Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.
Contains some strong language.
Until recently, alpha submissives were a concept that flummoxed even me. Of course I’d heard of Dominants and submissives and sadists and masochists too, but what was an alpha submissive? Isn’t that just someone who thinks they’re above all of the rest?
For the past ten years, I have often identified as a brat. I liked to laugh and I liked to joke, but something in me didn’t sit quite right with the title. I wasn’t doing these things merely for punishment and I definitely did know better. I wanted to surrender, but I also struggled to lose control. I often questioned whether BDSM was even for me: why did I like the idea of submission, but struggled as much with submitting? Why did I want a Dominant, but wasn’t willing to give over or do certain things? Why did I want a collar, but then just as quickly took it of again? I had so many questions!
As a four-times carer, I’d always found myself in a position of trust and sometimes, even authority. I’d had to act decisively and I’d need to meet my relatives’ needs, there was never much time to stop and think about anything else. Suddenly, even if I’d fantasised about it, when I decided to try out submission for myself, I actually found it quite uncomfortable.
It’s taken me many years of trial and error to understand what I am, and even many more months of reading and talking. Today, I have compiled both new knowledge and my own experiences into something which I hope will help you.
What An Alpha Submissive Is Not…
The Pack Leader
Despite my initial reservations, an alpha submissive does not consider themselves above other submissives in any way. In this incidence, the term “alpha” reiterates to the submissive’s tendency to lead in other situations outside of BDSM. An alpha submissive may be a manager, a judge, a headteacher or another person in any position of authority. In BDSM, an alpha submissive sees and treats all other submissives as equals.
A Closeted Dominant
For a lot of people, a submissive wants to give up control and if they don’t, it might just be because they are Dominant. Alpha submissives are tired of hearing this, they are tired of hearing their submission questioned by misinformed folks who think that they know what is right for the individual. Alpha submissives may switch with others (or their Dominant) or they may not, but if they don’t then it’s because they are certain that it is not for them. If they don’t switch, please respect that. The Alpha submissive is not confused about who they are.
Alpha submissives are not resisting your control just to piss you off, in some cases, it’s because they really can’t give up control, or unfortunately, because the dynamic just isn’t working out for them. A lot of people have a sense of humour and an Alpha submissive often has one too, but it doesn’t mean that they’re a brat. If they appear to be struggling with their submission, it may just be because there is something deeper going on.
Well, hopefully not, but it’s worth a mention. Just as an alpha submissive doesn’t consider themselves the leader of the pack, they also don’t consider themselves the better than other submissives, instead, they just have different wants and needs. Many alpha submissives are genuine and humble people who are just as capable and worthy of love, they’re just sometimes a little harder to understand. ‘
An alpha submissive is not for you? That’s fine because the chances are good that you won’t be the Dominant for them anyway. Alpha submissives are very select in who they give their submission to and not just any Dominant will do. An alpha submissive does not compromise their integrity for the sake of a relationship. You can either love them as they are, or not at all.
What an Alpha Submissive Is…
You wanted someone who works hard and wants to please? Look no further than the alpha submissive. Alpha submissives put pride and passion into all that they do because they don’t know how to switch off from it. Anything that you ask them to do, your alpha submissive will give 110%.
Alpha submissives are sometimes high-ranking individuals in their day-to-day work and getting along with others may play a key part of their job role. If having someone who can mingle well with others matters to you, alpha submissives may be right for you. Keep in mind though that an alpha submissive may also have a cutting side when pressed. An alpha submissive will get along with your family and friends, but they won’t tolerate any bullshit.
Alpha submisives don’t just go with the flow, they’ll try and turn the whole world around if something is bothering them. From sex to music to cooking, an alpha submissive has passions in life, and they want to share them with you. If you want someone who will move heaven and earth for the one they love, look no further.
An alpha submissive knows their worth and they refuse to settle for anything less. They know their strengths and weaknesses, their capabilities and the areas they need to work on. An alpha submissive doesn’t seek validation or personal training. Instead, they bring their own gifts and qualities to the table and ask you whether you want them. An alpha submissive does not regard your refusal as a symbol of their worth. To them, it’s a simply a sign of incompatibility.
They’re a challenge, but the best things in life usually are. You want a submissive who wants to make you proud, and an alpha submissive wants to make you proud. Get to know them, understand them, find what works for you both. They’re feisty and tempestuous at times, but the scratches and bruises might just pay off in the long run.
Five Tips For Partnering With An Alpha Submissive
Have Patience (And Be Patient)
Sometimes, alpha submissives may not appear very submissive at all. They may appear guarded or stand-offish, and approaching them can be hard to do. Rather than tackling them head on as a submissive, strike up a conversation, befriend them and develop trust that way instead. Once trust is established, submission may happen more naturally.
Keep Communication Open
I promote communication so often on this blog, but I’m going to do it again anyway. An alpha submissive may struggle with their submission and they may want to talk from time to time. There will be days when they don’t feel very submissive at all and being able to talk and share those feelings will be of great help to them. Allowing them to check in and share their feelings with you may go a long way towards helping them drop into their submission later on.
You’ve approached your alpha submissive with a list of fifteen rules and now they’re asking about them. “Because I said so” may not work when it comes to alpha submissives, they want the real reason why. If you have a rule that will be beneficial for them or it will bring you pleasure, they’ll most likely accept it. If it’s because it’s a rule that you saw on Reddit and you liked it, prepare to find yourself laughed at. Alpha submissives don’t accept rules that don’t follow logic, so be prepared to scratch out a few. If you can’t or won’t, an alpha submissive may not be the right fit for you.
Even if alpha submissives can have a little more zeal than others, nobody deserves to be disrespected. Some rules are okay to compromise on, but make clear the absolute behaviours that you will not accept, whether it’s infidelity, substance misuse, foul language, topping from the bottom or anything else. Having rules in your dynamic is one thing, setting out the absolute no-no’s is quite another.
Embrace Their Individuality
An alpha submissive may be spunky (not in that way, but also maybe in that way), they may have atitude or they may be stubborn. Whatever it is, your alpha submissive will have as many qualities that make you head over heels as they have which drive you absolutely insane. Just like anybody else, alpha submissives are individuals with their own list of wants, needs, likes and characteristics, so please, treat them and spoil them that way.
I hope you found this post useful and informative. Are you an alpha submissive? Have you heard of alpha submissives before? Why not let us know in the comments?
Until next time,
Stay safe & have fun,
Helen & Matt xx