When You Get Bored Of BDSM

Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.

It seemed impalpable. After fifteen years, I was suddenly over it. Just like that, no interest, not even an inkling. I was, quite simply, bored of BDSM.

“How can you get ‘bored’ of BDSM?!” they scoff. How can someone possibly get bored of something that others deem fun and kinky and sexy, and is recommended by relationship gurus as a fun and sexy way to spruce up your love life?

But I am, and you can.

In the BDSM community, a lot of people think of BDSM as being a bit like chocolate sauce. If you get the chocolate sauce on your vanilla ice cream one day, then it’s awesome and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce really is something awesome. But if you have the chocolate sauce every day, the chocolate sauce stops being quite so special.

A bit like BDSM.

In my relationship, we regard ourselves as living a 24/7 D/s lifestyle. I am always under his watchful eye and protection, and there are rules that I am expected to follow (and may God so help me, I fear the consequences if I don’t!). Asides that though, we are a very normal couple. There is no leather collar, there are no morning rituals. Routines, maybe, but not rituals.

For us now, a vast majority of our dynamic probably comes in non-sexual things. Non-sexual things, like not hiding if I’m feeling really, truly bummed out about something. No secrets, that’s one of His rules.

But I can’t remember the last time we had a ‘session’ together.

“Hey Google, stop the music.”

“Hey Google, turn the bed lights warm white”.

There’s just no reason for your bedroom to look and feel like a sex dungeon when you’re not planning on getting it on. After that, though, comes the mutual curling up, the resting of heads on arms and that deep sigh: Where the heck has it gone?

We’re Normal People, Too

This past week, I’ve had three guest posts to write, two of which asked me to talk partially or fully about BDSM. Make no mistake, I’m really humbled that they did because that’s part of the reason I’m here, but after writing two pages of BDSM plus the beginnings of our ‘Brief Guide To BDSM‘, I’m knackered, I’m pooped, I’m all BDSM-ed out. BDSM isn’t fun and kinky for me right now. Now, BDSM feels more like a chore.

Last night should have been our ‘session’, it should have been fun and kinky and sexy, and yet, as Matt wrapped his hand around my throat, I wasn’t in the mood at all. I’d met my deadlines and had excused myself to the smallest room for a moment. When I came back with my ‘blogger head’ still firmly attached, he pounced.

“Burgundy, Wolf,” I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t having any of it, though.

“Respect my ‘burgundy’, before I drop the ultimate bomb.” I warned. He stopped.

Red, the ‘ultimate bomb’ is red, and in our thirteen years, red has only been used once. Matt hates ‘red’, just as any respectable Dominant would do. When a submissive uses red, it’s usually because something has gone horribly wrong. This wasn’t a proper and agreed scene though, so ‘red’ seemed unnecessary. ‘Burgundy‘ should do.

Away from BDSM, I have other hobbies and interests. Maybe not entirely normal ones, but they’re mine nonetheless. I listen to 90’s music a lot, I cook, a lot, I hang out with the dog a lot and, when it’s allowed, I love a bit of sea fishing, too. I’m also a keen stargazer, a housewife, a gardener and a chatterbox. I’m a very down-to-earth person and not obsessed with the fashion and make-up industry, but besides that, I’m seemingly normal: No mohawks, no body modifications, no studded leather jackets, just me. Even broader than that, in my relationship, we’re just us. BDSM is a part of us, it is not exclusively who we are.

In the BDSM community, it is quite surprising how quickly you learn things about one another, or rather, things about one another that aren’t kinky. You learn that one of the most masochistic people in attendance is also a university professor and you learn that the Resident Mistress also has a Bichon Frise called Charles, and that is not a euphemism. For newcomers at BDSM events, it’s also quite shocking for a lot of people when they discover how often we don’t talk about BDSM at all. BDSM is just not something that we really talk about, it’s something that we do.

But just like anything else that we do, we often outgrow our hobbies and interests on a whim, especially if we do them too often. How often have you picked up a hobby and been bored of it eight months on, especially when you do it every day? I know that I’ve had peaks and troughs like that with fishing in particular. When I head to Cornwall, I can’t wait to catch the first tide and I can’t wait to enjoy my first sunset, but then, by about the third or fourth tide, I’m kind of over it. As the Atlantic wind sets in, the warmth and comfort of the chalet sounds oh so much better. I enjoy fishing (and I enjoy camping, too), but after cramming in a tide probably every other day, I’m done, I’m over it. I want to go and do something else.

One of my favourite scenes, perhaps most interestingly, is the gliding scene in Fifty Shades of Grey. The BDSM is great and good, but to be honest, if you’re even remotely kinky then it’s all stuff that you’ve done before. What I loved about the gliding scene, though, is that it’s a little taste of Christian outside of BDSM. Okay, so it’s not a hobby that many of us can pursue on a whim, and yet still, there’s nothing kinky about it. It’s pure, organic joy, and it goes to show that we can be normal people, too. It’s not all leather and latex. We have other hobbies and interests as well!

A Curse And A Cure

One of the little things that many relationships experts won’t tell you is that BDSM is not the cure to your marital woes. It can spice up the bedroom, yes, but it is quite often not the antidote. People discover BDSM and they jump in with two feet first, Then, a few months later, it’s all gone a bit wrong and both are left wondering why. How on earth, they wonder, did BDSM not solve their problem?

Contrary to this, and from something of an insider position, I have seen countless BDSM relationships fall apart over a distinct lack of shared interests. People jump into BDSM relationships and they make commitments and have collaring ceremonies. Then, a few months later, one or both parties are at events or online, looking for their next partner.

That’s not to say that this happens everytime, but just like any other relationship, it is what happens when compatability isn’t at it’s core. If you’re considering spicing up your relationship with BDSM, I strongly advise you to consider the basic foundations first. BDSM can inject life and vitality into your relationship, but it won’t cure it. If you’re not compatible outside of the dungeon, BDSM will very seldom act like a panacea.

Is It Lost, Or Is It Just Lockdown?

Of course, it would be improper of me not to talk about stress as a contributing factor. Right now, a lot of people are still working from home and Matt is one of them, and so for this reason, I’m not turfing the floggers and crops out to the garbage just yet. If nothing else, there is a sense of sadness right now that it has all gone. Why has it gone? Where has it gone? Will it come back? These are all unknowns right now. For now, I’m allowing myself to know feel how I feel, to identify how I feel, and to work on overcoming the problems that I can fix. Ironically, throwing away my lacy lingerie was one of the best decisions that I made. One I stopped dressing myself “like a hippopotamus in a tutu”, my body confidence came back. I’m going to carry on blogging too, regardless of how I feel. There is a difference between helping others, and not feeling particularly kinky in myself. It will come back, I have faith, I just need to give it some time.

If all of this sounds like you, know that not everything in life is certain. As we begin to think about gradually easing out of lockdowns, it may be that many of us return to a more normal way of living and with that, our stress levels will die down. People can and do fall out of love with interests, only to fall back in love with them later on. Maybe, as we feel less pressures on our personal lives, we will begin relaxing again and with that, our love lives will come back once more. We’ve all just had an arduous year, perhaps we could all do with being a little more forgiving on ourselves right now. That’s easier said than done, I do realise, and many of us still expect ourselves to maintain the high standards that we were used to prior to lockdown. As my father used to say: c’est la vie.

I hope this writing has proven either helpful or thoughtful-provoking. Have you fallen in love with BDSM before, then fallen out of love with it again? How has your love life been in lockdown? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen & Matt xx

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