Ten Reasons I Stopped Attending BDSM Parties

Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving sexual activity and consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.

BDSM parties aren’t for everyone, here’s why I stopped going.

In a previous post, I shared with you what it was like to attend a BDSM party for the first time. Today, after nearly fifteen years on the BDSM scene, it’d be fair to assume that I was probably a regular kink party-goer by now, yet nothing could be farther from the truth. In this post, I will share with you some of the things that put me off of attending, as well as some of the ideas that you might like to consider instead.

1. Kinky Parties Are Very Cliquey

Before attending my first event I was steadfastly warned that kinky parties tend to form cliquey groups, and here I am, telling you exactly the same thing – if you thought you could just walk in, make friends and maybe find someone to play with, you’re in for quite a surprise. If you’re in at these events then you[‘re in, but if you’re new or an infrequent attender. then you’re out. You might get conversation with the odd one or two individuals if you’re lucky, but if you’re not a regular social butterfly, don’t expect a seat in with the larger huddles.

2. Most BDSM Parties Have A Strict Dress Code

Thought you could take a leaf out from Christian Grey’s book? Surprise! Many BDSM parties do not allow the wearing of casual clothing, such as jeans. At most venues, you will be required to wear evening attire, fetish clothing, costume (maid, nurse, police officer etc) or at minimum, smart black. Trainers and sports shoes are also out.

3. A Lot Of People Have High Hopes & Expectations

When you go on Tinder, you’re up against that hot, fit guy or girl, right? Nobody takes the time to get to know you. Meanwhile, that piece of eye candy that you envy has a different date lined up for every day this week – how is that even fair?! Unfortunately at BDSM parties, much is kind of the same – submissives are looking for that hot, strict muscly Dominant (or busty young Dominatrix), and Dominants are looking for that pretty, demure submissive. I have personally had to sit and listen to Dominants say that they “don’t have time for a brat”, and that really hurts, because as a brat, it’s like you don’t want my sense of humour! A lot of people at these events are looking for that Perfect Ten, and if that ain’t you, well…

4. You Might Need To Provide Personal Details To Get In

Scary stuff, huh? Imagine telling your chosen kinky bar your real name or even your address. Suddenly, Mr Spankster doesn’t cut it, and Peter Smith has to provide verifiable identification that he is who he says he is. BDSM parties have been the victim of many an exposé, so the best way to weed out the mole is to have some true ID on everyone. Some clubs take this very seriously, and if you flags up on a search as fake name or member of the press, you won’t be getting in. Still though, for some people, just the very idea of this formality alone is more than enough to put them off.

5. BDSM Parties Are Not Your Sensual Sex Dungeon

If you thought these events would be a quiet, erotic place with candles and sensual music, you could be in for a wake-up call. The dungeon areas are usually full of different pieces of equipment, and moreover, there are also different bodies in there, too. The dungeon is not your private play space, there will be other people who also turn up to “play” at the same time. This means that you might look up and make full eye contact with a older gentleman in the midst of receiving a spanking, or you might see an unintentional naked body or three. The advantages of playing at home or in a private rental space is that the space is yours and in it, the only bodies you’ll see are your own.

6. Some BDSM Parties Have Lots Of Rules

Look, I won’t lie to you and tell you that these events aren’t fun, because they can be, but some of these events also have an awful lot of rules. At the one I used to attend, rules included: No wax play, no ice play, non edge play, no genital contact (of any kind!), no needles, no scat or watersports, and there were more. While a lot of these rules probably make sense, they do limit exactly what you can do in your scenes. Hey, what ever is wrong with a little wax play from time to time?!

7. Not All Dungeon Masters Are Created Equal

Oh brother, let me just be honest and tell you that when I wrote this point down, there was one particular woman who came to mind. Now, I can be a bit rude (I unabashedly roll my eyes!), but she took rude to a whole new level! One of the rules in the dungeon areas was that you don’t talk above a whisper (it keeps your voice from disrupting somebody else’s scene) and she was always strict on enforcing it – but then you’d hear her laughing and shouting to someone on the other side of the room! Some of the Dungeon Masters (think mentors for BDSM parties) are really cool, but some will totally abuse their kinky powers!

8. Sex Positive Doesn’t Guarantee An Orgy!

Some BDSM parties allow sex and sexual contact, and other events do not. Whilst some do though, it’d really important to understand that they too have strict rules. Unfortunately, some people seem to attend a BDSM party and see it as a chance to have hot, kinky sex with multiple partners in one night, and while that can certainly happen, it is far from a guarantee! Some sex-positive venues require recent STI screening (as well as ID), so at least initially, it’s far from the wild night that you dreamed of. Safe sex is also a thing here, and some places enforce the use of condoms.

9. You Can’t Control The Music

Ask two kinky people what music they prefer in the background while they engage in BDSM activities, and you’re almost guaranteed two very different answers. While some might prefer heavy metal or grunge, others, (like myself) prefer classical music, or even complete silence! Unfortunately at BDSM parties, you don’t get that option, it’s whatever the Dungeon Master decides to play. Sometimes, just the wrong taste in music can be enough to ruin your kinky play.

10. There’s Little Room For Aftercare

While many events make some provisions for aftercare, the reality is that many places to not If, like me, you like to blow out the candles and go to sleep, that just won’t be possible at a BDSM party. You might need to drive home, or many there’s just nowhere for you to sleep. A lot of places have water and snacks, but you may still find it really awkward to be all snuggly in a post-kink glow, in front of a crowd of strangers. Whatever it is, you need to be really, really aware that your options for aftercare can be incredibly limited at a BDSM party. Just when you thought limited aftercare was bad, be aware that you probably be expected to wipe down the equipment after use, too.

Seven Alternatives To BDSM Parties

Maybe these ten points do sound intimidating, but have you considered these other ideas?

1. Go Anyway

Look, the truth is, these are my ten reasons for not attending, but none of these need to put you off. Your Miles May Very, as it were, so go and have fun!

2. Attend A Munch

Put off by the idea of kinky play and sex? Then try something a little (okay, a lot) more casual. Munches are gatherings of like-minded people and are absolutely perfect for newcomers. There’s no kinky play, no costumes and no sex, just kinky people sat around, chatting and talking about life.

3. Play At Home

Look, I know it’s not the dungeon you always dreamed of, but if you can have even a little bit of kinky play at home, why not go for it?! Is there a time when the kids are at school (or with a relative), do you and your bae finish at an earlier time one week? Could you swap that St Andrews Cross for an under-the-mattress restraint system? Trust me, a little creativity can go a long way!

4. Meet One-To-One

Are crowded settings too scary for you? How about grabbing a coffee with a new kinky friend instead? Sort of your own mini-munch, of you will! Agree to meet somewhere public and safe (think how you would meet any new friend for the first time!) and have fun. I’ve met plenty of people this way, and some of them were really great!

5. Book A Hotel Room

I know, it’s an old cliché, but if you’ve found somebody that you want to play with, hotels are kind of a popular option. Obviously, they aren’t meant for this, but if you need to use them, then they’re there. Just make sure that you’ve been chatting a while and you’ve covered all of your basics first!

6.Meet (And Play) Online

Especially with Coronavirus pandemic, meeting others and playing online has never made more sense. With options like task list apps and wifi sex toys, there is all kinds of fun to be had!

7. Book A BDSM Dungeon

Money not an issue? Why not consider hiring private use of a BDSM dungeon near you? They don’t come cheap, but some can be booked overnight or for a weekend, giving you the private space and tools to play, and somewhere to sleep afterwards!

That’s it from me! Do you attend your local BDSM events, or not? Have you ever been or would you be tempted to try? Let me know in the comments!

Until next time,

Stay safe and have fun,

Helen xx

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