12th August 2021 – An Open Book

Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.

How much open communication is too open?

I hated on the TV this morning. It hadn’t done anything wrong and it certainly had every right to exist, it was just in my old thinking space and I wanted my thinking space back. I wanted that space that I’d so loved before, by the lounge window where I could stare out onto garden, sip my tea and put all of my thoughts into order.

Yesterday, I noticed that I’d lost a follower. Now I know that a lot of bloggers say that follower counts don’t really matter and my uptick on my views-per-visitor should matter more, but for an overthinker like I am, then follower counts still matter. In fact, they matter a lot.

What did I do?

What did I post that they didn’t like to read?

Am I *gasp* oversharing?

I’ve always been honest and open on my blog, or at least I have to a point. Even if I am a fairly open person, I do still have my standards. Nudes? Not a chance. A blow-by-blow account of my love life or the last time I took a shit? I’m not important enough for that. Everyone has their standards of comfort for sharing, and these are mine: Enough open communication for you to know that I’m real, enough experience for you to know that I know what I’m talking about, a handful of helpful resources and maybe a little something extra to whet the appetite here and there. That’s it, that’s all you need to read. Maybe it is a little tactless to some, but whatever, this is my blog and I want you to feel like we know one another, one-to-one. It’s part of My Mission.

But that still doesn’t keep me from questioning what I do, and it certainly doesn’t keep me from worrying. It turns out, even some of the most confident people out there have their off days!

The past few days have been intense, an emotional rollercoaster, to put it mildly. There’s been that craziness of maybe falling in love again, the craziness of “maybe” itself, the realisation of presently being another man’s little secret, the reality that he may disappear on a whim, the determination not to get too close just yet and the struggle to make that a reality. There’s the curiosity of him, the struggle with the newness and unfamiliarity of potentially-real polyamory (the last “potential” was in Australia!) and the determination to do it “right”. There’s the realisation that I may have screwed up here and there (hey, I’m human, What human isn’t prone to screwing up from time to time?!) and the anxiety that comes with potentially submitting to two very intense men. Oh, and coupled along with what I personally want in my relationships, what my new submission could look like, how I want it to look and how it feels for me. Eesh, no wonder I wanted a little time for myself!

One of the things that I’d tried to do was to be a little more attentive to Bill. I hadn’t been meaning to ignore him, as I said a few days ago, but I’d been all caught up in newness and excitement and I’d been unintentionally doing it anyway. Once I realised, I opted for paying him a little more attention than I had been, without going overboard. My realization doesn’t have to be our reality, after all.

Just mowed the lawn.

Come do mine? 😛

I thought you kept yours trimmed? 😀

Always open to volunteers 😛

And that, ladies, is how you give a man pause for thought!

Just because the connection isn’t quite as strong with Bill, doesn’t mean that it’s not there. Bill and I don’t talk all day every (or most) days like I do with the other two, and that’s okay. He still makes me grin and laugh like an idiot and we still have chemistry when we do talk, that’s the main thing. Bill also introduced me to Four King Maps last night, the UK-only naughty adult twist on the address-finding app, What3Words. Sorry, my British friends, you can’t have either address, no matter how nicely you ask!

But as much as open communication is something that I have and I encourage, openness was also a bit of a stumbling block in recent days.

Will and I have somewhat different ideas of open communication, and that’s okay, I don’t have a right to know everything and I don’t have a need to know, either. What I do have, though, is a need to be there for my partners, and that means that if you’re going through some shit, you come find me and you let me help. I don’t care what it is, I’m an empath, we were put on this planet to understand people, to empathise with them and support them through life, regardless. When we can’t be there for the ones we love, it hurts us deep inside and it leaves us feeling a bit distant and confused. I didn’t say anything at the time, I mean, we still hardly know one another – he’s well within his rights to tell me to butt out if he wants to!

In my marriage and more or less from day dot, Matt and I have always had almost full transparency with one another, so openness with my partner is something that I’m more than used to. There are still some things we don’t discuss (body functions being the main one) but besides that? Pretty much anything goes: Work stresses, family issues, annoying friends, relationships and yes, even exes. Pardon me for bragging for a moment, but I believe that the next-level communication that we have with one another has made this thirteen-year relationship work and allowed us to come from a place of comfort and security whereby we actually could consider making our marriage an open one. Once Matt understood that I wasn’t replacing him and that Will has a lot of similar qualities to him (because I seem to have a taste for sarcastic, geeky, bearded, whiskey-loving gentlemen, for some reason), he was visibly more relaxed and perhaps even open to the idea. It’s also allowed us to explore things in the bedroom that leave our bed perhaps making more noise than it used to, but that’s a whole other story!

Last night, I could feel that something wasn’t sitting quite right with me. I knew I’d not long eaten, but this felt different to indigestion, it felt deeper, higher. This wasn’t food, I realised, this was anxiety, I was restless and couldn’t get comfortable enough for sleep. I knew then that my gut was trying to tell me something: Step away.

I’m not saying that it’s off of course, but yesterday definitely calmed me down. I think Will and I have a good connection anyway, but overcoming our differences on open communication insofar as having a lasting relationship could prove to be a much harder pill to swallow. Will that runaway train arrive safely in at the station or will it go crashing into a field? Only time will tell.

I think for me, one of the hardest parts right now is the reality of it all. I mean not that reality, but my reality. Why me? Why would one man want me? Why would two men, or even a few men want me? I just don’t know and that’s causing me some anxiety in itself. You see to me, I’m not actually an attractive person.

I mean I’m okay, I don’t think I’m ugly or anything, but attractive? How? Why? In what way?

It turns out, it’s actually a pretty common thing, so those who want to bollock me for it can’t bollock me anyway. Those of us who think we’re attractive are typically perceived as being less attractive, whilst those of us who think we’re unattractive are typically perceived as being more attractive than we thought! Isn’t psychology a funny thing?!

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