Taking a stand against my new laptop stand, and my reasons for doing so.
Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.
I hadn’t planned to write a post like this today, and yet, life has forced me to write one. Just sometimes, a problem shared really is a problem halved.
Or maybe it’s not a problem at all really, but anyway.
The past few days have been anything but easy. There’s been quite a lot of angst, a lot of confusion and a lot of hurt for all parties involved. Even if Will and I have never physically met, I think there is a connection there that wants to. In just a few short days, there is something that goes beyond the realm of this just being a casual online acquaintance to being something much deeper and more substantial. There is something there that, potentially, really has the ability to withstand the test of time – maturity, realism, and understanding. There has been no lying (or at least, so I believe). There have just been two people who have felt able to be true and relatable with one another. I know that Will is married and his wife doesn’t know about me yet, but I’ve also been told that that is not for me to concern myself with, and I respect that. I don’t condone it and Will knows that, but I respect it nonetheless. Right now, Will and I are not serious enough to be having lengthy conversations about polyphilia with our partners. We have yet to decide whether that is even something that we want.
The problem is that, even if Will is doing all he can not to drive a wedge between Matt and I, Matt has been rather anxious about it all anyway, and for its part, that is taking a toll on Will and myself. Will so desperately wants not to damage our marriage that he is even prepared to walk away because of it. The problem is that, even if breaking this off might be the best for the both of us, I also don’t believe that it is what either of us wants. Breaking it off might be best for our families, but this connection meets a deeper, hidden part of us both, a selfish need that isn’t currently being met, and we both know it. Ours wasn’t a crossing by intention, I believe that it was a crossing by fate. As I asserted to Will, we met on an app with a four-hour delay between our letters for crying out loud – there was absolutely no instant gratification there!
That this is hurting Will hurts me too, and it makes me mad at Matt because of it, which is unfair on him. We all have the right to feel, we all have the right to feel however we feel and we all have the right to do what we feel is right because of our feelings. Why is polyphilia so darn difficult?!
On Wednesday, I admitted to Will that my wrists had been aching from so much blogging. It wasn’t a complaint as such, just a fact. I’d already decided that blogging less would (or should) be how I go about remedying that.
Why don’t you get a laptop stand? I’d help but I can’t x
It was a good idea, undeniably. Why didn’t I have a laptop stand? Truthfully told, I just hadn’t thought about it. This is why we need other smart people with smart ideas in our lives sometimes – nobody can know everything. I also made a passing joke about not having a ‘donations’ button on my blog and about the modicum of control that it still gave me. I have my own money, if I think an idea is a good one, I will invest in it.
People just want to help.
Accepting help doesn’t make you weak, you know?
How the hell did this man just crack me like an egg? He hardly even knows me!
I browsed laptop stands briefly before sleep and put it aside as a to-do on Thursday. It was an idea to consider for sure, just not at three in the morning.
“Oh, and Will suggested that I get a laptop stand for my desk, because my wrists have been hurting.” It was so matter-of-fact, I might as well have been updating Matt on who else was attending the family dinner that afternoon.
“Hmm, that’s a good idea” Matt said, picking up his mobile phone. “But why didn’t you tell me that your wrists were hurting?”
Fuck. Why didn’t I tell him? I forgot? Well, that was the truth. It seemed so inconsequential, I just forgot. I’d already thought of my own remedy, I didn’t think I needed another one.
“Grey or silver?”
What? No! I’M buying it, ME! Nobody else!
“White, to match my desk”. It was indignant, and I was proud.
“You just had to be difficult, didn’t you?”. I grinned.
“If I’m going down, sweetheart, then I’m going down swinging.”
A lot has happened in the twenty-four hours since, and I know that the lot of us – myself included – don’t know how we can recover, or if we can, or will. There’s the pain of holding on and the pain of letting go. There’s a loss of some sort, whatever we decide.
This morning, the laptop stand and my new keyboard rocked up. I knew exactly what it was, I just wanted to pretend that I didn’t. If I didn’t know, then it couldn’t hurt me any more than I was already feeling inside.
“Two parcels for you there, love?” the Amazon delivery man said,
“Oh, thank you” I replied. Both boxes had Matt’s name on them, so he could deal with them, not me. I tossed both boxes onto the bed for Matt and quickly closed the bedroom door. Out of sight, out of mind, I didn’t need to think about those right now.
“These are for you” Matt said, placing the boxed keyboard and mouse set and stand on the sofa. Right now, they are still there.
“Well send them back, I don’t want them” I asserted. If this is the end, then I didn’t want to be reminded each time I look at my desk. I’d already threatened to Olio them, purely because he hadn’t let me make a purchase with my money. Apparently, disappearing them will have serious consequences.
“They are to help you”. I sighed and jutted out my chin, They’ll help me if and when I ever feel ready to accept them, but not unless and not until then.