Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.
Contains some strong language.
We didn’t play again last night. In fact, all things considered, last night was a competely normal night. with a caveat.
Unfortunately, like almost every other Friday – when this topic comes up – yesterday transcended into another argument. It could (and should) have been easy enough, but once again, our personal differences set us apart. On the grand scheme of things, then what was said was very small and insignificant. For me though, Matt’s choice of words were an explosive trigger.
“What do you want to do about tonight, love?”
To me, what I hear here is non-commitment. What I hear is a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of passion, a lack of interest. It makes me feel as though he doesn’t get anything from our session, but rather, he just goes through the motions for me. For me, then psychologically, that shit doesn’t work. If my partner isn’t into it, then I can’t be into it, either. I can’t be obeying, as the submissive partner, whilst simultaneously being pleased as the partner who is having things done for them that they enjoy. As a submissive, a huge swathe of my submission comes from doing things for my partner that they enjoy!
“What do you want? Matt challenged. Ahh yes, the billion dollar question.
“What do I want?” I replied, “I want someone who can take up the reins every once in a while, I want someone who can tell me to stand down when I’ve exhausted myself so much that I have tears in my eyes and my fingertips bleed. I want someone who can see my worth, can see my potential, and is proud of me. I want someone that I can look at, as an equal, who I know has my back as much as I have theirs. I want someone who can give me things to do for them, that they want done, so that I can I can demonstrate my love and commitment in some way that isn’t bathed in commercialised produce. Yes the kinky stuff is nice, but there’s a lot more to it than just that.”
Sometimes, no, for the longest time, I’d run scared as a submissive. I was terrified that I’d fall for someone who couldn’t handle me, who would try to shape me to become something that I didn’t want to be – compliant, brainwashed, non-questioning. I make good arguments, valid cases and great points sometimes – it’s just called having a brain. I have a heart and a giving nature, yes, but I wanted someone who would fall in love with my brain, someone who saw my passion and determination and somehow, pray tell, could even make it work for them.
“I need this” I said when I finally spoke, “hearts and roses and teddy bears and shit? That’s not me. If you want someone who’s just going to hold your hand and skip off to the cinema and want nothing kinky and rough in between, I am not it.”
“So what about us?” Matt asked.
“I don’t know” I whispered.
For a time, Matt left me along on the sofa and me being me, I fell asleep. My body has a reaction to stress, I just go into a deep sleep. There’s no forewarning, just sleep. I awoke to the sound of Matt returning to the room.
“I didn’t mean that…” I began, “there are workarounds.”
Polyamory. Polyamory was the workaround, but polyamory, too, was something that Matt was reluctant about. For Matt, he must be my one and only, the primary one, and my only sexual partner. He accepts Bill, but Bill and I are strictly non-sexual anyway. It’s not that it’s not there, it’s just that we both know the rules. Polyamory works great for some kinky people, I just didn’t see it working for me.
In the back of my mind, I was all too aware of the articles that I’d read, advising kinky people from dating non-kinky people. Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t believe that it’s entirely that simple. I believe that even otherwise vanilla couples can become kinky if they want to be, they just have to wade through the rougher patches and barrages of questions first.
“Can I ask, what do you get from BDSM?” I asked. I was surprised at myself. I don’t think I’d ever been so clear and confident in my saying of those four letters before. This blog really was changing me!
“I don’t get as much out of it as you do” Matt said. Oh shit.
“So you’re… more of a Service Top, then? I offered. He shot me a warning look.
“A Dominant” he affirmed.
“Service Tops dominate to please their submissive partners” I replied. It is what it is.
“That’s basically Topping from the Bottom?”
“That’s a matter of personal opinion. Not to everyone, it’s not” I smiled.
“So what do you get from it?” I prompted, “and what holds you back?”. Matt seemed to have more of an answer to the latter part than he did the former.
“I just don’t feel like I’m Dominant enough” he said, “I’m not shouty and mean like some Doms are”.
I had to contain myself for a moment. In a moment of seriousness, I found his answer absolutely adorable. Quite naive and perhaps somewhat ignorant too, but mostly utterly adorable.
“There’s no way to feel dominant, love” I said softly, “you don’t get up and feel Dominant. Being a Dominant is innate, it’s a part of who you are. If you asked a thousand Dominant men how they feel Dominant, not one of them could give you a straight-forward answer. There’s no textbook example, it’s about having confidence in who you are and your ability to lead. It’s about achieving mutually satisfying results without mashing your partner into a bloodied pulp.”
“Unless you’re both agreed to that sort of thing, of course” I added with a grin.
In and of himself, then Matt is naturally quite Dominant anyway. He has a cool, calm disposition, an air of authority and a level of patience that some would be jealous of. He has zero tolerance for abuse and mistreatment and won’t hesitate to deal his own justice to those who deserve it. He’s not a violent man, but he is incredibly tactical when he’s crossed. Like me, Matt also used the years of playground bullying to his advantage.
“Shouting… you know how I feel about shouting. Abusers shout, leaders don’t. I’ve always said that if you shout, you’ve lost control. You know that I don’t respect or obey people who shout.”
“I just don’t know what more I can do” I sighed as I flopped back onto the bed. “I buy you books, you never read them. I send you videos, you never watch them. I always said in relationships that I gave people three chances, and you? You’ve had an awful lot of chances.”
For all of my break-up-sounding talk, breaking up wouldn’t be that easy.. Despite this one core difference, Matt and I are compatible in a lot of other ways. We have a similar wit, a similar worldview, similar calm-but-assertive leadership styles We live life in the middle lane and appreciate the smaller things. We both understand disability and the grief and hardships that come with losing a parent at a young age. There were a lot of good points, but this was also something that I couldn’t live without. For me, the thought of giving it up and throwing out our gear was unpalpable – it’d be like losing an arm.
To his credit, Matt did start reading articles last night, though I did quietly cancel our session anyway simply by letting it go unnoticed. Matt’s all too good at running in hard and fast when he’s full of ideas, and although it’s kind of cute, it’s also not terribly beneficial. I hope, by giving him some time to do his on homework, he can find some things and ideas that work for him. I’ve told him now not to hang back, I’ve told him not to be intimated and I’ve told him that if it all goes wrong then at least I have my safeword. I trust Matt, and trustworthiness in and of itself is half of the makings of a real Dominant.