16th August 2021 – Selfish

Disclaimer: Although nothing in this post is sexual, it contains details of my life, banter and conversations that happen within a self-described 24/7 D/s dynamic and is aimed at normalising and providing acceptance of those of us who choose to live this way. For further reading on my decision not to provide an adult content disclaimer on my non-sexual posts, please see my post “LGBTQ+K: A Case For “Kinky” As A Sexuality“. Thank you.

We all need to be a little bit selfish sometimes.

I sat down to dinner last night, feeling rather despondent. My evening felt much quieter without Will, in fact, my whole life did. I had nobody else to talk to, nobody else to laugh with and Matt, I was sure sometimes, just wanted me to be doing other things. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, it’s just that even he could use a break.

Over dinner, we talked more about the situation, we talked about polyamory and what could have been. “If only” came up quite a bit – if only conversations were had, things could have been oh so different.

“I have a question for you, why are some people in polyamory called ‘unicorns’?” Matt asked.

“They’re the third party to join an open couple for sex, maybe more. They’re kind of magical” I shrugged.

“They’re kind of magical,” Matt laughed, mimicking my nonchalance, “right. No further questions, your honour.”

To be honest, it was the first time all evening that I’d laughed again, really laughed again, and out loud. I’d been so side-tracked by Will that forgotten why I’d fallen in love with this man, and yet here was a reason, right in front of me – because he’s fucking funny.

Matt and I have always shared a sense of humour that combines darkness and realism. Life happens, you laugh or you cry – I’d also liked that about Will.

After dinner, I dared to take a glance at my phone. I expected some kind of reaction, some kind of backlash for the behaviour that I had shown. I’d been a coward and I knew it and now it was time to face up to my actions. I had two notifications – a Signal message from Bill, who was hellbent on triggering something in me using a few choice words, and a WordPress notification. Oh?

Taffy32k liked your post.

Taffy32k, my heart sank. I knew that username from days gone by.

Taffy32k is Will.

“Well, Will’s read it” I said grimly, “he liked my post, Serendipity In Reverse.”

Another peek a short while later and there it was – the email.

Let it go, Will.

I knew that serendipity – whatever it was – fate would find its way. Be us lovers or friends or soulmates or more, fate had had its way.

Most of what Will had to say was empathic, heartbroken but also understanding. It was hard reading, just as any break-up between two two people could be. Neither of us wanted it to be the end, it just sort of had to be. Will even admitted that he had been a coward, and I admired him for that. It takes balls to admit to your own shortcomings – big, manly balls.

“I just wish he’d have talked to his wife!” I said again out of frustration. That was the truth. – no secrets, no sneaking around, no nothing. At the very least, we could have met for coffee and remained as good friends without ever looking like the bad guys. Even if we are just meant to be friends, at least everyone would have known.

I allowed myself to chew it over for a while, falling back into my analytical self once again. There had to be something, I was decided. A way? Something that would fulfil us both.

The first thing I realised was that I needed to let go of the idea of a happy ever after, because maybe that just wasn’t meant to be. You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean that you’re meant to be with them, romantically. That, maybe, was what my gut had always tried to tell me: This might not be romance, this might just be empathy.

If there was one thing WIll had always taught me, it was to put myself first sometimes. Fuck what anyone else thinks, what do I want? What do I need? Me. Be a bit selfish here!

To serve Him, and to work with Him.

It was far from perfect I realised, but then, solutions to life’s problems usually are. If I was going to jump into this, then I had to jump in knowing full well what I was doing, what the risks were (even if I’ve long been absolved of any blame) and how it would seem – everything,

I need to be selfish sometimes xx

That was a pledge that I’d made to Will. I needed to do this for me. I needed him to whoop my butt just like he had been. My relationship with my husband is great, but he, I realised, cannot also be my Dominant. We tried, it didn’t really work. Sadly, it’s not a uncommon problem.

Along with the turmoil of yesterday came learning that my husband isn’t really into BDSM as much as I first thought. Into it, yes, but ‘maybe just more in the bedroom’, and that’s okay. The problem is, where does that leave me? Without someone to call me on my shit, I neglect myself and put others before me. I’m terrible for it! A chink in my armour etc..

I need to be selfish sometimes.

So I emailed Will back, and I laid out my T’s & C’s.

A return to the status quo, with giving sexting a go, too boot. Not ideal I realise, but better than nothing at all.

Something for him, and something for me. The art of a good deal.

Secondly, I wanted him writing with me on this creative pursuit. I’ve read some of his stories and they are absolutely brilliant, a wonderful, heady combination of descriptive romance and eroticism – exactly the kind of thing that I would love to feature on this blog!

So, here we are. Yes, Matt knows about this little arrangement, and no, of course Will’s wife doesn’t. Nobody is entirely happy,, but sometimes you have to do what’s right for you, what makes you happy, and what makes your life a little bit better. Sometimes, no matter how guilty you may feel, sometimes you just have to be a little bit selfish, in the end.

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