Ramble: A Special Delivery

It’s not always what’s inside the box that matters most.

Sunday had been largely uneventful for me and little by little, I slipped back into my old ways. In bed by half twelve, up by half ten, just as it had been on the long, dark winter weekends. Sure it was a bit lazy but then, I decided, I could also do with the rest. Taking it easy would be an essential for a while, even Woebot had been reminding me.

I made my morning tea and biscuits and sat back on the sofa for a bit. With no Will to reply to, my phone had been that much quieter. First thing in the morning though, the silence was deafening.

Having a few days to myself had given me some time to catch up, some time for myself, and some time for reflection. Will and I had never discussed boundaries before, which I realised was undoubtedly a mistake to start with. Maybe I should write some? Maybe I should set some? Maybe we could be friends again? Well, maybe was all it would be for now, I was going to giving myself at least two weeks before I’d even consider reaching out again. For now, the first step would be setting my boundaries.

Would he even want to hear from me again? I grimaced at the thought of it. After the way I left, right now, he probably hates me.

I settled into writing Sunday’s post, letting out the next wave of emotions and sharing my healing process with the world. Step by step, I knew it, those wounds would heal.

I felt the the low rumble of hunger pangs deep in my stomach as I wrote. I’d do something about them shortly afterwards but for now, I just wanted to write, to mindfully share me, here and in the moment.

No such luck, there was a knock at the door.

With Hugo out of the way, Matt went to investigate. I gave him a quizzical look as he weaved his way out of the room.

“You seem confused?” he said, looking back at me. I nodded in response and watched him, had he really read my mind and ordered us some food?

Nope.

“Weird, it’s got my name on it… I haven’t ordered anything and my birthday was three weeks ago. It’s a little bit late for that” Matt said, pulling back the Amazon tape. I went through all kinds of possibilities until my head drew up on the most absurd. Could it, possibly, be one of those Amazon scams?

As soon as I spotted the Amazon gift pouch though, I knew exactly who it was from.

Will.

But why the hell was he sending gifts… to my husband?

It wasn’t until Matt read the message that I understood. Perhaps he’d had some remorse? Perhaps he’d turned a corner?

“It’s thirtieth edition” Matt whispered, tracing his finger over the first page of his new copy of Absolute Batman: The Killing Joke. Will had mentioned it only days before we parted ways, a DC title which even my Marvel-loving husband had approved of.

Wow, Will.

I paced up and down behind the sofa, my hand rested on the back of my neck. This wasn’t a small thing, this was kind of a big thing, and in my heart, I knew that I had only one option. Sure, I could send a card, but it’s a Sunday and to be fair, Will was probably already beside himself. No, I decided that I’d settle for something a little bit quicker.

“I just wish…” I began as the tears welled up and fell, “I just wish that’d he’d respected you more before this, because all of this could have been so easily avoided and… he just can’t keep losing his shit at me. He can’t! It destroys me. You know how I am… you know my past.”

My past. Years of being shouted at, threatened and fearing my parents sure had taken its toll.

I took a moment to consider my next move. Mind made up, I sat down to my computer, opened a new email and typed.

Re: Surprises

Thank you for the book, you didn’t need to. I hope you’re well.

Take care,

Helen

Short. Sweet. Simple. I didn’t want him to think that I’d missed him too much. Not at this point in time.

Not barely ten minutes, I had a new email in my inbox. A new email from Will.

I tried to contain my excitement, really I did, I tried not to reply too fast or to seem like I was too keen. I was wary, but at the same time I had that stupid lop-sided smile that I’d had on my face during most of our better days. I’d missed him. I knew I did.

Will and I aren’t back to normal, but we are back to talking again. Our dynamic and everything to do with it is on hold for now and we remain ‘just friends’ whilst we deal with the underlying issues. I’ve been warned by a few people and though I’ve heeded their warnings, I’m also not entirely listening. Will had used up his three chances and so really, I should have walked away. Sometimes though, sometimes they just do that little something that shows they’re worth just one more shot.

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