15th August 2021 – Serendipity In Reverse

Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.

Serendipity doesn’t guarantee a happy ending.

If you’d noticed that I hadn’t written anything yesterday, then I’m sorry. In truth, I didn’t feel like writing much at the time. Also in truth, I don’t feel like writing much this evening, either.

Last night was a highly emotional evening for me. As Will and I talked, we admitted our feelings and concerns for one another. We admitted truths and we hashed out our problems. I admitted to Will that sometimes his jokes hurt me, and he apologised. We had the kind of sensitive, thoughtful and considerate conversation that lovers have – that lovers need to have.

Did I ever tell you why I decided to write to you? xx

It turns out that, as a married woman, then Will thought that I wouldn’t be interested in him. Will also thought that he could just maybe ask me, a woman, for some writing tips for other women. It also turns out that Will wrong – I was interested, maybe even too interested! Far from wanting to provide him with writing tips, I envisioned writing with him, from our own home-office overlooking the trees and the garden. I’d also openly criticised love stories on Slowly and here I was, falling in love with a man I’d met through the app. It was the kind of happy-couple intro you’d only ever hear on Don’t Tell The Bride.

Yesterday morning descended into an argument with Matt, and this morning, another one. Yesterday was triggered by the idea of sexting – a seemingly small, creative precursor to a hopefully polyamorous relationship with Will. Even if Matt eventually agreed, there was also a condition – Will had to talk to his wife about us first.

Something Will felt that he couldn’t do.

Initially, I was angry at Will, and empathy was not something that I’d truly felt inside. The coward! How could he?! After I’d had such hard talks for him?!

I wanted to hurt Will, but I also understood it. After all, no two relationships are exactly alike. Even if I could talk to Matt, I couldn’t say that the same was true for Will.

I cried a lot last night, and I pushed Matt away too, I know I did, and it wasn’t something that I intended to do. He’s important too, I just felt highly sensitive and emotional and wanted to be left alone.

If I find out that you’re all servers and wires, I’m going to be real sad xx

Flesh and blood me xx Warts and all xx

Oh my god, he’s really real!

Will wanted to ‘spoon’ with me last night, and it was something that I agreed to, from a distance. It’s not something that I’d normally agree to through online relationships, I just wanted to feel safe.

Needed to feel safe.

I did feel safe.

And I slept sound.

This morning I woke feeling cold, confused and numb. My stomach still felt knotted and I had the migraine headache from hell. Today was day two of these yucky feelings, I realised, but still – there’s never rainbows without the rain.

Like your heart is filling and breaking? Like Serendipity in reverse? xx

I’d never seen Serendipity before, but I knew exactly what Will was getting at. This was love, but it wasn’t love without heartbreak. We’re both married, but married to other people, and with children involved – Serendipity in reverse.

Why didn’t you ever tell me that open relationships weren’t easy?

That was my question to my mother this afternoon. Well, why didn’t she? Why did I think that loving two men was all happiness and rainbows, and why did she make it look that way? Why didn’t I know about all of the yucky bits involved?

Mum, for all of her flaws and misfortunes, talked and resonated with me. Kink was like a pony, she said – you really want it, but you weren’t meant to have it like you want, and once you realise that, you learn to be happier with what you’ve got.

In many ways, Will ticked many of my ‘kinky needs’ boxes, and maybe some of my humour and romance boxes, too. Outside of that though, what really was there? Wouldn’t we need something… you know, more?

I’d envisioned Will and I working on the blog together, and I’d imagined us sipping tea and coffee in a little cafe in Cornwall, too. It wasn’t instead of Matt, I did realise, it’s just that that was part of our relationship. I wasn’t even sure if it was meant to be happy ever after, I just knew that, maybe, there was supposed to be something there.

Does he have any children?

Yes

I won’t say what, or how many, that’s a secret that I promised I’d keep between Will and myself. They are beautiful, but that’s my final word, Girl Guide’s honour.

OMG, I’d be running

Yes, maybe, but running is the very last thing that I wanted to do.

Helen this is a very dangerous situation that could hurt a lot of people, especially his children.

I know. “I know” was about all that I could bring myself to say at the time.

I know about them. You don’t think that I feel bad?

I love him, but I can’t have him, and that hurts xxxx

In the end, I chose the coward’s way out and, while the radio waves were quiet, I blocked Will. I hated doing it and I wished that we could have talked first, but talking, I figured, would only hurt us both more. Ripping off the bandaid quickly, I decided, would ultimately be the kindest choice. With one last long look at his display picture, I did what I needed to do and I set him free, I set myself free. I set us all free.

Goodbye, Will. Never forget that I love you.

I wept away the tears and closed my eyes for a moment of respite. As I did, I saw them, swirls of them – the stars, the Milky Way, the galaxies and the space dust, all slipping away, all slipping away from me.

So this is it – no science museums, no collaring ceremonies, no stargazing or little black thongs. It’s back to normal for me, back to cleaning and blogging and the life that I led before. In spite of everything, maybe Will was just meant to be my soulmate, that person to remind me that I should indeed put myself first and nothing more. Maybe he was only meant to be in my life for a short time, just long enough to give me the wake-up call that I needed, and then leave.

Maybe all there will be is popcorn and TV and more “crock-of-shit” romance movies that I don’t really believe in anymore.

Or maybe, just maybe, there’ll be serendipity, after all.

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