Ramble: On Kink & Insecurities

Sometimes, it’s just good to talk.

Sometimes, I also believe it’s important for us bloggers to share the shit that’s really going on at home. Enough keeping up a front, the WordPress community is a wonderful, supportive community.

But as I wrote up yesterday’s snack tasting post. I could feel the anxiety creeping in;

What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not submissive enough? What if I don’t enjoy it? What if I look ugly and stupid in lingerie?

Looking back, these, I realise, are classic ‘what if?’ thoughts, they are the epitome of anxiety, it’s just that when you’re dealing with something as taboo as kinky, it’s not always to think back to the good old days of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. No, it feels far more raw and far more serious – just like all of those ruminations that you were initially in therapy for.

I have no shame in saying I’ve been in and out of therapy. Heck, from a young age I was being counselled for my anxiety and insecurities. I’m diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and dermatillomania. For as often as I can be confident, I can also be a great big bag of nerves. It kind of comes with being a HSP.

But none of this really matters in the moment. My adrenaline spiked, and I had only two options – stay or flee.

And I chose flee.

A lot of it, I think, comes from having time to think about my own insecurities. It comes from planning, and the pressures of pre-planned sex. The more planned it is, the more time you have to drum up on these insecuties in the hours beforehand. Who has ever felt insecure about the way they look or smell in the heat of the moment? Not me.

I know that I’ve written before about kink before a BDSM scene, only a month ago, in fact, and yet five weeks on, I want you to know that I haven’t really changed.

Hating on myself is against the rules, I know it is, it’s just a lot easier said than done to try and do anything else. He could tell me that I’m the prettiest thing he’s ever seen, and I’ll still look at myself in the mirror and find something that I don’t like about me, something that makes me an unworthy and unredeemable submissive, that’s just how BDD works. Like any other anxiety disorder, BDD is a beast.

But maybe it goes even deeper than that. Maybe it goes deeper in that there’s some other shit going on at home, too. You see, “kinky” kind of runs in my family, my mother and my father were also Dominant and submissive. It sounds weird, and yet growing up, I couldn’t have asked for two nicer, more genuine, more awesome people to mentor me. When they left the community after Dad’s health deteriorated, I was determined to act as their legacy. It’s the backbone of what I do today- I want to be here to keep the next generation of kinky people safe, just as they protected me.

But then suddenly, a year after Dad’s death, my mother made a comeback.

Make no mistake, I’m really happy for her, it’s just that in her doing so, it’s drawn up a heck of a lot of insecurities in me. Her Dom is quite strict and she likes that, and strict is the very last thing that Matt chooses to be. Her Dom wants to wear a vial of her blood around his neck, and Matt and I aren’t even sure if we even want a collaring ceremony, much less a Ceremony of the Roses. In all of this and given my now fourteen years of experience, I can feel the Imposter Syndrome settling in.

I spoke last week about getting “(kind of) collared”, and yet barely four days on, all of that is now up in the air.

“Do we even want a collaring ceremony? It all seems so.. formal. We don’t really do formal, it’s not our forte” I said to Matt with a weak smile. He sighed.

We tried to come up with something, really we did, but after a unity candle and then a sand ceremony, neither really felt like us. I mean.. what would we do? What would we say? Getting married was challenging enough! Already, our once-planned vow renewal and party is looking to be more of a private ring exchange and a masquerade party, but I digress.

Matt and I don’t have a vast majority of the structures that it seems a lot of BDSM enthusiasts have. I don’t have a collar, there is no contract, there are few rules and, it seems, there won’t be a collaring ceremony, either. There is a safe word, lots of communications and drawers full of toys. As a rule, we are very spontaneous people, which is perhaps why Fridays are so unsettling for me. I make plans to achieve things, and sex isn’t something to be achieved.

“You pinched my idea, so I’m pinching yours” my mother said over a video call.

“How do you mean?”

“You’re having a collaring ceremony, so I’m stealing your morse code idea and having a morse code anklet”.

I wanted to contest that. I was a having a collaring ceremony of sorts, maybe. It was more of an idea that came to me while toying with the bracelet that Matt already wears (that I made) and talking about her plans than it had to do with any copycat behaviour. We were discussing the fact that we hadn’t had one, and wondering if we should have one. Note that here, not wanted, should have.

I wasn’t trying to copy and didn’t want to copy anyone. I’ve always been more of a symbolic jewellery kind of girl, anyway. I like pretty things, fine things, sparkly things. Collars are okay, but a fine chain looks oh so feminine in my eyes, and I pride myself on being a more feminine submissive. I think Matt would also agree that we’re more fun to destroy and make.. well.. a little less feminine.

By nightfall, we were laughing that we were just going to “yeet” a pretty thing at one another and have done with it. We care more than that, of course, it’s just that neither of us are formal people, neither of us care for pomp and show. Even the masquerade ball idea was merely a bucket list situation for a girl who didn’t get to go to prom. At least one formal dance, pretty please?

For a time, I suggested something in a nearby woods. It’s magical there, and to be honest, you couldn’t ask for a prettier, local setting. Legend has it that the woods are home to faeries, though I can attest that it’s more just a home to vicious squirrels who throw conkers at people who dare to walk through during breeding season.

“Can’t, we’re only allowed out for maximum of an hour of exercise at the moment.” Matt said flatly.

“Do you really think people care?” I replied. “Nobody is going to stand on the corner with a stopwatch and time how long we’ve been. Johnny Law isn’t going to chase us into the woods and drag us out by the earlobes because we dared to take sixty-one minutes. As far as Joe Public knows, we’re a married couple going for a walk ten minutes from our home, not attending a hundred-strong rave.”

“Sure about that?” he laughed.

“Certain. Though it is like an ice rink down there when it’s been raining.”

For a time, we thought about holding off until 22nd May, five days after our wedding anniversary when it would be warmer, maybe, though even that idea left us unenthused. It’s fine pick a when or a where, but what?

If there was one positive that’s come from all of this, it’s that we’re planning to bring you our new “Doing It Our Way” series, where we’ll be sharing with you how we do BDSM. To be honest, we’re sick and tired of hearing the shoulds and should nots, we’re sick and tired of hearing what positions a submissive should hold or the basic rules they should follow, so we’re going to be throwing the doors wide open and getting the message out there loud and clear that it’s absolutely okay to do BDSM in your own way. It’s okay to forgo collars and collaring ceremonies, it’s okay to forgo slave positions, contracts and masses of rules and it’s okay to be cheeky to other Dominants, too. Is it going to stir up some controversy? Quite possibly, but if anyone has the strength and gall to shake up the system, you can count on this girl 😉 Interested? Be sure to stick around.

And as for my mother? Well.. I’m stealing her idea right back (I’ve always loved anklets, anyway), but I’m also staying shtum about it so that this doesn’t become a – as Matt called it – “a submissive pissing contest”. Steal it back and walk away, those were those rules and surprisingly, just occasionally, I really can do as I’m told! I’m still going with silver and sapphire, and I’m going loosely on something like this morse code bracelet, which I think is so pretty. Mine will also be locking with a hex lock, and I don’t think hers will be. It’s also going on my left ankle, rather than my right, but that’s a story for another time 😉

Alright lovelies, once again, thankyou for hearing me out. Have an awesome Saturday and be sure to check back later for today’s “What’s Your Kink?” post.

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx

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