It’s Okay To Say No (Even In BDSM)

A wioman holds up her hand, writing on her hand reads "no is no", suggests a lack of consent in relationships

Consent is key, no matter how kinky it gets.

Starting off with such an obvious title seems a little silly, forgive me, it’s just that it’s something I’ve seen so many people forget over the years. Whether it be the young submissive who doesn’t like spankings or the young Domme who doesn’t want to cuckold her partner, unfortunately, I have seen it all.

When I started my journey in BDSM, I started off much just like these people. Oh sure, I’d been told all about consent, but I was told that consent only applied to having things done to me, and when it came to doing things for others, my consent just wasn’t applicable. I can remember being made to feel like a bad submissive for refusing to participate in certain activities and as though I was unworthy of a prospective Dominant’s time or attention. As a Domme, I was made to feel like a fake. If I wouldn’t do these things, they’d have me believe that I wasn’t as good as them. I was a fraud, a play-pretender, that’s how cruel the BDSM community used to be.

Whether you’re doing for or to, it’s important to know and understand that your consent (and maybe even your enthusiastic participation!) play a key role. Don’t let anyone else decide for you. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s your interests in this lifestyle that define who you are.

Today, I am going to share with you 12 kinks that I refuse to participate in, and why. I know that for some people, some of these may be big things that make up a key component of their personal kinky preferences, and that’s fine. It’s important to remember that we are all individuals, and as such, we will each have preferences as to what we enjoy and just how far we are willing to go in pursuit of our erotic liberation.

So what are we waiting for? Let’s get stuck in!

1. Watersports, Scat & Messy Play

Okay, so this is quite a collective of kinks, but they’re so often loosely banded together that on this occasion, I thought I’d follow suit. With the exception of semen, all of these are off. I have a big thing about food in the bedroom (chocolate sauce and white sheets? Risk of a yeast infection? No thanks!) and this sort of follows suit. It’s fine if it’s for you, it’s just that it’s not for me.

2. BDSM Gear In Public

I’m fine with discreet day collar as a symbol of your commitment, but I am firmly of the opinion that we, as a responsible community, should not be exposing minors to our lifestyle. What I do stays within the confines of my bedroom. and the toys, accessories and anything else that goes with it stays within, too. That is unless, of course, they’re unceremoniously stuffed into a holdall and whisked away to join us at a kink-friendly outing!

3. Anal Sex

There is a common idea thanks to porn that if a submissive woman has oral and vaginal sex, she must systematically be willing to have (or try to have) anal sex, too. Look, no holds barred here folks, I tried anal play and I didn’t dig, it, okay? Yes, there’s the taboo factor, but besides that, there was really nothing else much going on for me. Having or not having anal sex does not make or break a submissive. Submission is in the heart, and the giving of the body is merely a way to express it. If that’s “anything but the butt”, that should be fine. The toxic trend that says otherwise needs to end.

4. Pegging

In a similar vein, I never took a shine to pegging. Apologies for my very basic thinking here, but the way I always saw it, a man has a sticky-in thing, and a woman does not. If I was meant to stick things in places, then surely the Big Man upstairs would have made me with the appropriate equipment already attached? I know that for some people it’s a really big thing, and that’s fine. For me personally (and perhaps more importantly, Mr Wolfie) it’s not a thing. I’ve had submissive partners ask me to peg them, and I had to gently decline them. It’s not for me, and that’s okay.

5. Drugs, Tobacco & Large Quantities Of Alcohol

Look, if you want to smoke, that’s fine. If you choose to use recreational drugs, that’s all up to you. For me personally, none of these sound like a good time. Having lost two loved ones and an ex boyfriend to cancer, I don’t fancy it for myself. Safe, Sane & Consensual are also key, none of which I really believe you can be whilst under the influence of drink or drugs. Thanks, but I’ll pass.

6. Orgasm Denial

I get it, I know it, orgasm denial is a great way to train a bad submissive, but how many Dominants use orgasm denial because they want to, versus how many use it because that’s what they were taught to do? Just let that sink in for a moment. There are hundreds of people in our community who are “textbook Dominants” and sorry my lovelies, but to that I say balderdash. Pick the rewards and punishments that you enjoy and you want to use. Personally forced orgasms are far more fun.. as a Dominant 😉

7. Swallowing Semen

Ahh yes, it’s another cliché one, the old assumption that if you’re in any way kinky, you must absolutely adore guzzling his baby gravy. Sorry, but that’s just not how it works. I’m an avid cock worshipper (just ask Mr Wolfie) but when it comes to swallowing the good stuff, it’s just not gonna happen. To me personally, it stems from porn. What I will say, however, is how many awesome guys I have spoken to who have said that it’s just not a big deal for them and that mutual enjoyment is far more important. You guys are the real MVP, rock on!

8. Cock & Ball Torture (CBT)

You know when you try a kink a handful of times and you just decide it’s not one for you? CBT was like that for me. For me, penises should be worshipped, appreciated and loved, and digging my nails into them, slapping them or trampling them lied in sharp contrast to that. Each time I was presented with a fleshly little trouser snake to abuse, I just wanted to stroke it and play with with it until it exploded in my hands. That might be fun for me and very pleasurable for them, but ultimately, it’s not what my partner’s were after.

9. Breath Play

I’m an anxiety and PTSD sufferer, and as someone who has been in a house fire, the slightest odd smell or feeling of not being able to breathe will send me into a panicked frenzy. Choking sits as a bit of a soft limit for me, but breath play is just too far past it. There have also been far too many reports of breath play going wrong, and I don’t want mine to be the next face on the side of a milk carton, thanks.

10. 24/7 TPE

For some newer folk in the community, the decision to become Dominant and submissive is once and absolute until death do you part or the otherwise untimely end of the relationship, but that’s not quite right. When you and your partner enter a BDSM relationship, you negotiate how much control is to be surrendered, and when. If you then decide to dive in at the deep end, that’s entirely up to you. For me personally, I didn’t feel that I could give my husband say over all of my decisions, or to have all of the say over anyone else’s. There are times that my focus is on being a family woman, and in those moments, I don’t appreciate receiving texts asking me for instructions. Sometimes I also have to be an ordinary, vanilla woman, as boring as that may seem.

11. Body Modifications

Another group category, body modifications as a commitment to my servitude are so not for me. Not unlike getting your boyfriend’s name tattooed, these can so easily become a similar unwelcome reminder of an unfortunate heartache. It’s great to want to symbolise your commitment, but with so many pieces of elaborate locking jewellery out there, maybe opt for something that can be unscrewed or cut off if things sour instead. In the beginning of my ventures into BDSM, I chatted with a Dom who wanted me to get my clitoral hood pierced as part of my commitment to him. I said no and he called me a time waster, but in the long and short, I’m still glad that I stuck to my guns.

12. Random Hook-ups

Swinging and polyamory are all fine and dandy, but I’m not someone who is going to get drunk in a bar and go back to a cheap hotel for a wild BDSM threesome, sorry, but not my style. If I’m going to play with anyone, it’s going to involve meeting, conversation and planning. There are going to be a lot of boring getting-to-know-you’s and possibly some disappointing, fruitless outcomes after all. For a scene to be a success, I believe that you need to know how one another works. In order to do that, you need to spend some time together- without all kinds of kinky props!

Remember lovelies, whatever you decide is not for you is a-okay. Maybe your list does look different to mine? The most important thing is you stay safe and have fun.

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun.

Helen xx

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