Setting Expectations In Your BDSM Relationship

Good evening lovelies,

Just lately and in lockdown, I’d be lying if I said our dynamic hadn’t gone on hold a bit, dramatically, it’s gone on hold dramatically. I’ve lost count of how often the Google Home routine has set in on a Fruday, “hey Google, set bedlights to warm white” one of us will say flatly. No sooner than our would-be play space is ready to play, it’s quickly turned back into an ordinary marital bedroom once again.

I wouldn’t say that any other aspects of us have been struggling, because whilst the dynamic has been ground to a near halt, we haven’t been, as a couple. Far from it in fact, we laugh and joke almost everyday. We laugh, we live, and we work fantastically well together. I make morning coffees, Matt makes lunches and we take it in turns to cook dinner, he works, I maintain the home and work on the blog. In everything else we have been absolutely perfect, but when it comes to the dynamic, there just isn’t so much going on.

Already the UK has taken the first steps towards getting back to normal. In Wales and Scotland, families can gather in groups of 4 in private gardens. Unfortunately for us here in England, we can’t have groups of six in gardens for another 12 days. As people busy themselves with preparations and excitement for getting their normal lives back a bit, so it feels like a great time for some reflection and ideas, going forward.

Last night, I read Penny & Captain Quinn’sMarried to Master series. I ummed and arred about suggesting Matt read it too and then I decided – what harm can one little read do?

Matt and I aren’t Master/slave, and we have always considered ourselves Dominant & submissive instead. He’s never considered himself as my owner, and I’ve never considered myself owned by him. He talks, I listen, that’s about as far as it goes!

As I wandered around ASDA in my leather jacket and perfectly co-ordinated black face mask, I pulled aside to send Matt the link. I continued with the shopping for a while and then checked my phone again to see what his response had been.

I wonder what our expectations will be?

I smiled to myself, it was the perfect time for a GIF:

via GIPHY

That’s not happening, came the reply. I shrugged, it was worth a try.

After shopping, the five of us hung out at the park for a while. Illegal? Technically yes, and yet, it’s quite amazing how many other people are most definitely breaking the law, too. The café was open, people were gathering and there was even an ice cream van in the park. It was a very bizarre and different gathering from the last time we’d all been together but it was still nice just to walk and chill. There isn’t quite so much emotional overload anymore and a lot of people have more or less gone back to normal now, and so have we, at least somewhat. The lockdown breaches of the Reclaim Our Streets protests were very much the hot topic of conversation in the air, together with a real sympathy for the brave men and women whose job it is to uphold the law during these protests, and who had nothing to do with the disappearance of Sarah Everard. People kept their distance in the park, but people still talked.

Back at home, we watched The Celebrity Circle final. That wasn’t my idea, but for the sake of compromise, I decided I’d le him watch it first.

“Now can we have that chat?” I asked. It wasn’t really a question, if we’re being honest.

“Okay!” he said, sitting upright and turning off the TV. Okay, I expected more debate than that. Now what? I hadn’t thought of that, what’s next?

“Okay, so… how do you want to do this?” I asked, I was half hoping for some of his creative input instead of banking on my momentary absence of creativity.

“Same way?” he proposed.

“… Yep, okay, I guess so,” I concluded, same way it is.

Starting From The Top

As I’d walked around ASDA, I’d already been putting together a few that I wanted to add: Be more enthusiastic about the relationship, invest in a better camera for blogging, these were all things that I wanted from Matt.

Take better care of your hair, those were his first words on the screen. Admittedly, I’d always been a bang it back in a ponytail and get on with the day kind of girl, and and my hair suffered tremendously as a result.

“Oh ho! Shots fired, Mr S!” I laughed.

Kitten to open up more, no more telling me “I’m fine”. I grimaced, that was a big one for me! I can be confrontational, but when it’s about my feelings? I’d rather pull my eyelashes out with a pair of pliers, that’s how much it pains me.

Explanations As Well As Expectations

It’s fine to have expectations, but we found that sometimes, without explaining the why, some of our expectations seemed rather snippy.

Manage your time well enough to stop eating at your desk, I wrote.

“It’s not good for you, or your computer, or for us” I smiled, “plus your desk is in our bedroom, and I don’t really want our bedroom smelling like a bistro and café. It’s bad enough that dinner smells waft in there” I concluded.

Be open to trying more new things – Trust Wolfie!

“That’s hard!” I argued.

“Yes, and what happened with Atomic Burger? You didn’t think you’d like them, and what happened?”

“This isn’t about burgers, but those were good burgers…” I grumbled.

“Exactly.”

“But some other places are bad burger places! You know how ill that one in The Surf Bay made me, so my burger skepticism is justified!”

“Still,” he laughed, “you need to learn to trust me more.” I sighed and shook my head, he still wanted to get me into a glider plane as a sort of case in point after Fifty Shades of Grey, and I was still adamant that both of my feet are staying firmly on the ground. I did trust him, mostly.

More input from Kitten

I looked at him as though he’d transfigured right in front of me,

“No more ‘I don’t mind’ or ‘you choose’. I need some input, Kitten, no more only what Daddy says.”

“But I do just don’t mind, you know me…”

“Well then mind a little bit more!.”

Setting Your Expectations

When it comes to finding the plans and sticking points for your dynamic, it’s really important that it reflects you, not any other dynamic that you have read about, seen or know of. It can reflect your strengths, your weakness, your relationship sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally and so on. These are just a few of ours, and just as much as he has cracked down on me on a few of my imperfections, so I have got Matt doing a bit more of the cooking, too – it turns out, he actually wanted to! Don’t forget, just as important as it is to have some ideas for the future, so ‘to never lose sight of our sick, twisted sense of humour’ might be one of our ambitions now and for the future, too.

I hope you enjoyed this first day of our journey. How has your dynamic been throughout this lockdown? What do you expect in your dynamic? Why not share your thoughts in the comments?

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen & Matt xx

One thought on “Setting Expectations In Your BDSM Relationship

  1. Helen – It is impossible to become an expert where no manual exists. I am not a BDSM expert, I am simply a writer with more than a decade of experience in the BDSM scene. Knowledgeable and sometimes inspiring, even occasionally actually funny. Broken in body, relentless in spirit.
    Helen @ TKC says:

    You’re absolutely more than welcome, and thankyou for sharing your journey! I can’t wait to read more from you both tomorrow 🙂 Stay safe and keep smiling xx

Leave a Reply