It’s a common Redtube fantasy; a hot guy is out on the driveway, servicing his car. A cute girl next door steps out, he notices her and he offers to service her car instead. One thing leads to another, grease and sweat flies everywhere and the only thing that gets serviced is her.
Maybe you’ve seen some other version of this storyline, or maybe you have some other neighbour fantasy play out in your mind for yourself. Whatever the narrative is, today I want to share with you the hot topic on my block, and why boinking the guy or girl next door is not a wise choice. Before we get started though, here’s the juice:
I have an upstairs neighbour, let’s call him Mr X. A flat (or apartment, for our international friends) near ours has been empty almost as many years as we’ve lived here, so it can be a little hard to keep on track of who your neighbours are and so as such, nobody really takes long enough to get to know them, either. Nobody, that is, until Mr X.
When we first moved in, we had a single guy in that flat and a taken man, Mr X, upstairs. Mr X has now split from his partner and as I mentioned earlier, the first guy has now moved out. New neighbours have been and gone until a few weeks ago, when a young girl and her son moved in. As is only natural for him, Mr X he was the first to take some time to get to know her better.
Now, as a rule, I’m generally a “not my circus, not my monkeys” kind of girl. We have drug dealers across the street from us, two of them, but anytime the police have asked us to spill the beans, we pretend that we haven’t seen anything unusual. Why? Because they’ve never been a bother to us and nor do we want them to become one, but I digress. My point is, I generally keep my beak out of other peoples’ business.
But what when other peoples’ business becomes my business? What when my sleep is being disrupted by other peoples’ business? What when I can live a better, happier life, because of other peoples’ business? What when other people are noticing other peoples’ business, and commenting on said business? That’s what we’re here to talk about today. So as I watch this drama unfold in real-time, here are some of the telltale signs that you’re neighbours are cosying up:
1. They Insist That They And The Other Neighbour Are Not Sleeping Together
This was one of the first and the earliest signs. Mr X spoke to me and knew our new neighbour by name, but also had to insist to me that they were not having relations. Congratulations! We aren’t having sex either, but I’m also not having sex with our neighbours in numbers 2, 4, 6, 8… Did I mention to you that I’m not having relations with my neighbours to make absolutely sure that you did not get the wrong impression? Nope, and that’s because it’s none of your beeswax, buddy! Unless of course, I make my business your business. So then, why should your not-having-sex friendship with our neighbour be suddenly so concerning to me, hmm?
2. They Visit Them All. The. Time
This one is so painfully obvious. For someone who used to go out of the gate and veer right if we were ever in the front garden at the same time, Mr X now goes out of the gate and veers left. Not only, but he visits several times a day and suddenly seems quite sheepish about being seen going out. Three guesses why that might be! It doesn’t take a genius, does it?
3. Their Absence Is Felt (Sometimes In A Good Way)
This time last summer, Mr X would have been out in our shared garden, shirt off with music blaring whilst he worked. This week, there’s been no music and the garden is absent of Mr X who, presumably, is sleeping off the night before. Those of us who would normally let our gardens fill with weeds to avoid spending time around Mr X have instead been doing some serious weeding, aerated our lawns, planted new plants and more, all whilst enjoying peace and quiet and the ability to talk without having to shout over Mr X’s radio. While the going is good for those of us who want to live in peace, you take it.
4. You Notice An Increase In Night Time Activity
Most nights, Mr X would go out and be back by 1AM at the latest, and we knew this because his entrance hallway is at the end of our bedroom. All of a sudden, the door goes about 11PM and doesn’t go again then until about 5AM when he comes home. He isn’t working and in the dead of the night, we often hear conversations next door. Say no more…
5. They’re Doing Favours For Them That They Didn’t Do For Anyone Else
Okay, I’ll admit to being a bit naughty here because as my neighbour is off forging new alliances, so too am I – with plants! Okay no, not actual friendships with plants, but plants as a sort of bartering tool. I found out through a conversation over the fence that our other, other neighbour likes gardening, so I’ve been offering her plug plants and seeds that I’m not using. Where one alliance falls apart (at least temporarily, but more on that later), new ones can and will form in their place. Far from finding myself sandwiched between two shacked-up neighbours, Mr X also finds himself sandwiched between two women who get on swimmingly, and whom neither appreciate the state of his garden. Still though, in the whole time that we’ve been on this street, Mr X has never offered to look after anyone else’s kid or dog. I wonder what’s made him so friendly all of a sudden?
6. They Experience A Subtle Attitude Change That They Aren’t Personally Aware Of
Until the new arrival, I was always “love”. Even if I didn’t want to be, I was “love”, which is sort of the Bristolian word that men call the ladies that they don’t have a problem with. All of a sudden, I’m “bud”, which to be honest, is kind of a masculine, couldn’t-care-less-if-you’re-alive-or-dead sort of thing. It’s so subtle and yet, it’s noticeable. Again, I’ll talk about the ramifications of that a little later on.
Now that we know what we’re looking at, let’s do what we really come here for. Aside from the obvious risks like affairs, sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, let’s take a look at eight reasons why sleeping with your neighbour is never a good idea:
1. You’re Suddenly Hotter News Than Brangelina
Who is Brangelina again? We’ve forgotten, and that’s because you and your neighbour are the new talk around town. You mentioned them to a few neighbours and you keep telling us all about them, even before the rest of us have been able to introduce ourselves. You’ve been visiting them often and doing all of the other things I’ve mentioned above. We know that something is going on, and we think we know exactly what.
2. Your Business Is Most Definitely Now Our Business
You told us that nothing is going on, but we’ve worked you out and now we sort of half-heartedly want the details. Was he the amazing lay he claims to be? How long did it take you to convince her into bed? Does he have a tiny d*ck after all or a weird Mommy kink that we should know about? (NB. Kink-shaming is never okay, unless you’re a real douchenozzle who sort of deserves it). We want the juicy bits because if they’ve been lying to us for decades, we all want to be able to have a good laugh aboutt it. So c’mon – details!
3. You’ll Both Get A Name (And It Won’t Be Cute Like Brangelina)
If, like Mr X, you flirt with any female neighbour that moves in, you’ll get a nickname for yourself. “Cassanova” is already the one that’s floating about, but so too is “Prince Charming”. It sounds cute, but trust me, the implication couldn’t be farther from it. Mr X is already known for being aggressive towards romantic partners and women on the whole, and now he’s got a reputation for sleeping with other women on the street, too. For her, within only weeks of moving in, she’s already been labelled as a woman who has probably been putting it about. If you’ve just moved into the area, is that something you really want, to be known as the street bike? Have some self-respect and thank your neighbour for their help with your words, not your body.
4. You’ll Gain (Unwanted) Friends
Have you noticed the old man/lady giving you cutesy waves from across the street? Congratulations! That’s because they’ve heard that you’ve been giving out the goodies and now they either want a slice or your money pie, or they’ve been enjoying the thought of it after hours. Don’t want that thought? It’s frighteningly simple to avoid: Stay out of your neighbour’s bed.
5. You’ll Likely Alienate Yourself
In wild apes, a male will often assert his claims over a female by breeding with her. However, unlike apes, human beings have some societal rules which dictate what is and what is not acceptable behaviour in neighbourhoods and groups. When you bed your neighbour and change up other existing neighbourhood friendships, you risk damaging (and even losing) those connections. If you’re the newcomer on the street, you also risk being unable to make connections because you’ll be seen as sort of cheating your way into the system. Neighbours form friendships by working together and supporting one another over time, but sex is often seen as a soft of ultimate gift, and by giving it so freely, some might feel as though you’ve fast-tracked your position on the road. Sure, you might fall into favours with the neighbour that you’re sleeping with, but you’ll likely fall out of favours with everyone else.
6. You Might Have To Fight Alone, Too
So everyone you know told you that bedding your neighbour was a bad idea, but guess what? You went and did it anyway. Suddenly, those who told you that it was a bad idea are tired of your sh*t and are giving you “told you so” eyes while the neighbours who you tried to convince otherwise are now right in their speculations. Suddenly, you knock on their door because it’s all gone wrong and now you could do with some sympathy? Ah ha, no. At best, you’re just not getting laid anymore and at worst, the whole road is about to be plastered in your sexy pics or they’re about to know how you can’t last five seconds unless you recite the national anthem. Hopefully, you’ll make some very tactical decisions and get out of this relatively unscathed. Good luck.
7. Worse Still, You Could End Up In Bed With An Abuser
At one time, I was nearly that girl. I say nearly, but really, it wasn’t very nearly at all. When I moved in, Mr X and I got along well. We’d often chat in the garden and sometimes we’d take tea breaks to sit under our gazebo and chat, too. Over time, doing what I do and being who I am, Mr X told me that I was a kind person and even asked if I had a twin sister who is single. I was touched, but I had to tell him no. Later on, Mr X said that if my husband and I were ever to split, I should keep our home, even though I told him that it wouldn’t work like that. A few months later, he had me giving a witness statement to say that his girlfriend abused him (she had) and rightfully so, she was prosecuted. What happened in the weeks after that, though? Suddenly, I’m not useful anymore and suddenly he became aggressive towards me to manipulate me to suit his needs. He does the good cop, bad cop routine with all women in his life, depending entirely on what his needs are at the time. Luckily, I’m a ferociously strong woman who doesn’t bed my neighbours, but what happens if you give in to their sweet words? It would be far, far too easy to fall into a potential cycle of abuse, manipulation and exploitation. Is that something you want to risk for just one night of passion? Make sure you only give your neighbour a cup of sugar and certainly not anything more.
8. You Might Just Be Stuck With A Bad Decision
So you did the dirty but now they’ve moved on and you want to move to get away from it all. Depending on who your landlord is, it might not be that easy. With our landlord, you can be evicted for anti-social behaviour, hate crimes, not paying your rent, letting your property fall into disrepair and more, but what’s not one of them? Yep, falling out of love with your neighbour. Oh sure, you could tell your landlord that they’ve been bullying you, but do you also want to have to tell them that you shagged your neighbour in the same month that you moved in, really? It’s a rock and a hard place, which sounds an awful lot like a euphemism for the sleazy sex that you’ve been getting. You know how to avoid that conversation, right? If the other seven reasons aren’t enough to convince you that you’re making a grave mistake, maybe number eight will be.
I hope to all things high and mighty that this post too will be nothing more than an entertaining read for you but if you ever need this advice, please, please, realise that reality is quite often nothing like the fantasy. Please save yourself from a whole bunch of grief and awkwardness and find someone not nearly so close to your home.7
Have you ever persued a relationship with your neighbour? Was it a good memory or something you’d rather forget? Why not share your stories in the comments?
Until next time,
Stay safe & have fun,
Helen xx
