The Hidden Frustrations Of A Sex Blogger

As the years roll by in the blogging community, something that often comes to my attention is blogging fatigue. That is, fatigue after years and years of writing, and still maybe (or not) getting very far. Different bloggers will have different frustrations and I’ve seen several people mention various grievances, from my good friend Bill, who talks about being asked the same questions over and over, Youtuber Spencer2TheWest, who talks about the invasive questions he gets asked about life without his legs, and PoojaG, who shares her frustrations with WordPress in and of itself.

These frustrations aren’t about blogging on the whole, because that has been covered several times before. Today, I want to share with you a very candid view of some of my own frustrations that I have within my niche.

1. Being Expected To Overshare

This has to be at the top of my list for me, because as a BDSM blogger, there is sort of an expectation that you will put all of your kinky life on the table for all of the world to read. People know you must be having lots of kinky sex and so they want to read all about that kinky sex, but BDSM bloggers are not porn stars. Think of sex and BDSM bloggers as being a bit more like your doctor, we are here to advise and support you and to encourage you to have a fun, safe and generally great lifestyle, but we are not here to help you get off (unless we’ve said we are, in which case no judgement here!). We are knowledgeable in our field, but also private within it. Your doctor probably knows a lot about the treatment options for their own body thanks to years of studying medicine, but that doesn’t mean that they want to divulge their medical history to you. When a sex or a BDSM blogger opens up to you and gives you a juicy little insight into the life they lead, please be humble. That information would normally be incredibly private and could be exploited in a heartbeat, but we are trusting you not to hurt or exploit us. We’re trying to give you a little bit of ourselves so that you know we’re the real deal, and that we really do live the lifestyle that we promote. Different bloggers will have different levels of what they’re comfortable with, or when, but that’s not for you to decide.

2. Bloggers Who Overshare To Get Popular

As a BDSM blogger, I network with a lot of other BDSM bloggers, and to be honest, it really does raise my eyebrows when I see or read how some people are doing things. I have seen many, many blogs who went full-throttle on the oversharing front, and then cease to exist only a few months on. One of the awards that I’ve seen around, and that I aspired to, was the ‘Chaturbate Award’. I wanted that award for my blog until I realised how some bloggers might be getting it. When you realise this, you realise that some people will stop at nothing to make it big and become popular. I talk about BDSM because I’ve lived the lifestyle for a long time and because there is a growing number of people who are curious about it, and where else are they going to learn than from the people who live it? I want to be here to help, but I resolutely refuse to use my body to promote what I do. Of course I empower people to live and lead any lifestyle they want to lead, but I also feel that some people are using their bodies for all of the wrong reasons, and it worries me so much for them later on. If you’re using your body and selling nudes to make money then all credit and power to you. If you’re giving your nude photos out for free on your blog to get popular, maybe it’s time to revaluate your motives. Of course you’ll be popular if you’re providing free nudes- any store that has a giveaway will inevitably attract plenty of people, but the customers will leave as soon as the goods are gone, and the store owner’s pockets will still be empty. Worse than that, some greedy people will also sell the free goods to line their own pockets, and you’re potentially enabling them to use your body to fund their own lavish lifestyle, all at no added cost to them. Doesn’t feel so great, does it?

3. The Expectation That I Am In ‘BDSM Mode’ ALL. THE. TIME

So I’m a BDSM blogger, and you thought I must live my life at least in full black, with chains, a collar and piercings, and heavy metal playing loudly in the background? Surprise! More often, I’m wearing a cute tee and jeans or black yoga pants (especially in lockdown) whilst listening to movie soundtracks, completely collar, cuff and make-up free. I also do other non-kinky things, like go for long walks with Matt and Hugo or head up my local pub. I divulge in baking and arts & crafts or like to spend time just chilling out in front of the TV with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. It’s crazy, isn’t it? I’m normal, just like you.

One of the biggest things that I feel, and is why I try and persuade people so strongly away from thinking that a 24/7 BDSM relationship is what they think it is, or that it’s what they want, is because in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, we spend a whole lot of time being ‘normal’. You’re not constantly tied up or crawling around on your hands and knees. We watch TV, we hang out with friends and we have perfectly normal conversations without strict rules and protocols. There’s a time for being kinky and a time for being normal, and anyone who has gone the distance will know that. Sadly and unfortunately, some of the relationships that only last a short time, at least I feel, do so because they put kink above all and everything else, and then once the cracks begin appearing in that kinky exterior and the normal, not-so-perfect civilian shows through, people want nothing more to do with one another. What is one of the best ways to tolerate your kinky partner’s love for banter and beer, whilst still having all of that amazing rough sex that you’ve long been dreaming of? You guessed it, compromise.

4. Being Expected To Doll Out Kinky Advice On A Whim

This goes up there with a lot of grievances from others, because it’s something that I too have experienced. People find out that you’re a BDSM blogger, and BOOM! That’s it, suddenly you turn into their very own personal sex guru. A friend knows you write about BDSM, and they want your recommendations on the best strap-on dildo. A colleague knows you write kink, and they want to know how they can turn their bedroom into a dungeon. As someone who has always said that I will be there for other people, I hold that promise, but with one small caveat: Let’s talk at a convenient time. If I’m in the middle of my groceries shop and someone bounds up to me and wants to talk about anal training, a store full of customers is quite clearly not the right time! I want to help people, and I love helping people, but it’s a lot easier to talk kink in a quiet corner of a pub, rather than in a queue of people, with a whole line of frustrated and unimpressed faces.

5. Monetizing Your Blog Is HARD

I love what I do, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want to make enough money to at least make my blog affordable, and even enough to make it possible for me to come off of one of my disability benefits. I don’t dream of wealth, but even £200 a week instead of my means-tested benefit would be a great feeling and it would leave me feeling as though I actually earn my money, it would make my blog viable and it would give me slightly more than what I’m currently on, whilst not necessarily making me rich.

When it comes to writing about sex though, making enough money to make your blog worthwhile is extremely hard. Amazon won’t allow you on their affiliates programme if you write about sex, and Stripe wants nothing to do with you, making monthly subscriptions to a premium service more difficult. There is always the option of selling your used underwear and nudes through your own online shop though, which sort of brings us back to point one above…

6. The Plethora Of Everyday Oversharers

I have a neighbour, a darling neighbour who, for whatever reason, simply insists that we must talk about sex at some point in our conversations. When you’re caught up in a conversation and they very quickly change the topic to whether their partners spit or swallow, you can wind up overhearing much, much more than you ever intended to. If you thought that visiting a blog and seeing a naked body was bad, hearing your neighbour lament about sex is far worse. If you’re going to talk to your sex blogger friend about your issues, remember my points about arranging a convenient time and only telling us what we need to know to help you. Would you tell your doctor in great detail all about the amazing oral-anal combo that your ex-partner gave you? I thought not. Please, spare us the details unless we ask.

Just in a similar vein, how else could we talk about frustrations without ever mentioning d*ck pics? I’ve had too many otherwise pleasant and intelligent conversations completely destroyed by the presentation of a penis. If it’s not flaccid, it’s standing proudly to attention and worse still, it’s usually photographic proof that they’re taking care of business whilst we talk. When that happens, it’s time to press block and delete.

7. Having To Write About Kink In The Middle Of A Kink-Drought

Ouch! This one stings. With some of our ‘What’s Your Kink?’ posts, they were written when we hadn’t been kinky in weeks. It’s not that the best intentions weren’t there, it’s just that in lockdown, how many of us felt like getting our freak on? Not many. Still though, as a blogger, you need to create consistent content and as a BDSM blogger, you gotta do what you gotta do. If that means writing about kink because it’s on the schedule at a time when you yourself are clawing at the walls whilst your partner simply hasn’t been feeling it, then you better suck it up, pull your socks up and crack on. It sucks real bad, but if you fall behind, then you fall off of the radar. The blogging game can be brutal.

8. Judgement From Other People

Oof, you thought I was done with the sucky things? This is probably the suckiest of them all. It can be hard to tell people what I blog about because people really expect a sweet, disabled woman to reveal more cutesy things like arts & crafts, fashion or food. It’s not that there is anything wrong with those blogs, it’s just that if some stupid brave souls don’t bite the bullet, we know in our hearts that some less fortunate souls could end up seriously hurt or even killed because of something that we didn’t write about, and we would rather pull our toenails out with a pair of pliers than have anyone get hurt in a way that they didn’t consent to and won’t enjoy. We’re here because we care, we’re here because we want you to enjoy it and to stay safe, and so when someone tells us that they don’t like or care for what we do, it’s kind of like we’re being told that they don’t care that we care for other people, which is a bit daft. I’ve had a few instances of being told that what I do is “too much information”, and that really stings, because how do we promote safe sex (both kink and non-kinky) if we never talk about it? I try really hard not to judge other people who don’t care for what I do, but if I’m being honest, I find it exceptionally hard to engage with them at that point. People have sex, and people have had sex since the dawn of time. It’s a hard pill to swallow for some people, but the world will be a much nicer, happier and safer place if we at least accepted it instead of covering our ears and eyes. Information is power, and information comes from people. Why don’t I leave it up to somebody else to talk about kinky sex? For the same reason that they don’t leave it up to me. If not me, then who? Somebody needs to step up and be that friendly disabled, kinky blogger, and I am more than happy to help.

Alright lovelies, I hope you enjoyed this post. Do you write about a really controversial topic? What frustrations do you have? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below.

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun.

Helen & Matt xx

4 thoughts on “The Hidden Frustrations Of A Sex Blogger

  1. Thanks for the shoutout! Even though my niche is pretty different I totally understand why the things you mentioned can be annoying. It’s pretty hard to monetize your blog in general too so it must be a lot harder for you since a lot of people don’t want to work with BDSM bloggers or blogger that talk about sex.

    1. Helen – It is impossible to become an expert where no manual exists. I am not a BDSM expert, I am simply a writer with more than a decade of experience in the BDSM scene. Knowledgeable and sometimes inspiring, even occasionally actually funny. Broken in body, relentless in spirit.
      Helen @ TKC says:

      You’re more than welcome! Oh absolutely it is hard to make money from blogging, but it definitely becomes harder when you have adult topics. There is opportunities to affiliate with adult toy stores, but even they have high standards so it’s not as simple as jumping from one to the other. I have some ideas but I’ve yet to action them. As I’m sure you’re more than aware, there just aren’t enough hours in the day!

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