Ramble: On My Knees

Ramble: On My Knees header image

Letting go of hurt and anger, the submissive way. 

Monday night, I led in bed tossing and turning and generally frustrated at myself. I’d never meant to cause hurt, I felt that I had to be honest with him and my audience in the wake of our relationship, but perhaps I’d been too honest? Perhaps I’d disgraced myself and him with it? Perhaps not absolutely everything belongs on the web?

Perhaps it was an error of judgement on my part.

There was only one thing left to do. I took down the offending post and reached out on Tuesday morning to profusely apologise.

I should say here that I wasn’t looking for forgiveness, nor was I expecting him to forgive me. I realised that I’d screwed up and I wanted to offer my sincere apologies, what happened on the back of that was his business. He could accept it and we could work, perhaps, towards some kind of eventual friendship, or he could reject it and me with it entirely. We don’t have an automatic right to be forgiven when we hurt someone, and I knew that. 

I don’t want to go too into the details of what happened next except to say that he too disgraced himself (which he then passed off as a “joke”) in the face of my humility, followed by a long and angry email ten minutes later. I kept my cool for long enough to tell him that I wanted nothing further to do with him, then I went on my merry little way.

I decided to remove every trace of ‘us’ from my blog and take a ‘names redacted’ approach from now on. Perhaps it’s not a very healthy way of handling things, but it gives those who have wronged me discretion and the ability to deny their part in events whilst allowing me to speak my truth. After all, only those with a guilty conscience will have something to say.

But stress takes its toll on the human body, and after such a tense and angry break-up, my body was feeling the effects.

No, I had to let him go. Really let him go. 

And there’s only one way that I let go of physical stress: through meditation. 

I don’t regret the break-up and I don’t regret the relationship either, not entirely anyway. There were good and bad moments, but the bad moments outweighed the good in the end. Breaking up was hard, but I’m proud of myself for doing it. I stood up for myself, I stood up for how I was feeling and I asserted my boundaries. I took action for me and my mental health, it’s just unfortunate that somebody that I once cared about got so deeply hurt by my actions in the process. 

But back to my meditation.

By nightfall, I knew what I had to do. I took a deep breath and headed for the bedroom. As my former Dominant, this had to be a ‘letting go’ meditation like no other.

I lit the candles, played some music and lit some incense too. With the lights down and the curtains drawn, the room had an ambience, but a different ambience to a usual scene. There was no intention for this space, or at least there was, but not in the same way. I changed the LED lights behind the headboard to red though, just to put me into the submissive mindset.

I slipped into some black loose fitting trousers and a black lace-trimmed camisole, something a little bit sexy and feel good for the occasion. I tied my hair back again and kicked my flip flops off. Finally, I knelt on the floor in front of the full-length mirror. Given our past, this place felt right for me. 

I took a few deep breaths, placed my palms on my thighs and allowed my eyes to gently fall closed. 

I’d always said that “we have the ability to love one another like never before, or hurt one another like never before” and unfortunately, we’d chosen the latter. It still pained me to realise this, to realise the number of times when I’d wondered whether I was perhaps just too sensitive, but it also angered me to see how many times I’d publicly defended him and our ‘misunderstandings’. It was a classic victim behaviour, I just hadn’t seen it for myself. 

I focused on my breathing; slow, deep, rhythmic. I allowed my thoughts to flow freely, for my emotions to happen, for the hurt and anger to come out unabated. I allowed myself to be present with him, mentally, both with him and the person that I thought he was. Finally, having made peace with both versions of him, I whispered into the space in the room:

“I forgive you, I thank you and I’m sorry. Not because I didn’t love you for the person that you are, but because I loved you for the person that I thought you were.”

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