30 Days Of Submission: Day 23 – Questioning My Submission

30 days of submission day 23 header image

Everyone has doubts and questions sometimes, even kinky people.

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

The short answer to this question is yes, many things. If you’re in a hurry, then that may be all you want to read. If you’re here for the longer read, then sit down and get comfortable. 

Speaking as a former Dominatrix, one of my biggest grievances was with submissives who were very agreeable to me. Although it’s fun in the beginning, the novelty very quickly wears off when your submissive agrees with everything you say, doesn’t answer back because they fear being punished, does as they’re told unquestioningly, and so on. 

On the flipside to this, and again something that I have experienced, is the submissive who simply doesn’t want to do as they are asked, despite claiming that they want to submit. They’re a brat, but almost in a toxic and dangerous kind of way. They want to be forced to submit, but to the point that the Dominant partners gets angry and in some cases even physically violent with them. That’s fine if it’s a mutual kink, but it’s not for everyone and needs thorough discussion before entering a dynamic. When it’s not a mutual interest, feelings (and sometimes people!) can get hurt on both sides.

So what’s the middle ground?

Being a bit of a brat is absolutely okay, and speaking as a renown brat myself, sometimes it can even be hellishly fun and is often appreciated by many people and partners. My quick wit and playful humour are a draw for many, but it’s equally as important to know when to cool it off, or to hold it back completely. Humour is fine and fun, but when grave topics come up, humour is perhaps best avoided. 

In myself, the ability to let go of control and perfection would be a fine thing. I can get down on myself if a scene “doesn’t go to plan”, despite my scenes not really having a plan to begin with. For example, let’s say we plan to play at 8PM, but dinner is still cooking and we’re not actually ready until closer to 10PM, I’m known to get down about that. For me, a lack of punctuality is akin to failure, even if it’s outside of my control. 

If we’re going to talk about what repels me, then I think the big thing for me is the idea that there is a way for a submissive partner to ‘be’ – that’s just not true! You can be whoever you want to be, wear (or don’t wear) whatever you want to wear, agree (or don’t agree) what rules you have in your dynamic, and so on. You are you, you will always have things that you like or don’t like, and the right partner for you will always, always listen. 

Personally, I choose not to wear a collar. I know so many kinky people will be up up in arms about that and yet, for me, the reasoning is simple: Having something around my throat all day every day makes me feel like I’m being choked, and not in a way that I enjoy! It makes me feel anxious and like I genuinely can’t breathe. Even pullover tops and round-neck t-shirts can give me the same feeling, so I choose not to have anything too close to my neck. 

For me, no jewellery can demonstrate my submissive feelings. Submission is in the heart, it’s in my intentions and who I give them to. Sure, collars and cuffs can look great, but just like wedding rings, they’re purely decorative pieces if the thoughts and intentions behind them aren’t there. If they are there, then what difference does a collar really make each day? I make coffee for my husband every morning but I don’t need a collar to do that because my love and intentions are still there. 

When it comes to questioning myself, I know that I’ve definitely had moments when I’ve sort of thought “maybe this isn’t for me”. I don’t give up control as easily as some submissives, I know that I’m hard work and I know that I’m suited to a Dominant who is up to the challenge, not in a ‘beat me senseless’ kind of fashion, but someone who can match quick quips and debates, who can engage in thought-provoking conversations and will pick up the gauntlet when I throw it down. I need someone who can meaningfully handle intelligence and is quick on their feet sometimes, because this girl can be a sly old fox when she gets going, too!

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