Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.
Not so long ago, I promised that I would write about the rituals that make up the beginning of each of our BDSM scenes, and today, as I prepare and plan for a session tonight, I wanted to write about them and share them with you. These are super special to me and a very sacred part of my submission, so I hope that you will enjoy this post.
In our dynamic, we have three rituals that make up the beginning of each scene. In the first, I light the four candles in our bedroom tealight holder. I assign each tealight a direction – North, South, East and West and whisper their names as I light them. It is a reminder to me that I will follow his lead, however and wherever he directs me.
Secondly, I pour my Sir some whiskey and add some chilled whiskey stones or ice. It is a reminder to me that I will always serve him, no matter what.
Finally, I wait for him in the Gorean ‘Nadu’ position, facing the bed and with my back to the door. It is a reminder to trust him and to wait patiently for him. By which time I am typically very much in the submissive mindset!
The Purpose Of Rituals
As we travel through life, sometimes it can be very hard to make the transition from work to play. Maybe we come home with plans in mind for a wonderful and kinky session with our partner, but life just gets in the way. Whether it’s work stress or screaming children that pull us out of the mindset, sometimes it’s not always as easy to transition into that special place as they make it seem in the movies. It’s very rare that it is, in fact!
The purpose of a ritual is to allow us to take ourselves from the present moment and into the mindset for play. Whether it’s a simple movement or an elaborate performance, the ritual allows you to bring your focus onto your BDSM dynamic. By having a ritual that allows us to serve our partner or claim our authority over them, it can help us to establish a new connection together for that moment in time.
Some Common Ideas
Your rituals are completely personal and should suit your relationship and dynamic entirely, but some common examples include:
- Placing a collar on the submissive
- Worshipping a Dominant’s boots
- Serving the Dominant a drink
- Having the submissive dance for the Dominant’s entertainment
- Having the submissive put out the Dominant’s chosen toys
- A simple spoken verbal ritual, such as “are you ready to play, sub?”, to which the submissive responds “yes Sir/yes Mistress” if they are ready to engage in BDSM play.
How To Choose A Ritual
The first part of deciding a ritual is to pick something (or somethings) that work for you, that feel personal to you, and that you will like to do. There is no point, for example, asking your submissive to dance for you if it is something that they will find uncomfortable to do. Talk together and make a list of ideas of rituals you might consider. Research BDSM rituals in detail, and make a list of ones that appeal to you.
Second, discuss what these rituals will mean to both of you. What will you each get out of them and how do you both feel about them? Perhaps the Dominant partner really likes the idea of their submissive wearing a collar, but how does the submissive feel? Maybe the submissive is really into boot worship, but how does the Dominant feel? Discuss this, and cross off anything that doesn’t really speak to you – your rituals need to be meaningful to you!
Third, personalise your rituals. Just because you’ve read a verbal ritual online somewhere, doesn’t mean that you need to copy it word for word. Maybe a verbal ritual really appeals to you both, but the wording seems wrong. Adjust it, and find something that you can use that works for you.
Finally, practice it. Now that you have your rituals created, it’s time to use them. Note that rituals will feel ‘funny’ or ‘strange’ the first time you use them (and maybe a few other times, too!) This is completely normal and means nothing about you. Sometimes it can be hard to transition from one mindset to the other, just go with it and let what will happen, happen. You may even surprise yourself!
I want to conclude today by talking to you about what we’ve come to dub as “pre-ritual rituals”, that is, rituals that happen even before the scene rituals take place. Maybe you’ve had a really bad day in the office or maybe you’ve done tonnes of housework and the smell of bleach is a turn-off. Sometimes, before a scene we need a “pre-ritual ritual”, and that’s totally cool, too.
Some ideas might include:
- Taking a shower
- Having a nap
- Going for a walk/run
- Having a snack (if you don’t eat dinner beforehand like we do)
- Stopping for coffee on the way home from work
- Yoga or meditation
Like with pre-scene rituals, it’s important to pick “pre-ritual rituals” that work for you. Take some time to think about the things that impact you before a session, and create rituals of activities that can help you transition into the mood for play more easily. For Wolfie, that meant stopping off for a coffee. For me, it meant lessening my Friday workload and getting some afternoon sleep!
I hope this post has inspired you and maybe you will think about incorporating some rituals into your scenes in the future. Do you have any rituals already? Why not share them in the comments? I’ll look forward to reading them!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,