Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
This is such an interesting question and something that I think is so important to answer and explain for all new and aspiring kinky people – your story absolutely can and will change over time! Be ready for it, expect it and accept it. The things you think you want to try, you might not like after all. The things you like now, you might not like in five years (or even five months!)) time. The people you meet will teach you something you’ve never thought of before, or change your mind on something you thought to be true. When you’re ready for this, the story of your evolution becomes just that little bit easier.
I want to start off by reiterating the fact that I did not start off as a submissive, I was a humiliation Dominatrix, or rather, a humiliatrix. As someone who loves and understands psychology, I absolutely loved toying with my partners’ minds. I used to pace up and down the garden path and remind one of my submissive partners of how I was wearing casual clothes, all while still being able to reduce him to a grovelling, whimpering mess. When I met the man who would later become my submissive of several years, I would deny him of orgasms after promising him I’d be nice to him the next day, and my version of ‘nice’ was letting him hear me deny him his orgasm over audio instead of typing it out, or setting him a written task with the promise that he could have his orgasm if he completed it (he was almost certain to fail). I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the power, the control, the feeling that these men were for my entertainment whenever I wanted them to be – whilst also caring about them as my close friends.
So what happened, and why the switch?
I think the first sign was realising that nobody really cared about me. I mean they did, but not in quite the same way. I could say “I’m going to X” and the reaction from most people would be “okay then”. I didn’t have anybody telling me that no, I couldn’t. I didn’t have anybody challenging me or making me work for what I wanted. I got whatever I wanted in my day-to-day life and as a humiliatrix and to be honest, I got kind of bored. Sometimes I’d also feel so evil and in control that I’d actually start freaking out a little bit inside: Am I actually evil?! Where will I even stop?! Help! I have too much control!
Sometimes I’d turn up to events and I’d watch what happened. I’d watch with a mixture of sort of smugness that these submissives were being trained, some of them even quite harshly, and a comfort that it would never happen to me. By being approachable and creative in the way that I handled my own submissive, I also began to be noticed more in the local BDSM scene. Really noticed.
The problem with being a young female Dominant – who wasn’t in it to simply earn a quick buck – is that you become quite attractive to a whole lot of men. It wouldn’t matter what I was doing or where I was, “hi Mistress” would grace my inbox at least 2-3 times per day – even on days when I wasn’t feeling very Dominant at all! After my relationship with my submissive ended very unexpectedly, I needed some time to myself to think. The only way that I could get away from all of the pressures of being a Dominatrix was to free myself from the title completely.
I hung around for a while as a simply kinky person. I was interested in the BDSM lifestyle and I had been Dominant, even if I’d also had some submissive fantasies. I sort of identified myself as a possible switch, and I was open to wherever life would lead me.
I caught wind that one of the members on the now-defunct kink social platform, Informed Consent, had taken a shine to me. I imagined he was probably another submissive, so I was quite surprised to discover that he was Dominant. It started the wheel turning and put a lot of questions into my mind: could I ever see myself as a submissive?
Even if we didn’t work out, the idea of being a BDSM submissive started to sink deeper into me. I was nervous, oh hell I was nervous, but I couldn’t deny that somewhere deep inside, a little part of the idea of it really turned me on. I was bored of having freedom and control, I needed someone who would finally, finally tell me “no”. For me, the idea of losing control was the sexiest, most liberating feeling of all.
You’re probably wondering where Matt fits into all of this?
When I first introduced Matt to the BDSM scene, his initial reaction was “eww”. Yep, “eww”, the idea of BDSM absolutely horrified him, and so I spent the first two years of our relationship exploring BDSM all on my own. As he warmed up to the idea though, he began to ask more and more questions. The more he warmed up, the more I pushed him and the more he’d push back. Before too long, he’d worn me to a point that I’d accepted him, I’d accepted that he loved me and that he cared for me. I accepted that he saw worth in me, as a person and as his submissive. Instead of believing that I would be worthless if I were to become a submissive, I found my worth, as his submissive.
So how else have I changed in the 11 years since becoming a BDSM submissive? Let’s take a look at some ‘then and now’ pointers that really stand out.
If It’s Not Sex Or Whipping, It’s Not BDSM
Then: I believed that if your Dominant partner isn’t punishing your or using you sexually, it’s not BDSM.
Now: Bull! Being a submissive can be doing anything your Dominant partner asks (or tells) you to do, that you have both agreed is within limit. As a domestic as well as sexual submissive, that can be anything from being naked in bed, to organising a cupboard or doing some decorating. It could be picking out some toys for playtime, or it might be finding a birthday present or making some tea for our guests. Absolutely anything can be part of your BDSM relationship if you want it to be!
If You’re Cheeky And Playful, You’re A Brat
Then: I believed that there is a distinction between a submissive and a brat, and if you’re cheeky and playful, then you’re a brat. Brats are undesirable and and your brattiness should be trained out of you.
Now: Nope! if your Dominant likes you to be cheeky and playful, then be cheeky and playful! My good Sir often says that he would get bored of a submissive that was always obedient, and that I challenge him to become better and to do better (always happy to assist, Sir 😉 ). I know when I’ve gone too far. I know when I’ve f***ed up. Why? Because I get the Dom stare!
Nobody Wants A Submissive That Isn’t Perfect
Then: I believed that if you’re not slim, busty, obedient and beautiful, nobody will want you.
Now: Let’s just bury this one right here, folks. Absolutely ANYONE belongs in the BDSM lifestyle! I don’t care whether you’re old, young, fat, thin, whether you think you’re a bridge troll or if you’ve won a beauty pageant. If you’re kinky, you belong, and if you’re submissive, well then congratulations! You’ve got what it takes to be a good submissive to the right somebody. How does it feel?
Submissives Sit On The Floor, That’s Just How It Goes
Then: I believed that submissives sit on the floor because that is their place.
Now: This is not strictly true. Many submissives kneel on the floor, particularly those who part-take in the Gorean lifestyle. However, the floor isn’t only for Gorean slaves, just as furniture isn’t only for Dominants (fight me 😉 ). Kneeling on the floor is something that should be discussed as part of your dynamic as to whether it’s expected at all times, only at certain times, or not expected at all. Matt also used to make me kneel on the floor and I used to sulk because I didn’t ‘get it’, I felt like I was being punished and that I had a right to be up on the seats with everybody else. Now and with lots of communication, he’s a lot more gentle with me and he checks in with me to make sure I’m happy and I’m not in any pain. Because of that (and because restricted eye contact is not part of our dynamic), I always flash a happy and proud smile to other people. At home, I’m only expected to kneel on the floor before a session to help me ground myself with what is about to happen. By learning to be in the moment instead of trying to ‘feel’ anything, I’m finally ‘getting it’, too!
Being Submissive Doesn’t Feel Good
Then: I believed that submissives were supposed to feel worthless and that they are there only to please their partners. They want to feel worthless and low, for some unknown reason.
Now: Being a BDSM submissive absolutely can feel good – freeing, relaxing, liberating. I was so right about giving up control, because when you’re only focused on doing what is on a prescribed list and nothing else, your mind calms. You stop trying to remember everything and instead focus only on what is in front of you. You also know that somebody is proud of you and believes in your worth, and when that happens, the opinion of anybody else simply doesn’t matter at all.
You Have To Endure Every Punishment Your Dominant Gives You
Then: If believed that if your Dominant wants to spank you or cane you hard, then they will, and that is your punishment for displeasing them.
Now: Umm… hello… never heard of communication?! That is absolutely not the case, and if a Dominant insists on only using pain for punishment regardless of what you want then you need to get away from them, and fast. You can have funishments and punishments, and a Dominant partner should never hit you harder than what they know you can handle, if you even want them to use physical punishments at all. If you accept hard, physical punishments as part of your dynamic, then you do so because you choose to do so, you do not do so because you have to. Don’t want to be spanked, flogged or caned for any misgivings? Speak up!
If You Say No To A Rule, You’re A Bad Submissive
Then: I believed that if you don’t want to go without underwear in public or hand over control of your sexual pleasure then it’s tough luck. If you don’t accept it, you’re a bad submissive.
I want to expand on this one a bit here, because I specifically remember serving a Dominant for short time who had only two chosen punishments – clothespegs on the nipples or toothpaste on the clitoris. On this one occasion, he’d told me to do something and I said no, I wasn’t comfortable with what he’d asked. For refusing, he inflicted a punishment that I also wasn’t comfortable with, resulting in a nasty UTI. Two days later, he dumped me in a very belittling way because I ‘disappointed’ him by refusing one of his rules.
Now: Just no. Don’t like a rule? Of course you can insist on changing or or deleting it. Your Dominant doesn’t agree? Then don’t submit to them. Even in consensual non-consent and Total Power Exchange dynamics, the rules are always, always agreed. If a Dominant punishes you for refusing a rule that you’re really not comfortable with and for any reason at all, get out. Remember, in BDSM, consent is absolutely key.
24/7 D/s Means 24/7, Without Any Breaks
Then: I believed that 24/7 D/s means always being a submissive, all day, every day.
Now: Not necessarily, but also to a point. 24/7 means that your partner is always your Dominant, but you’re not necessarily always wearing a collar or always doing kinky things. Similar to my earlier point, it could also involve running errands – however vanilla they may be!
Your Mental Health = Your Problem
Then: I believed that it was up to the submissive to look after their mental health, they should not burden their Dominant with helping them or taking care of them.
Now: I honestly can’t imagine where my head would be at without my Sir. Heck, I can’t imagine where my life would be at without my Sir! Everything, from task lists on bad days to opening jars for me because of my chronic pain condition (we have a rule that prohibits me from opening jars, and even lands me in trouble if I don’t ask for help!). I remember a time I kept getting suicidal ideations and I was so sure that I was on the brink of doing something to myself, but it was my Sir that got me through. Just hearing his voice gave me the strength to power on. Many, many Dominants will think nothing of helping a submissive who asks for help to better look after their mental health.
You Need A Collar To Be A Submissive
Then: I believed that every submissive wears a collar, a collar that their Dominant bought for them. If they don’t wear a collar, they aren’t a submissive.
Now: Oh swan off, kindly! Do you know where submission really lies, really? It lies in your heart! It’s not around your neck, it’s in your heart, and if your heart isn’t in it, then what’s around your neck won’t matter anyway. Not only, but the physical markers of a submissive can be absolutely anything at all as chosen by you and your Dominant. It could be a collar, or it could be a piece of symbolic jewellery, a piercing, a tattoo or body modification, a hairband, a colour or a perfume – absolutely anything. Here’s my beautiful handmade bracelet and ‘day collar’. Even if I made it, my good Sir wasn’t having me pay a pretty penny towards the materials!
I hope this post has taken some of the common ideas and cconceptions about BDSM and shown you how I’ve rewritten (or eve flatly abolished!) then some several years later. What surprised you the most? How has your dynamic changed over the years? Why not share your thoughts in the comments?
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
Helen & Matt xx