Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving sexual activity and consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.
Contains some strong language.
It was all goigng so well. I was unstoppable, a woman with self-restraint and self-control. I was my own boss, I thought, I made and played by my own rules.
Nope. Nope I am not. Nope. Nope, I do not. I am only ever in control for so long as my submission lets me be. One teeny, tiny little trigger in the right (wrong?) hands and I go tumbling back down.
This morning, I slumped against the door as I held onto the other end of the dog’s lead. Frankly, I wouldn’t have cared any less if he’d decided to piss on my shoe. I was far away, distant, only very vaguely aware of my surroundings. My eyes were sensitive to light and my ears were sensitive to sound. I was aware of my breathing – slow, relaxed, deep. My heart rate was a little quicker than normal, my breathing a little slower than normal, but neither of which caused me any concern for a change. For a moment, I imagined this might be how it felt to feel high. Frankly, I was high – I felt like I’d smoked the biggest, most bad-ass, max-strength doobie around, except that I hadn’t. This was, as I’d come to know it, purely subspace.
At least three times this morning, Matt asked me if I was okay. I napped on my desk and dozed off on the bed. Focus and effort evaded me, I was too far away for either though perhaps, a little better after some caffeine. Ahh, caffeine, who doesn’t love caffeine?
Maybe you’re wondering, what happened for me to get here. It must have been one hell of a aession, right?
Well actually, no, not really.
I mean, that’s not denying that some things may or may not have happened yesterday, but for the most part, they were nothing á la Fifty Shades. Not in their truest form, anyway. There was a bit of choking and I think a bit of hair pulling, but that was as far as it went.
The problem with antics in the evening is that our twenty minute recovery nap turned into a two-hour sleep. We slept until 10pm, and then I was awake until 4AM. Determined that I should probably at least try and get some more shut-eye before we got up for the day, I turned to YouTube for some ASMR.
If I can have a shrimp guy, then I can have a ‘tingle dealer’, too. Mine used to be Olivia Kissper, except she made a fundamental faux pas by drawing comparisons between being addicted to ASMR and being addicted to heroin. She wanted to move on from ASMR and I get that, but it was an exit that got her flamed on Youtube and saw her lose hundreds of subscribers. Lesson learned, don’t compare a natural, beneficial experience to a harmful illegal substance. The body produces ASMR, it does not produce heroin.
Once Olivia left, I turned to TingTing ASMR. Maybe it was her friendly, assuring nature, her gentle big sister vibe. I found her friendly-but-relaxing enough to send me off to sleep, or at least that was the case until TingTing too decided that she needed a break.
Most recently, my ‘tingle dealer’ has been Completely Casual ASMR, who is hugely underrated in my very personal opinion. He has a friendly tone, an effortless wit and a relaxed disposition – casual, if you will – and I needed to borderline bored in order to manage to get to sleep. Too many things to look at and do, and I stay awake and watch. Completely Casual ASMR would also be the first male to manage to make me sleep, though I don’t understand why. Maybe because it used to be my mother who used to read me bedtime stories, so I’m predisposed to find female voices more relaxing at bedtime? We don’t know enough about ASMR yet to really understand the what’s and why’s of how it works, it’s called a ‘phenomenon’ for a reason.
Completely Casual ASMR does do a lot of medical roleplays, but that’s not really why I’m here. On Youtube, I can take or leave medical roleplays. With the absence of touch, they’re unlikely to make me tingle and sometimes they’re even cringeworthy to watch. It takes a touch of creativity for me really to be interested in watching them, hence, Completely Casual’s vampire doctor videos seemed interesting enough for me to give it a watch. I knew that I liked something about Van Helsing even before I knew what BDSM or vampirism were, and now it makes sense, it all makes perfect sense.
Sometimes it seems, the cross over between ASMR and BDSM is more and more common. I have myself noticed a strong connection between ASMR, BDSM and being a Highly Sensitive Person, with a number of ASMR creators giving off hints and unintentional signals towards their potential after hours activities. By comparison, however, Completely Casual ASMR didn’t hold much back.
“Scream if you wish”, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so inviting and so sexy in my nigh on fifteen years!
In my past diary-like post Bat-Signal, I mentioned a ASMR creator and a pinwheel. Guess who? And guess who, in his most recent video, also brandishes a pinwheel? Completely Casual ASMR, it seems, has a bit of an addiction for the pinwheel and frankly, I can’t say as though I blame him.
As of late, I’ve been in what I guess I could call a bit of a “kink-drought”. Things just don’t work out, and so we don’t play as often as we used to. Sometimes it seems, I’m barely more than a hair’s breadth away from falling in. I thought I was in control, and yet all it really ever needed was someone to remind me of those things that I so crave, the things that make up a core part of who I am. A leopard and its spots, and all of that.
It was his talk of pleasure and pain in his most recent video, and our inability to distinguish between the two, that really had me. This is a a man who knows, who understands. He is a man who speaks my language.
You know, I should have been sleeping, but all of this poetic talk of indulgence and of heightened sensitivities had a girl all squirmy. It was almost as though Marquis himself was in my ear, and I was frankly all for it. I tried to rest, really I did, but my heart rate went up, my breathing went up and so too my body temperature soared…
Dang it, this isn’t sleep-inducing ASMR!
I did manage to get some more sleep, though I think that was more because my body lost in the fight between subspace and a comfortable bed. I definitely did relax to Completely Casual ASMR’s content, just not at all in the way that I had intended.