Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.
Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
Hmm.. you know the answer to this question is a bit like asking me if I like spicy food. I don’t like spicy food, but then I also find food without a pinch of chilli or a crack of black pepper to be incredibly bland.
Okay, so, remember in my last ‘30 Days Of Submission’ post, I talked about starting off as a Domme? I’ve long felt that was in me. I like caring for people, I like nurturing people, protecting people and guiding them to their potential, but does that make me a Dominant? I don’t think so, that just makes me a caring person.
I think when it comes to switching, it’s a lot like being submissive because there are different answers to everything, and if I were to complete two BDSM checklists as a submissive and as a Dominant, my answers to both would be at least somewhat different. Just like how there’s no cookie-cutter submissive, so there isn’t a cookie-cutter switch, either.
Do I enjoy flogging? As a Dominant and as a submissive, yes. Do I enjoy teasing someone and overwhelming their senses? Abso-fucking-lutely. Do I enjoy ordering someone around or pegging them for disobeying me? Not at all.
Basically, if anything, I have a bit of an inner sadist in me.
I think in this day and age, the idea and perception of what a Dominant woman (or a Dominatrix) is has become quite toxic in a way because it fits everyone into one mould. Not every Dominant woman is clad in latex or PVC (thankyou, Mrs Smith), I used to dominate an ex-submissive in jeans, a t-shirt and kitten heel boots, but it was the sound of my boots as I paced up and down the room that really used to make the poor guy whimper. I don’t need to peg anyone to Top them, and I don’t need to keep them on a leash or make them to lick my boots or the rim of my toilet seat, either. I have no interest in doing any of that and I get really quite angry at these Dominatrixes who appear on TV and do that because sometimes, it’s all just for show. One of the things I loved most about having a submissive of my own was the fact that I had somebody to take care of, who was eager to please me. When he crossed me, I loved freezing his chastity keys in a block of ice and putting it in the fridge upside down so that it melted slower (he could only have release once the keys were resting on the plate) or setting written assignments for him on Write For Me and setting it so that a mistake got him an extra line, and every minute over the allotted time got him two more. I remember the time he rushed 25 lines and wound up writing 142 instead. Ah yes, favourable memories!
So do I like switching? Sometimes, absolutely, but with a few caveats.
Firstly, I need to get along with the person that I’m Topping, we have to click in and outside of BDSM. I don’t mind a sense of humour, but I don’t tolerate rudeness, insults (unless I’m unleashing my sadistic side, in which case I’ll just laugh) or laziness. I have things to do and people who respect my time, I’m not going to give chase and punish anyone for not turning up or turning up inappropriately dressed or whatever, it’s childish and immature and we’re all adults here. My ex but one before my husband intentionally ruined a game of 8-ball pool so that I would punish him. He didn’t even try to take a bad shot, he just hit the coloured balls with the cue and nearly hooked out the lights a couple of times because he was so intent on ruining the game, causing me to round it up quickly and, of course, him asking if I was mad or if I was going to punish him. I didn’t feel like punishing him and I didn’t feel like he deserved to be punished, either. It’s topping from the bottom at it’s finest and I won’t stand for that – I know! A brat saying that you can kind of find more on that here 😉
Secondly, I guess I have just a smudge of a Mommy Domme side to me. I’m not into MD/lb (though I have been in a MD/lg relationship before) so I like caring for my partners. I like to humiliate, but I like to nurture also, I might like to make my partners beg, but I’m not going to make them do something that I regard as unsafe or unsanitary, no matter how much they may want me to. I clean my carpets regularly, but the dog has vomited on them a few times and you can never be too sure that my boots haven’t trodden in something you don’t want on your tongue – it’s better safe than sorry!
Finally, I’m not always Domme, and this was what killed my MD/lg relationship. I’m not just a kinky person, I’m a blogger, a housewife, a dog & fish mum, a wife and a family woman, I’m also just a human being with other hobbies and interests, too. Unfortunately, experience has taught me that some people forget that Dominant partners are people too, and people don’t always want to do kinky things. Those of us who call ourselves 24/7 do enjoy other, non-kinky things, perish the thought! I like a partner who can use their own initiative. Setting a daily task? Fine. Telling you how to run your day because you’ll play video games all day in your pyjamas if I don’t? Come on now, that’s not for me. If you’re that depressed, see your doctor and press them to get you some CBT therapy, I promise it helps. There you go, there’s your first task already…
Now, you’ll note that I talk about submissive partners, but also being submissive to my husband. I am “polyish”, which means to say that I’m not actively looking for a poly partner, but I am open-minded if the right one comes along. That applies to Dominants and submissives alike and is sort of in part why I am so close to Bill. We have a special bond based on openness, trust, respect and communication, not unlike any good friendship or relationship. I’m not actively looking for a second husband or a lover of sorts, but I do believe that as humans are a social species, we can, do and are capable of developing feelings of affection for more than one person and that doing so shouldn’t be punished. I keep my mind and my heart open and allow myself to experience connections with other people as and when they happen, but without any immediate physical intimacy being involved. If it ever progresses to that, then great, if not, then there is no harm done. I’m not Dominant to Wolfie or Bill (the consequences of even trying such a move are unthinkable!) but if I ever find a submissive partner of my own to play with, then that’s cool too.
So am I switch? Do I switch? Then yes, absolutely, but really, a lot of it depends.