Raunchy Ramble: Watch Out, Nigella Lawson!

Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.

Good afternoon lovelies,

I hope you’ve all had a lovely week. This hot weather has done me a weird one. I keep thinking it’s the weekend so I get confused when nobody messages back for hours at a time. Nevermind, plenty of hydration and light clothes shall see me through!

This week has been super-chaotic, in a way. I’ve been busy today writing up my goals for my blog (which are apparently more “beliefs”, according to the big bad boss!) and so I’ve been tasked with writing some goals that I want to achieve by Christmas. As if deciding what I want for my birthday (next month) and sewing an advent calendar wasn’t enough of a smudge of pressure on my plate, oh no, now that darling husband of mine is giving me more work to do!

Lately, if you’ve followed my Instagram, you’ll know that I’ve taken great pleasure in cooking. Since introducing to my life, I’ve enjoyed cooking our dinner nearly every night. I love cooking and I love cooking shows (especially Gordon Ramsay), but since exploring Gousto, my willingness to try out new flavours has gone up substantially as Gousto talk you through it.

To clarify bere, if you’ve never heard of her, Nigella Lawson is a British chef who is famed for her double entendres and not-so-subtle innuendos. The men love her, for me personally, one or two innuendos are more than enough to spice things up. At first, Nigella had a flirtatious style and blatant sex appeal. As time has gone on though, the comments are now so frequent that it’s quite clear Nigella is broadcast and paid purely to sexualise TV cooking, which immediately makes it not so sexy at all. Like her or hate her, let’s move on with the story!

On Thursday, we invited my mother and her lodger to visit for dinner and try out one of the recipes. Owing to my mother’s love of roasted Mediterranean vegetables, I decided to go with Balsamic Sausages And Roasted Veg Couscous with an additional rocket salad, plus a homemade lemon cheesecake (not in a jar this time!) and ginger ice cream for dessert. I also made a raspberry coulis to finish it all off, but I was so sure that I’d seen pools of water thicker than that and so I decided to leave it off.

“Ooh I say!” chimed my mother, “are we eating on the terrace?”. I grinned and nodded.

The “terrace” isn’t really a terrace at all. It’s a corner of the garden which was once covered in soil and weeds and has now been exposed, levelled and filled in with pea gravel. A small 3 x 3m area, it’s the prime spot for a gazebo for a touch of al fresco dining. Under the gazebo, I set up a fold-up table and pulled the patio chairs over, along with the fold-out ones that we usually use with our indoor fold-up dining table. Our table looked a bit sad without a floral centrepiece, but Simon the succulent made a welcome stand-in instead!

Vegetables roasted and meat cooked, I popped in to whip up the couscous and plate up our meal. As I continued to stir the stock cube into the jug of boiling water, Wolfie walked into the kitchen.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to do anything?” he asked.

“I’m fine, I’m just making sure I stir this through properly so that I don’t give anyone a salty mouthful” I replied.

Dear readers, it was out before I could even stop myself, and yes, we laughed.

Boy did we laugh!

Wolfie laughed so hard that he had to leave the kitchen, and I laughed so hard that I had to lean on the counter for support. Red-faced and flustered, I managed to compose myself enough to proceed. But I wasn’t done there.

“Ack!” I exclaimed.

“What’s wrong?”

“It squirted and got me in the eyes” I replied, gesturing at the roasted red pepper that I was chopping up.

“Ahem, happens occasionally” Wolfie grinned.

“Behave!” I hissed at him, “we have company!”

“You should have been wearing these” Wolfie said, pulling my Onion Goggles from the drawer. I’m sure that the Onion Goggles have a multitude of uses, and I’ve used them for every reason from chopping vegetables to sanding down filler work, so my husband’s running joke is that they could also protect my optical organs from other less civilised white substances, too. Still, we aren’t about to test that theory any time soon!

With dessert a hit and the gnats starting to bite, we headed indoors for a fun-filled evening with our Google Nest Mini. Having seemingly never stepped into a smart home before, Ronan entertained himself by changing the colour of the LEDs and asking Google out on a date. Asking Google to recite pi for us all was the final act that concluded our night.

I hope by now you’ve all recovered from laughing at my faux pas and you are staying lovely and cool in this crazy summer heat!

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx



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