How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
Going right back to my school days, I remember the thoughts I used to have about being tied up and forced to perform various sex acts on the groups of boys above me. I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t know why they were, but I do know that was what turned me on. When we had sex education, I do remember being bored by it all. I was bored by penises and vaginas. I was bored by sex, it all seemed so dull and mechanical. When did the good stuff start?
As I discovered masturbation, I do remember that there were certain criteria that mattered to push me over the edge. I didn’t want to be wined and dined, I wanted to be told that I was going to come, I wanted to be forced to come. Only at the idea of being forced over the edge did I ever find it possible to reach my sexual plateau. I remember the words “good girl” had a profound effect on me at the height of orgasm and I’d whisper them to myself as I hit my release. Again, at that age, I had yet to come to understand their significance, all I knew was that I wanted someone to be strict, mean and bossy with me and to hurt me and fuck me in ways that felt rough and painful, but also exceptionally good at the same time. I had fought in me, and I wanted someone who could handle and overcome that fight. So my “the one” looked a little different than for my peers. Candlelit dinners and rose petal baths? No thankyou, I’d be bored.
Growing up, I felt very different from my peers. I wasn’t interested in Justin Timberlake, I preferred Abs Breen. I didn’t like Robbie Williams, I preferred Shane Filan. I liked quieter, darker, slightly more mysterious guys. I liked to imagine what it would feel like to have my flesh bound with rope and I liked to wrap things around my wrists that accidentally-on-purpose felt a lot like it might do to be tied up. I couldn’t help myself and I didn’t understand it, all I knew, was that it felt good.
For reasons that I can’t currently go into (and that don’t involve assault, paedophilia or anything else that fits the media’s “victims of abuse” narrative), I came to discover BDSM before my 18th birthday. It is my hope and dream that I will be able to share my story with you one day, but unfortunately, right now, that’s just not possible. Once I come to understand what BDSM was, all of the pieces just sort of slotted into place. BDSM.. I’d practice those letters regularly, B-D-S-M...
I was into it, I liked it..
Heck, I even knew that I loved it.
Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I tried to be Dominant for a while. I was so sure that it was what I wanted, what I needed, what was right for me. I was an assertive woman by day so I could be assertive by nightfall, too. How hard could it possibly be?
Yeah, don’t do that, kids.
Very quickly, I found that I had no experience. I had partners who didn’t want to be led, they wanted to be dictated and bullied. I wasn’t used to that and I wasn’t into that, I liked to support and guide and I liked to see my partners shine. I didn’t want to tell people what to do and I didn’t want to punish them for not doing it. Do what I ask because you want to, or don’t, it’s all up to you. Once they disobeyed my relaxed approach, I also found that I got bored with being expected to punish my partners. I didn’t want to punish men, I wanted to be protected by them. I didn’t want to discipline them, I wanted to be led by them. All the time that I was punishing them, a little part of me wanted them to flip the situation on its head and have them punish me.
And that, undeniably, turned me on.
As time went on, I came to realise that the pull to Domination wasn’t nearly as high as I had expected. I’d put myself as 60% submissive and 40% Dominant, then 70-30, and gradually, I was down to 90-10. In all of this, I came to discover that I didn’t want another partner to bully and I didn’t necessarily want someone to bully and humiliate me. All I wanted, was to be someone’s “good girl”.
For me, being submissive wasn’t and never has been about giving up complete control. I still have some freedoms and choice and I much prefer it that way. For me, submission wasn’t about giving up control but a desire to please. It wasn’t about asking my partner what I should wear, instead, it was about using my initiative to put together an outfit that pleases them.
Once I looked within myself, “pleasing them” was at the core of who I am and all that I do. I wanted a partner who would be proud of me, but also had the confidence in my abilities to look after myself. I wanted a partner who would watch me take on the world, and have the confidence that I would call upon them if I needed their help in the process. Being submissive wasn’t about giving up control, for me, it was all about accepting the influence, guidance and leadership of another.
As a Type-A woman, one of the things that I struggle with is giving up control. Oh, I can be argumentative and stubborn (just ask Wolfie or Bill!) but I have always been willing to listen. For me, one of the key points in becoming submissive wasn’t about allowing my partner to decide for me or to accept “my way is the right way and that is that”. Instead, It was about being able to decide for myself, and having a partner who was willing to challenge my ideas sometimes. One of my former submissive partners would always allow me to have anything that I wanted and hold any opinion that I wanted, and I found that exceptionally tiresome and dull. Once I started meeting more Dominant men, I was attracted to their ability to hold a healthy debate or discussion and there ability to take control. There would be days that I’d exhaust myself and days that I’d see myself as a failure. Having a partner with the confidence and ability to lead me when I would be hugely beneficial. I could support them, but sometimes I’d need them to support me, too.
What does submission feel like? How else can I define it but “right”? It’s like finding “the one” when you get married. You don’t know why, you just know that you know. It’s intuitive and instinctive, you just know that your place in life was at the service of another. Maybe it’s not Omega status, but you know you’re not meant to be Alpha, either. I knew that I was meant to be a Beta female. I knew that the only time and place I was to kneel was when my Dominant told me to. I didn’t know who he would be or what he would look like, but I knew that he existed, and I knew that I found him in Wolfie.
When I met Wolfie, I didn’t know, but yet I knew. It was instinctive that I could trust him, he was just the gentle, open and kind sort of person that you would trust. I didn’t want to confront him, I was willing to listen to his advice. He had that presence about him and I felt protected and safe with him around, so I wanted to be around him more. I wanted to be close to him, laugh with him and right the world with him until the sun came up. I felt at home in his company and wanted him to be my first sexual partner, I didn’t know what we would become.
Once you find your “human”, as I call him, you just know. As I said, it’s instinctive and it feels right. You want to do differently and you want to behave differently, you want to stop fighting and you’re ready to listen more. Dominants call up the things that more meek people often don’t mention. He called out that I’m guarded and that I don’t let people in, that was how I ended up having to share my journaling. If I dig my heels in, Wolfie digs them in harder. He knows that sooner or later, I’m most likely to back down. He calls out my unwillingness to lose control and he makes me work on it. He makes me work with not knowing, not controlling, not being able to save or resolve. He makes me accept a loss of control and the freedom that comes with not controlling. No matter how much I growl, whimper and snarl, he just sits and waits for me to make peace with it, then he praises me.
How does it feel to be submissive? In a session, I feel calm, quiet, safe.. and again, “right”. It’s freeing and mindful. I’m not focused one what I have done or still need to do, I’m present and in the moment. I’m focused on the sights, the sounds, the smells, the way the floorboards move as he moves closer to me and the soft, cool breeze that follows as he moves around the room. Submission is a mindful experience, and while you’re in it, it’s really hard to be focusing on much else.
In my day to day life, I feel safe, loved and protected and I have the freedom to speak up when I don’t. I had some stuff going on with our neighbour (which I may write about another time!) and I just felt that Wolfie wasn’t intervening and protecting me in the way that I would have liked and hoped. I felt left open and vulnerable to attack, and by being able to communicate that freely, Wolfie was able to understand the error of his ways and he is now more careful to make sure that I feel safe. I don’t feel marginalised or controlled, I’m loved, supported and even encouraged to do whatever I please, whenever I please – as long as I follow the rules!
Since becoming submissive, I feel as though I have a partner who is proud of me and I strive to make him proud. He has confidence in many of my abilities and I strive to display them more often. We firmly believe that a healthy BDSM relationship isn’t about controlling what you partner can do, it’s about encouraging them to make right decisions and supporting them in doing the things they already do well. The rules of a BDSM relationship should never be about controlling for the sake of being Dominant, they should be enriching, beneficial and purposeful, always.
Just on a last note on this point, here is a wall art that I made several years ago that takes pride of place in our bedroom. The text itself is an excerpt from Fifty Shades Freed.
For those who don’t know, when I first met Wolfie, he was in a very difficult situation at home. Impoverished and malnutritioned, he was used to going to bed with no light, no heating and only a banana sandwich for supper. Once I got involved, I found life and limb to help him and his father turn their situation around. I used what money I could muster to make sure he had heating and electricity and plenty of food in his cupboards. Once my family understood what was going on, they too got involved. In return for my support, he gave me acceptance and love, he gave me confidence and he found my feminine side. He gave me freedom, he gave me a sense of humour and he gave me the ability to slow down.
With time, Wolfie and I became an unbreakable, unshakeable team with the guts and determination to conquer the world. For us, our marriage wasn’t merely a symbol of our love for one another. For us, our marriage was symbolic of our strength.