have a regular relationship, you may decide you still want intimacy but you only want to have sex. If you live apart, or your partner doesn’t want to have sex either, then you might want to masturbate. You may also decide that your mind is full of some dirty, sordid thoughts that you need to get out of your system and that masturbation is the only way to purify your brain. Whatever you decide is A-okay.
8. Snuggle Up
Maybe you don’t want to have sex, but maybe a good, long cuddle session can be just as good instead. A cuddle can help, and a gentle massage (even a shoulder rub) can release those dopamine rushes, too. On your own? Why not invest in a weighted blanket. Not-playing-tonight blues are still a form of depression, you know? A weighted blanket can help you with that.
9. Look After Yourself
Make sure you eat well, drink plenty of water, get some exercise and get plenty of rest. Try to distract yourself from the situation and explore some other fun activities as well. A cancelled play session can bring about feelings of depression, so it’s important to do the things that we enjoy and make sure we look after ourselves first. Remember, there can always be another time, but there is only ever one you.
10. Communicate & Agree
Now for the really tricky part, you need to discuss what went wrong and how you can overcome it. If it’s just a one off occurrence, apologise to your partner, make up for lost time and carry on as usual. If it’s a regular occurrence, maybe you could play the next day (sometimes we have some really rough sex on a Saturday morning instead!), maybe you could arrange a whole new play session, you could change some part of your lifestyle, or you could explore polyamory. Take baby steps first and only make the big decisions when you need to. Whatever you do, just make sure you keep talking to one another!
So there we have it! How do you cope when you don’t play? Let me know in the comments!
Until next time,
Stay safe & have fun,