A look at how we make BDSM work without our very own kinky sex dungeon.
I’m back with chapter eight of this exciting collaboration with Penny Berry. Today, I am going to be sharing with you some of the ways (okay, most of the ways 😉 ) that D/s creeps into our love life, along with my top five favourite toys!
Playing (Not So) Nice
One of the first indications of compatibility for Matt and I was that we both enjoyed a power struggle. I’d bite him and he’d bite me back. I’d pin him, and he’d pin me back. For us, it’s all about power and the wrestle for control.
At first, it would seem more likely that I’m a switch. The difference between a switch and myself is that I don’t want to lose just sometimes, I want to lose all the time, I just didn’t want to make it easy for Wolfie until I do. I am an alpha submissive.
I don’t want to walk away with the control. I’ve always wanted and needed a Dominant who will snatch it back. It drives me forward, it keeps me engaged. As much as he is challenged in handling me, I’m challenged in finding ways that I can make him lose control once more. It’s the perfect yin and yang, the ultimate power struggle.
A Few Tips On Playing Rough
Okay, so it all sounds fun and throwing one another around sounds sexy (because it is). Before you start slamming each other against the wall though, here are a few things to consider:
- You Don’t Actually Want To Hurt Each Other – You still love this person, right? Just remember that. If you’re angry, definitely watch how rough it gets. Some rough, kinky sex might be fun and exciting, but nobody wants to be done for murder. Mr & Mrs Smith-style sex might look like fun, but remember that they are actors who trained and used padding and props, and you’re using impromptu moves and solid walls. Please be careful.
- Don’t Do Anything Your Partner Doesn’t Agree To – Consent, people! You might want to delve in and play rough, but your partners off-limits are off-limits in all things. Neither Matt nor I like our nipples bitten or pinched, so we don’t do that to each other. Punching or slaps in the groin might also not be okay, so always remember to discuss it and agree first.
- Use Common Sense – If your partner is likely to fall into a glass table, don’t do it. If they’re likely to bounce off of the bed and split their head of the corner of the radiator, again, please avoid that too. If you’re inexperienced with things like choking, please don’t do it, and if you’re drunk or high, for the love of God, please hold off until you are sober.
- Remember Your Safeword! – Just because you may not have started this scene in the normal way doesn’t mean that it’s not a scene of sorts. If you’re engaging in any kind of BDSM activity, then you need to use your safeword. If it all gets a bit too much, always, always remember to use Red, or Banana, or any other word you choose!
What Red Room?
Thanks to portrayals by films like Fifty Shades Of Grey, it’s generally perceived that a lot of kinky people have a dungeon in their home, or at least a red and black bedroom that they play in, but nothing could be further from the truth.
In our bedroom, our walls are magnolia and we have simple colour-change LED lighting which can be used to change the colour of the room to almost any colour we choose. Although red would seem fairly obvious, we actually find that pinky-purple hues bring out our more sensuous moods.
In our bedside table, we have the cuffs and the blindfold. Although they seldom get used (thanking you, busy schedules!), they are at least to hand, should the mood strike us 😉
Introducing Kinky Fuckery Fridays
Like anyone in the BDSM community, I can’t really attribute the Fifty Shades movies for adding too much to my life (other than publicity to allow me to finally be me, maybe). However, one of the things that we did take away from it was the phrase “kinky fuckery”.
“‘Kinky fuckery?’” I squeak … My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me. “ ‘I like your kinky fuckery,’” I whisper.”Fifty Shades Darker, Source: The Daily Beast
One of the biggest issues we’ve had is knowing when to play. It’s not only us, for many kinky couples, sometimes a full and kinky scene can seem decades away. Even with lots and lots of planning, sometimes something happens and the proposed session gets pushed back for another few days or weeks.
Because of family visits and work schedules, one of the things that I suggested to Wolfie was scheduled “Kinky Fuckery Fridays”, or “KF Fridays”, as they are more affectionately known. Quite often they don’t happen as of late, but at least the idea is there!
As Wolfie and I progress with adopting a minimalist lifestyle, I hope that I will be more on top of the home and more organised in day to day living. By being more on top of the housework I can be less stressed and cluttered, and hey presto, hopefully, we’ll also have more time for some more spontaneous kinky fuckery 😉
My Top 5 Toys For Kinky Fuckery Fridays!
Perhaps one of the biggest surprises you’ll find on this list is the absence of insertables. For me, BDSM isn’t much of a sexual experience, so much as a physical, psychological and sensual one. Sex and BDSM can and do go together, but one doesn’t always guarantee the other. With that in mind, here are the 5 toys that I love:
1. The Steel Claws
I love, love LOVE these guys! They feel absolutely incredible and they are so affordable. If you’ve got a nicely warmed up bottom, they’re even more fun. Not that I would know, of course! They look sharp, but they’re not, I promise. That’s not to say that they don’t make for a great mind-fuck too, though 😉
2. The Riding Crop
Mmmhmm! There’s just something so symbolic and sexy about a riding crop and to me, any Dom worth his salt needs to have one. They taste good, they smell good and they feel good. Just… yes!
3. The Blindfold
I love sensory deprivation and if I can’t see then my mind will start working overdrive. Curious to learn more? Visit my sensory deprivation post here.
4. The Cuffs
I love bondage, but I think some good ol’ sensory deprivation just slightly wins the edge for me. The cuffs we use have a faux fur lining and a velcro closure, making them quick and simple to use and comfortable to wear.
5. The Floggers
Floggers are fun, but they were last on my list because I have to be in the right frame of mind for them. I particularly enjoy floggers if I’m tense and stressed as the rhythmic strokes can help me relax, and the endorphins can work wonders to soothe any muscle tension. Try not to overthink their potential to inflict pain, floggers can also be used softly and very sensually, both are fun.
I hope this little taster has given you some insight as to life inside a D/s husband & wife dynamic and I hope that perhaps somewhere or somehow it has given you some thoughts on how you can introduce BDSM to your relationship. Next time, Penny and I will be questioning our husbands on their thoughts as our Dominants – stay tuned for more!
What’s your favourite toy to use in a scene? Let me know in the comments!
Until next time,
Stay safe & have fun.