What’s Up, WordPress?: 05/09/2021 – Love, Life & Loss

Sharing some of the moments of love, life and loss from this past week.

Good evening Twisties,

I decided to bring back my “What’s Up, WordPress?” posts as a sort of alternative to my “My Daily Life” posts. I love sharing my goings on with you, but really, so much of my time gets taken up with working and writing on my blog. I want to keep sharing with you, but maybe the best way for me is to just write once a week, on a Sunday, when things are much calmer for me. So without ay further ado, please allow me to share with you my news for this week.

On Loss…

As mentioned at the beginning of my last post, I lost my Aunt Gil on Thursday morning. I’m definitely not jumping for joy, but I’m far from breaking my heart out, either. Aunt Gil always had an attitude towards me, a feeling that I was somehow lesser than she was. She had a motorhome on the drive and I was always to be privileged to even be allowed to sit in it. Aunt Gil always took to me with a tone of pity, a sorrow that my parents could never afford to buy a motorhome and take me on regular road trips to southern France. I had to make do with trips to Butlins and I had to make do with the food that was served there. In my younger years, I used to receive postcards from Aunt Gil while on her vacations in France and they were always written in French, and I used to get upset when I couldn’t understand them. They stopped coming the following year, so my guess was that my mother had a gentle word.

At the end of Aunt Gil’s garden was a farm field, and a small woodland area on the left hand side. If we were careful, we could walk through the woods and watch the tractors and harvesters working in the fields nearby. If we were extra lucky, my mother even used to organise an Easter egg hunt for us in the woods around Easter time. It wouldn’t just be us, of course, some of our cousins would be there, too.

I’ve alady decided that I won’t be going to the funeral, and much of that has to do with my amaxophobia and my Aunt Gil’s love of the church. There were times when the church came before her own family. An action that I’ve never condoned. I will remember her, of course, but I’m afraid that my respect for her ceased a long time ago.

On Love…

Things between Will and myself took a bit of a rocky turn over the past week or so, but we seem to have sorted that out now. It wasn’t a clash of identities or ideas, far from it, if anything, it was simple misunderstandings. We talked, we cleared that shit up, and we seem to be doing a lot better now. We’ve taken our communication to the next level, and you know what? That seems to work!

One of the biggest things holding me back from exploring this relationship was the idea of his deployment, or draft. I was terrified that Will would get involved in an active warzone situation and so the best option for me was to hold back. If I didn’t get attached, I decided, then I didn’t have so much to lose.

But my wonderful new partner now knows this, he accepts this, and he tried to allay so much of my anxiety. At that point, it was very hard for me not to fall for him. He told me all about his last drafts and the last time he was anywhere near a war. Finally, I began to accept it, I believed it. I trusted him. Heck, I even started to get a little bit envious!

The hard thing about loving two guys – really loving two guys – is the guilt that sometimes follows. Even if we’ve talked everything through, my mind often feels guilty anyway. This morning was one such example, and sexting was something that had been agreed, so why, then, was I feeling so guilty?

So much of this is still an unknown, of course, and even if Will and I have talked about several scenes we plan to explore, we both know that the first meet is the first hurdle. I am looking forward to that day now, I’m really looking forward to that day. That first meet that, at one time, didn’t look as though it would happen? Now, it’s almost just around the corner!

How do I feel about that? Nervous, excited, scared… there’s a whole lot of emotions going on! I’m trying to take this all one step at a time, of course, but I’m also mindful of where it could go. It’d be one thing if this was just an acquaintance or a friend of course, but we’ve already talked about becoming my future other husband! Did I really cast the last one away who did that, purely because he was completely submissive? Now I feel truly terrible!

Of course, as intoxicating as New Relationship Energy is, I’m also trying not to let it consume me. I’m aware of how left out Matt might be feeling, so I’m trying to make sure that I make more effort to connect with him, too. Little touches here, stopping to actively listen when he talks, putting down my phone to do things that benefit us, and so on. Just because I may be infatuated all over again, doesn’t mean that those feelings will last forever, After all, there was a time that I was besotted with him, too.

And On Life…

So what else is new?

Thursday is my birthday, so I’m between lining up a post (if I find the time) or simply taking the day off. It’s not going to be a restful day for me, of course, oh no – I’m taking the family for a (culinary) trip around the world!

I’ve pissed off a lot of people over my birthday, and it’s not in a way that you’d think – I actually don’t know what I want for my birthday! You see, I have this handy little thing called a debit card, so if I want something I just – boop – buy it! My birthday is also four days away and I have an Argos account with same-day delivery, plus I have Amazon Prime. Why wait for my birthday? Why not get the things I want or need now, doesn’t it all make sense?

Well, here is the other funny thing – I asked for something that I actually do want and need – Roundup bramble weedkiller gel – and Matt actually refused. Even if what matters to me is tidying up my garden, apparently the weedkiller gel that I really need (and costs a reasonable £40) is not an acceptable present. This, boys and girls, is also exactly why I don’t tell people what I want for my birthday! Apparently ‘want’ and ‘need’ come with terms!

On my blog, I’ve also decided to revert back to TMI Tuesday, bizarrely enough, on Tuesdays. The Top Ten Tuesdays have been fun, but they’ve also required a lot of planning and I am quickly running out of ideas. I also looked at my statistics (standard stuff!) earlier and my one TMI Tuesday post had almost as many views as my three Top Ten posts, combined. I’m still going to bring you British snack posts, but I’m also going back to the TMI gang. If nothing else, it’s also a nice, weekly, minimal-planning post, too boot – a girl quite welcomes the break!

Well, that’s it from from me for this week, what’s new with you? Let me know your gossip in the comments below and I shall see you back here for TMI Tuesday!

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx

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