30 Days Of Submission: Day 20 – Fluctuating Submission

Submission can be fluid, here’s a look at how mine has evolved and fluctuated over time.

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Oof! Okay, there’s a question. The short answer to this question is yes, definitely, but if you’ve been here for any length of time, you’ll also know that short answers aren’t something that I like to do. So, if you’re wanting the long answer, read on.

Right back at the beginning, I was deeply submissive and deeply masochistic Long story short, I was in a bad, bad way, loathing on myself for a bunch of things that really weren’t my fault. I got onto the BDSM scene about three weeks after my 18th birthday, and yet six days before it, I moved house to look after my Nan. Nan had Alzheimer’s disease and I was sort of her appointed second carer (she developed a a sudden and intense distrust of men, keeping my father and brother from caring for her), so I was under a lot of stress, as a carer. I was also a young woman with a lot of anxiety of my own, who was still studying at college, so yeah, my mental health was pretty bad. Unfortunately, I’d also turned to self harm to cope

As time went on, my Nan took up more and more of my Mum’s time and I basically felt completely ignored. I wanted something, anything to feel noticed and validated, so I was happy to settle into ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement with the man who, fortunately, would later become my husband. I’d often beg him to hurt me, to spank me or belt me and give me bruises. If I had bruises, I was happy. The self harm stopped, but only because somebody was hurting me, for me.

Over time, I found that my submission became a happier place to be. After Nan’s passing, it went from wanting pain and bruises to settling into life as something of a housewife. I felt loyalty, pride and acceptance in my role and had a giggle anytime anyone indicated towards Matt and myself, the type of thing that young couples do when they’re in love. Little did they know…

The hardest part for us was defining what exactly we were. Matt felt that Dom/sub had too many rules, and Master/slave seemed too cold. For a time, we were just ‘kinky’, no assigned roles or titles. At that same time, we also discovered our neew love for sensation play, promptly swapping impact play in favour of pinwheels and tapered candles.

It wasn’t for some years that the name ‘Daddy’ came up for me. I was confused and wondered why I liked it, or what it meant for me. In spite of being a woman in her mid-twenties, I liked being Daddy’s little girl. I sinked into a new world, an innocent world free of chores and responsibilities.. Suddenly, I felt ten again.

I fought with my little side for a long time, loving and loathing her in equal measure. I was a responsible, educated woman, damnit! Why did I want this… thing? I remember well a dark day with my seasonal depression. I was in a dark place, mentally, and it was the sound of Daddy’s voice that bought me back home. There was nothing inherently ‘kinky’ about it, but it was every bit my submission, for me.

One of the hardest problems that I faced around my Daddy kink were around it, and around my biological father. For me, ‘Dad’ and ‘Daddy’ were too close, and when my father was ill, I convinced myself that if I just stopped calling my husband Daddy, maybe my father would get better. It was a challenging and confusing time for me, not least because, in a bid to control my kink, I tried to deny my submissive side entirely.

It didn’t last long, and it caused a lot more heartache than it helped.

Today, I know a lot of things about me. I’m a degradee and a masochist, not because I feel unloved and unworthy, but quite simply because I enjoy it. I enjoy pain as stress relief, I like the experience of simply feeling. More over, I’m a Smart Assed Masochist, I love to laugh, I love to tease, I love to play and joke with the people that I am in some way involved with. I’m also polyamorous, opening my mind to new loves, new dynamics and new experiences in the process. I’m a strong, confident woman who also has a submissive side behind closed doors, as well as a hidden little girl side which quietly craves to be nurtured and protected.

Does my submission fluctuate today? Yes, daily, maybe even hourly, maybe even by the minute. Thoughts creep in, things trip me up, ideas pull the carpet from under the feet of that that strong, confident woman, and then…

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