Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.
It takes more than just roles to make a heavenly D/s match.
At first, I was tempted to call this post “Try” after the conversation that Will and I had last night, but alas, instead I settled on credence to the song that I was listening to when I started this post, and perhaps even felt fitting for the occasion. Last night, there were no promises or guarantees for our future, but we would both try to make it work. Will agreed to try and open up more to me, and in return, I would try and be more patient with him. It was exactly the kind of conversation that you’d expect of two people who are committed to trying to make a relationship work, who have never met before and were now intently hashing out their differences via Kik.
In the few days since trying to make this “us” work, I’ve cried a lot. Heck, I’ve been a comparative emotional wreck. I don’t think I’ve cried this much maybe since my Dad passed, only it’s… what?
Not grief, but maybe confusion.
If two people could ever be so alike, then that’s exactly what Will and I are. We talk and agree on so many things, from dark humour to life and even big-stick diplomacy. Conversation flows, it’s natural and completely unenforced.
But as natural as that conversation is, there’s also a caveat.
Will and I are both leaders, and we have a natural tendency to vie for control. We both come from a place of strength-through-weakness, and when that happens, neither party wants to back down. Even if my position of power came in quite a bit younger in life than it did for Will, it’s still there, and I don’t know that I’d do so well out of that control. For me, I think losing some agency in my life outside of the bedroom could wind up making me feel rather unwell.
Maybe, even if I can’t hide the fact that it’s certainly somewhat tempting.
Outside of the bedroom, I am anything but submissive, and yet within it, I’ll happily roll over for my belly rubbed. Outside of the bedroom, I pay my way on dates and I don’t readily accept lifts. You also can’t spoil me beyond a drink or maybe popcorn for a movie, I’m just not that way inclined. I come from a place of hardship in life and a place of being almost ignored. For me, the greatest thing that you can give me is your attention and your time. Truthfully, just your undivided attention actually makes me quite emotional – I’ve not really had that much before.
“I couldn’t date me, I’d do my own nut in” I said sardonically. I know I could, I’m frustrating and stubborn and often rigid in my views. If I want something, I will go after it, and I can be hellbent when I do. I also know that I talk far too much for some.
“You? They should call you bloody ‘Bulldog’, girl. Jesus Christ, when you want something, it’s like you lock your jaw on and you don’t let it go ’til you’re ready.”
Ladies and gentlemen, that was my mother on me.
Ironically enough, it was my mother who taught me the art of writing an assertive letter, and it was my father who taught me how to read people and how to understand them. Put those together and yes, I am a force not to be reckoned with. I walk into meeting rooms, and I own them. I write letters, and I get fast responses. I don’t shout and scream and curse and swear or block roads up until I get out what I want, I act with precision and I get shit done.
But back to Will here.
Will likes me. You know that thing when a guy likes a girl and it’s supposed to be all hearts and flowers and happy ever after after? That, but there’s a catch.
You see, nobody has ever liked me before, not ‘liked’ me in that regard anyway – and for me, not just for sex. I was always the “I like you as a friend” girl, the “no” girl, or even the casual shag. Until now, nobody has ever wanted me. Not right off the bat, anyway.
So at thirty-two years of age, that left me with one question – why?
Why would anyone want a short, dumpy, quirky disabled girl with absolutely no fashion sense at all?
Oh boy did I get my ass handed to me for that one.
Neither Sir #1 nor Sir #2 will have me talk about myself like that, and I learned that the hard way. Apparently, such a negative view of myself is absolutely not allowed.
I didn’t believe it, but okay, apparently I’m wanted. Herein though lies the problem:
Right now, I’m facing a new kind of stress, the stress of (maybe) falling in love, any maybe polyamory. I’ve professed my feelings for someone before and when they aren’t reciprocated, you pick your stuff up and you move on.
But this is the other way around, this is someone who likes me, someone extra, and who I do and don’t like back. Right now, that ‘fight or flight’ reflex in me is strong. This is all a bit too much.
You see, outside of Kinky Fuckery Fridays and the quasi-day-to-day dynamic that I have with Matt, I’ve never had a proper Dominant before – not one with outside-of-the-bedroom rules anyway, or one who is interested in BDSM for him. I’ve also only been the partner who initiates an interest in BDSM activities, not the one who has their partners interests handed on to me. Despite my near-fifteen years on the BDSM scene, this is all a bit new, even for me.
“You… I like you, you’re my pizza-and-movie bitch. You’re like an old teddy bear or a snuggly blanket, you’re comfortable and you’re familiar” I muttered as held Matt close. I’m sure there was a romantic sentiment in there somewhere.
“Oh gee, thanks” Matt grinned, “do you want to put me under the bed with all of the other WereBears as well? Never to be seen again?”. I cocked my head slightly and glowered at him for his crimes. Romance no more.
For me right now, I swing between two feelings that I’ve dubbed “a strong yes” and “a possible no”, with not much ground between the two. There’s the care that I get from Will and for that I am grateful, but something holds me off, something, perhaps, emotional. I think we would have fun together, but I also need a strong emotional connection with my Dominants before I can fully submit to them, maybe even much more than I’d ever realised before. I need to be able to be real and vulnerable with them, and at all times, not just when it suits. Right now, perhaps, I feel as though we’re not quite there, or perhaps Will isn’t quite as informed or as experienced as my needs maybe require. I give my heart – my raw, dusty, broken heart – to my Dominant when I submit, but I also need to feel as though I can fully trust them with it first.
Ooh my body is saying let’s go
Ooh, but my heart is saying no