If you clicked on this post, the first thing you should know is that I say this exceptionally tongue-in-cheek. The second thing you should know is that, even in my now nearing fourteen years of experience, I still can’t tell you what it’s like to be ‘properly dominated’.
But that, my dears, is because ‘proper domination’ simply doesn’t exist.
Not so long ago, I made the decision to reinstall the anonymous chat app, Whisper. You should know that I have an ongoing love-hate relationship with Whisper and it is a far cry from one of the best, but for the purposes as a ways and means to pass the time, Whisper is a great idea.
Now, as BDSM is a lot of things that I do, I am part of the ‘bdsmfriends’ group on Whisper. Of course was going to be! Because of what I do, the group is somewhere that I like to post when I can’t share my goings on on Facebook. For the most part I have met some great people on there, but possibly an estimated 9-in-10 otherwise good conversations have been turned into a you-and-me style sex chat at some point or another. Unfortunately, it just seems that’s what an overwhelming majority of the male audience is there for.
Nearly always, those chats conclude at a point whereby you can only laugh and shake your head. Take this chap, for example:
Unfortunately, I forgot to screenshot the last part of the conversation before I blocked him, but the response to this photo was “hmm not quite what I meant”. None to worry though, after this incident, I knew exactly what I’d be writing about today.
Dear God, save me, please.
Firstly, the very fact that this guy refers to a BDSM session as a ‘red room experience’ should be alarming. A ‘red room experience’ would tell me that he gets his preconceptions of BDSM from Fifty Shades Of Grey, not exactly a great example.
Secondly, a “proper dom owner master”? What the f.. our and a half is a one of those?
How do we define who is proper, and who is not?
What if I don’t want to be owned, what then?
An owner master? Aren’t Owners and Masters two separate roles in two somewhat different dynamics? (Answer: Yes).
This is the thing that really worries me today.
That this young man could tell me that my red room experience was ‘not what I meant’ is as alarming as it is amusing. The red room is where I play, it’s where we play. Throw in a few candles in the holders and it’s all game, set, match. I mean, why wouldn’t you?
So, then, what exactly is a red room experience?
Heck, even, what is a BDSM experience?
You see, lovelies, that’s what all of this comes down to. Have I had a BDSM experience?
And of course, the answer to that is a resounding yes, I have. In my 14 years, I’ve had plenty.
But who gets to decide what a BDSM session looks like? And more importantly, who gets to decide what a proper Dom is?
Well, except me now.
My dears, nobody in his or her right mind gets to tell you what is or is not proper BDSM or who is and isn’t a proper Dom, and if infuriates me no end as a BDSM educator that anyone with barely an iota of knowledge can determine to whom or what it applies. If it feels significant to you and your partner for the purposes of your relationship, it’s BDSM play. Whether it’s making dinner, playing with Legos or a hot flogging and wax play scene. None of us, not one, have any right to decide what is and isn’t kinky.
A BDSM session does not need to involve whipping and screaming and facefucking and all of the other things you find on PornHub. It does not need to involve dozens of rules and behaviours and protocols. If you say your BDSM session is such, then it is, it’s just as simple as that.
I do not need to be ‘put in your place’ I know my place. My place is along side my husband, my place is with my family and at my desk, writing for you. That’s my place, and only very occasionally it’s as my husband’s submissive, too.
If you’re new to the BDSM community, please sit down, open your ears and listen! BDSM play is not always like it is in porn or in the movies, it’s an intricate mix of power exchanges, loving (and sometimes painful) actions and intense sex. Have hot, rough sex with your partner if you want to, just please don’t call it BDSM.