Overcoming The Green-Eyed Monster (Jealousy in BDSM)

Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.

Good morning lovelies,

Firstly, let me apologise if you were affected by last night’s brief disappearance. Browsing through my drafts, I noted a couple of Raunchy Rambles which I knew so many of my readers had liked from days gone by so I wanted to get them back up for you all without spamming you (at least, I hoped) with a dreaded multi-post spamming. I’m not sure that putting my blog in ‘Coming Soon’ for an hour or so while I edited them and added them really did anything to avoid it, but I hope so, maybe? Do let me know for future reference 😉

Today, I wanted to talk about one of those horrible monsters in life: Jealousy. Particularly, I’m looking at jealousy in BDSM. Jealousy can manifest itself in BDSM in a number of ways, including:-

  • A Dominant who has a submissive, while another Dominant does not
  • A submissive who has a Dominant, while another does not
  • A kinky individual who seems to have a more experienced/kinkier play partner than another
  • A submissive who seems to play more often, harder, or have stricter rules
  • Collar envy – A submissive who has a collar, while another does not
  • For some kinky bloggers, one having more likes/comments/followers than another

And so on.

For me lately, the green-eyed monster has been rearing its ugly head with point three and four on my list. How dare my friend have more fun than I am? How dare they be getting their kink on more often than I do? I know, right? Me, your fellow pervert, jealous.

But it happens.

And when it does, it can get pretty ugly for everyone.

One of the first steps on my list was to accept my envy. Envy, if you follow the Bible, is one of the deadly sins. Although by no means a woman of the Bible myself, I do at least know enough to know that jealousy is bad. It doesn’t mean that I’m okay with it, I just know that it’s there. Acceptance also doesn’t mean immediately quashing it or denying that it exists, it just means acknowledging that it’s with you right now in this moment, it just means to become aware of its presence in the room.

After that comes the process of making peace with it, and for that, I like to approach it in one of two different styles. Option one, and perhaps the best for anyone who is single and jealous of friends who have partners, is to journal about it. Sometimes communicating jealousy to the wrong person can get you mocked or laughed at, and so if you don’t feel as though talking about it will be beneficial to you. write about it instead. Write it all out, what you’re jealous of, why, write until all of the anger and jealousy is out of you.

Option two, and only if you feel you can, talk about it. If you have a reliable partner, share your feelings with them. I’m very fortunate in that I can talk to Wolfie and nothing ever is too much. Regardless of who or what I’m jealous of, I know that I can talk to him. Maybe you have a kink-friendly friend instead? Find and talk to anyone in the community that you can trust.

Next, embrace suggestion. If you have a Dominant, they may ask you to take some quiet time in reflection or to write an action plan to accomplish that which you’re jealous of. They may advise you to meditate so that you can make peace with these feelings or do something else entirely to distract yourself from them. Be ready and willing to take instruction on. If you ask for help and you’re given it some great advice, don’t be too quick to squander it away

Finally, express gratitude for your own circumstances. Maybe you don’t have a partner, but that’s okay, you have plenty of time and freedom to find the right one. Maybe your friend does play more often than you do, but perhaps they’re jealous of something that you have that they don’t have, too? For me, I had to realise that in place of strict rules and protocols, I have freedom and fun, I have the ability to be myself and to speak my mind (at least, to a point!) without worrying about breaking a rule. I could relax around Wolfie and I didn’t feel afraid to talk openly with him. We also have our “Magnolia Room Of Sensation” that would surely make Christian Grey raise an eyebrow. Plenty of people wish they had that!

Jealousy can sometimes make you feel a bit depressed once you realise how lucky you are, that’s okay. Have a good cry and let it all out, but next time the green-eyed monster growls, send him right back to his cave. It’s okay to want things or to want to try something new, that’s what open, honest communication is there for.

And if you’re a kink blogger, know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Everyone starts off with one or two followers, and those who get good can eventually make it into the hundreds or thousands. Don’t give up, just keep doing what you do and believe me, you will get there.

Alright my lovelies, I hope this post has been insightful for you and perhaps in some way helpful in the least. Have you ever experienced jealousy in the BDSM community? How did you overcome it? Let me know in the comments!

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun.

Helen xx

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