Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.
Maybe there really is a hidden submissive in me, after all.
I thought that I was done with blogging for today, but apparently, I was not. I thought that I wouldn’t have anything else to write but apparently that was wrong, too.
I’d always balked at the idea of training as a submissive, and I’d always rejected the idea of being trained. I am a strong, confident, capable woman, I make my own rules and I march to my own beat in life. Sure, I liked the idea of submission, but not enough to negotiate my terms. Not enough, at least, until now.
Not until I met Him.
No, not Him. The other Him.
I’d met many Dominants in my time, some of them were good, and others less so. Many of them turned me away, I was stubborn, tenacious, sarcastic, a bit too cuddly, flat-chested or in some other way not quite aesthetically pleasing enough to be their chosen submissive. The first few times, it hurt immensely but after that, I shrugged them off and I moved on. The right one, I decided, would love me as I am.
When I met him, Matt wasn’t into BDSM at all. He later agreed to try it if it meant keeping me, but for the most part, he wasn’t into it. It frustrated me when he didn’t read the books that I’d bought for him and he didn’t watch the videos that I sent him, either. Eventually I accepted it: He’s just not that into kink.
But I am, and herein lies the issue.
Matt tried to set rules, and for a time, I also tried to follow them. As happens when you’re dynamic has weak spots though, I eventually started to test things out.
What happens if I do stay up past 2AM?
What happens if I do eat more than six biscuits in a day?
My husband then, I realised, was a bit of a paper tiger.
I still loved him as my husband, but I’d stopped respecting him as my Dominant. I gave him choices out of love, rather than as his submissive. Maybe I was still trying, but as was to be the case, I was left feeling a bit disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm for the lifestyle. These choices just didn’t have the same significance for him that they had for me, and it was a bit depressing.
“What time did you come to bed this morning?”
I shrugged, I was just getting comfortable when your alarm went off.
“Late enough” I replied. It’s all my rules these days.
The only rule that I’ve never tested out was the one about not touching our toys without his permission. His toys, I was told, even if I’d bought them. Sometimes I was tempted, if only it provoked play. Sometimes it felt worth it, though something also told me that it wouldn’t be nearly as hot or as interesting as Anastasia Steele had made it look. It might just not be that interesting, after all.
The one thing that I’d always said was that, if something ever did happen to us, then I wouldn’t carry all of the toys that I’d purchased into my next relationship. The past is the past, and I’ve always been resolute about that. If we broke up, then the past goes with us. The one thing that I’d never considered, though, was taking all of those toys into a whole new, polyamorous relationship. Wouldn’t that be an interesting turn of events?
I thought we’d already said we’re more than friends? xx
That’s that settled then. What is it with my boys and ambiguity? Hopeless!
What I had discovered though, is not to fuck around with Will.
This afternoon, I rolled my eyes at him, and I learned very quickly not to.
Don’t do that xx
To be fair, that’s also probably the last time that I rolled my eyes at him. Or at least the second-to-last time, anyway.
“If you roll your eyes at me, I will roll them back.”
So how will this all go from here? Well, naturally, nobody really knows. After all of that, it turns out that there really is a Dominant who wants me, and moreover, maybe I really can be trained.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves quite yet.