When we hear about “the other woman”, we often think of a woman that encourages our partner to stray. It’s not only in heterosexual relationships that this happens, it can happen in gay and lesbian relationships, too. What’s not important right now is gender or sex, what is important here, is infidelity.
But what if I told you that quite often, the “other” person too, is a victim?
I first met R in a bit of a low in my relationship with Matt. Things weren’t bad, but by Jove, there were certainly some imperfections! Matt loved his video games and he didn’t do much around the home, he also wasn’t interested in certain elements of BDSM like I was. For R, who identified as a “closeted switch”, his wife was hardly interested in sex at all, nevermind BDSM. In many ways, it was the perfect storm.
I opened up to R a lot. With Matt’s permission, I opened up about a lot of my kinks and fantasies and desires, and for his part, R helped me explore them. We chatted online a lot, and he’d tease me and ask me questions, encouraging me to explore thoughts and ideas that I’d never thought to explore before. Sometimes he’d try me out with some roleplay and I had mixed feelings about that. I’d never really “got” roleplay. I mean, I’d sort of seen asterisks and brackets used in play scripts and stuff, but if you want sex… why not just have sex? Why not just masturbate?
I began to realise that things with R were wrong when he mentioned his wife. I began to realise that I was in too deep when she stopped bothering me, when I lived in a fantasy that things would be okay, that she would love and accept me as a part of him, too. Even if she knew nothing about me, for a time, I’d convinced myself that we’d be fine, all thanks to my thoughts and knowledge of open relationships and polyamory. I know, talk about delusional thinking!
The first time I blocked R, I blocked him because the rose-tinted glasses had lifted and I knew that this wasn’t right. This wasn’t right of him, and it wasn’t fair on his wife, either. Matt knew and agreed for me to talk to other people as a way to vent about my kinks, but again, R’s wife knew nothing about me. That felt too much like infidelity to me, so I blocked him.
Then I unblocked him, when I kind of missed everything we had.
The second time I blocked R, he was pressurizing me into sending nude photos. I have no issue with people doing it and have done it myself, but, you know, usually only my breasts, to a very select few people, and only ever with my husband’s permission. What R wanted though was more. More than what I was comfortable with, more than what I was willing to give, more than what I was allowed to give.
So I blocked him.
Then I noticed an annoying little idiosyncrasy that I’d developed, “for science”.
“For science” was something that R had always said. It was a sort of a kink-based cover story that he had created, if you will, for all the ways he planned to torture me, for all of the wicked things he’d planned to do to me if we’d ever met. There would be no illicit thoughts or feelings involved in our little rendevous, it would be purely “for science”.
So when I did something which I knew was wrong, like picking up a new flavour of chocolate that I knew I didn’t really need or buying some international snacks that would only add to my calorie count, that too became my argument. It wasn’t wrong, it was purely “for science”.
So I unblocked him again, and I thanked him for leaving me with this habit, a lasting little part of him, in me.
And to be honest, three days was long enough for me to realise that there was a soundingly good reason why I’d blocked him in the first place.
The first day, he messaged me in the late evening. The second and third, it was gone 10pm and both times, he disappeared suddenly. If that doesn’t send alarm bells ringing about a situation, nothing will.
And so, for one last and final time, I blocked and deleted him again.
In a weird way, what feels good for me now is that I have closure. Perhaps what I needed more than anything was the realization that this wasn’t ever meant to be anything and the ability to see what was really going on. Instead of being kept as his dirty little secret, I’ve freed myself from him and I’ve gone back to the husband who loved and trusted me not to do something I shouldn’t. Something that I wouldn’t, you know, because of trust.
So how do you get out from being kept as a dirty little secret for yourself? Here are my own pointers, from my own experiences of being involved with men who were cheating:
1. Recognise The Signs
The long gaps in communication, the sudden disappearances, the non-commitment, pray-tell, the mention of a girlfriend or a wife! Honey, don’t kid yourself into thinking that wedding bells are in your future. If he can cheat on his partner, then the chances are good that he can cheat on you, too. Time to get rid.
2. Know And Believe In Your Worth
This is perhaps the hardest stage because the chances are good that if you’ve fallen for his charms then you may believe that without him, you will be worthless. You believe that your life will be worthless, you need him to validate you! Sweetheart, that’s just not true. If he fell for you, then so can another man, a single man, a man without hidden attachments and preconditions. He fell for you because you had something that he wanted, it’s just too bad that so too does his wife.
If It’s Online…
3. Tell Him That You’re Cooling Things Off
If it’s been going on a while, he does deserve to know. Even if you’ve only just come across his married ass, he needs to hear that he’s been unearthed, too. He might genuinely be emotionally invested in you, but that doesn’t mean he gets to have his cake and eat it. Unless you’re all agreed on an open relationship (and you have spoken to his partner yourself!), he has some choices to make.
4. Block & Delete His Contact Details
Yes, this stage sucks, but trust me boo, it’s for the best. His ass was cheating with you, and you know who deserves better? You do. Maybe his missus will kick his two-timing butt to the kerb as well, but don’t hang around in the hopes that she will and so that you guys can run off into the sunset together. While there have most certainly been a few happy ever after stories, the chances are more likely that he’ll go back to her and either get that marriage therapy that they both desperately needed, or finally get that divorce that they were both looking for. Infidelity is a common reason for a divorce, but that doesn’t mean you need to play the homewrecker. Absolve yourself from this mess before you get drawn in.
5. Preocucupy Yourself With Other Things
Don’t sit online and hope that he’ll find some way to reach out to you. If you’ve moved on, then he probably will, too. Instead of sitting around and moping about what you guys had (NB. You didn’t, because his ass was lying to you), find something else to do, something fun, like trying a new make-up look or doing a spot of baking. The more fun you have without him, the less important he will become to you.
If It Was Physical…
I mention this because two of the men who sexually assaulted me weren’t romantically-involved, but were similarly sex-deprived.
3. End The Relationship In Person, In A Public Place
Look, no matter what goes down, I do believe that physical relationships should be ended in person, unless there is a really good reason (like a risk of physical harm) why they shouldn’t be. By meeting in a public (and preferably busy) place, you reduce the risk of him wooing you back into bed for one last go. You don’t want to be the other woman anymore, remember that and it will serve you well.
4. Block Calls & Texts
The same rule applies, no matter what. You want this person out of your life, so see them gone No texts, no calls, just pure peace and quiet from here on forth.
5. Involve The Police, If Necessary
I’m really hoping that this step won’t be necessary, but sadly sometimes, the police are what’s needed to make your former beau realise that it’s over. If things turn ugly, you have every right to ask the police to intervene.
And Finally, No Matter What Happened…
6. Allow Yourself Time To Grieve
Sweetheart, you got played for a fool. You believed in the hopes and dreams, the promises and the happily ever after where happily ever after was nowhere to be found. You’re going to be upset, you’re going to be angry and you’re going to be hurt, so allow that to happen. Allow yourself to vent, allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to drown your sorrows in a pint of chocolate ice cream or punch a pillow ’til it bursts, but whatever you do, please don’t text him back.
I hope this post helps you if you ever need it, or pray tell, gives you a chuckle and a heartfelt smile, even if you don’t. As one last note, I should thank the WordPress community again for your love and support because without you showing me how confident, capable and strong I really am, I may never have escaped from R’s charms.
Until next time,
Stay safe & have fun,