30 Days Of Submission: Day 10 – BDSM & Kink In The Submissive Relationship

Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

There are two parts to this answer. On the one hand, I believe that I would be submissive to a male counterpart irregardless of BDSM. And yet within my relationship, it sort of makes it all the more exciting.

Growing up, I always knew that I wanted and needed a head of the household. I could make decisions and do things that would be right for my family, but I also wanted a man who would help make (or make completely) the final decisions. I dated a few “yes men”, I dated a few of the guys that would have given me anything I wanted. I got bored of them quickly, there was no pushback for me.

At school, I was always the leader in group projects. People would tell me what the challenge was, then expect me to solve it while they messed about. I was always the go-to girl and the leader because people knew that I would take control. In my mind though, I wanted someone who could take control of, and take care of, me.

I can distinctively remember my relationship with G. We’d be loitering about all day and we’d been sent out of the house to stop him annoying my mother. To be fair to her, the guy was like a limpet; wherever I went, he followed – even when I went to the bathroom. There was no attraction there, not from me towards him, anyway. He liked me, but, it seemed, only because I was assertive. He’d called me ‘Mistress’ at any chance he got, and it quickly wore thin.

On this one particular afternoon, I can remember us trying to decide what we were going to do with the rest of the day. I’d proposed a handful of ideas, and he hadn’t taken up on any of them. When I asked for his contribution, he came up blank.

“I don’t mind, whatever Mistress fancies.” Dear God, I wanted to pierce my eardrums with a toothpick.

What killed our relationship wasn’t BDSM, it wasn’t too much or a lack of BDSM, it was his lack of input. I needed a man who could make a contribution, who had an opinion, who enjoyed discussion.

Enter Mr Wolfie.

The contrast was like night and day. I’d ask Mr Wolfie what he wanted to do, and he’d reel off half a dozen ideas to me. I’d throw down an opinion, and he’d tell me, respectfully, why he disagrees with me, along with his reasons for doing so. He was engaging, interactive, and I found that so sexy.

One of my greatest fears in entering a BDSM relationship was that my partner would want me to change who I am. I was afraid that he would try to rob me of my sense of humour or my sense of autonomy and punish me for every seeming misdemeanour. I was afraid I would have to ask for permission to do even the most banal task, and that terrified me. I’d met Dominants before who wanted me to give up all control, immediately and completely. I met men who made me wear clothespegs every time I was cheeky and one who wanted me to put toothpaste on my genitals for logging on 5 minutes late. That was far too much for me.

One of the best and greatest things that Mr Wolfie did for me was to simply allow me to be me. He knows that life doesn’t run on a schedule and he knows that submission is an ebbing and flowing thing. He allows me to be playful and cheeky, but I also know where he draws the line. When I push it too far, he knows a simple “Mmhmm” will wind me back in. He knows that for me, nothing annoys me more than not being taken seriously. He never punishes me physically, all of our physical involvements are part of a sensual, consensual BDSM scene.

Like this, I am free to be my own person. I don’t have rules, I am free to be me within boundaries. I can wear what I want, do what I want and say what I want to say. I know where the boundaries are, and I know what happens if I cross them. By giving me room to breathe, I stopped being afraid.

Are they exclusive of one another? Yes, but also no. I believe that I’ve always sought for a relationship with an alpha male, irregardless of BDSM. However, for the addition of some bondage and spankings whenever the mood strikes us, I’m a heck of a lot happier within..

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