Onto Pastures New

A green grassy field behind stone wall. There is wils graan in front of the wall and trees to the right

Sometimes the best course of action is the one that’s right for you.

I realise that today is not, technically, a ramble day. However, there are things that I wanted to get off of my chest and that I don’t want to taint tomorrow’s much more positive post, so here we are.

I am saddened to report that a friendship with the Captain did not work out in the end. I offered what I thought was a positive and amicable solution given the stress that he has been under recently, and when he tried to ramp up the temperature, I did my best to cool things down to avoid hurt and frustrations later on. I don’t say that it was easy – he knew what he was doing – but something had to be done for the benefit of both of us.

He said that he felt rejected, even though I explained that I wasn’t rejecting him because I didn’t want him, but rather that I was rejecting the dynamic because I didn’t feel that a D/s dynamic was right or fair on either of us right now, and that I was hurt by the difficult decision too. Even in spite of my explanation and trying to comfort him, he has hardly spoken to me since.

So after two days of coldness and hardly talking, I let go.

There was no goodbye, no begging for forgiveness, no offering something else instead. No, he left, and so in the silence, so did I.

For good.

I knew that I was being put on the proverbial ‘time out’ and fine, I get that people sometimes need an hour or two to calm down. I need one too sometimes, Matt does it too, it’s not always a bad thing.

But days? Days of torturing myself and wondering if he was still upset with me, if he’d eventually come back, or if we’d ever be okay? No. One day was enough, two hurts, but waking up this morning and realising that I still hadn’t heard from him? That’s not love, that’s not friendship, that’s… that’s nothing. You just don’t do that to the people you truly care about.

So I let go, completely. I blocked his email, I deleted the games, blocked him on Facebook.

Gone.

Heck, I didn’t even have granola and yogurt for breakfast this morning, because I realised that that too was still giving him some control over my life and I wasn’t going to play those games anymore. No, they’re going in the food waste later on today. Even when I’m pissed, I’m still conscientious about the planet.

Perhaps the hardest part is that there were similarities between the Captain and my father, and so in this process, my grief for my late father has been resurfaced somewhat too. Perhaps that was all part of the draw, perhaps it was the familiarity, or perhaps I was still vulnerable enough with my grief that I jumped onso something familiar because I wasn’t ready to let go, right now I just don’t know. The absolute hardest part though, was realising that my father too was emotionally and verbally abusive. Both of my parents were.

I say that as a revelation, but it isn’t really. I already know that my mother was (is), but I always held my father in high regard and so forgiving him will just be something else that I’ll have to do. Not just him, but all of them – both of my parents, the Captain, even me.

It often makes me smile when people ask me how I’m so strong and kind when they realise that I myself have been a victim of childhood abuse. Why didn’t I just follow in my parents’ footsteps?

Because at about sixteen years of age and before men really interested me, I had an epiphany.

Sat in the car and listening to my parents argue over something most likely non-consequential, I listened to the way that they spoke to one another, I saw the way that they treated one another: Cold, callous, with contempt.

Yikes! I don’t want to be like that.

So I endeavoured not to be. I worked my ass off not to be. So much so, that I sort of became a romantic people-pleaser for a time, just because I wanted to make sure that I was treating my partner properly.

I worked on my communication. I worked on biting my tongue and not saying hurtful things instead of lambasting people however I wanted to. I worked on being assertive instead of being angry, on honesty and on asking for things directly instead of being passive aggressive, because that’s what my parents used to do. I worked on having meetings and conversations with my partner, rather than having heated debates. Above all else, I learned to practice empathy, patience, compassion and kindness, and to treat others the way that I wished to be treated. I’m not perfect, I’ve realised that sometimes I still bottle things up, sometimes I say something a bit curt if caught in a stressful moment or I find myself making a joke that I then have to immediately apologise for. I even ghosted the Captain a few times when he hurt or offended me in the early days and I sent him some passive-aggressive journal entries in the name of ‘communication’ at one time, that had only hindered rather than helped. But with each mistake, I apologise and endeavour to do something different, something better, because that too is part of the process: Humility and self-awareness. I don’t believe that I am ever a finished product.

And so as I set sail and move on to pastures new, I’ll leave you will that little nugget of wisdom. I’m off now to rough draft tomorrow’s ramble, to tinker around in the background of my blog for a bit and to write a journal. Those were today’s orders.

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx

5 thoughts on “Onto Pastures New

  1. Helen, hugs and warm wishes as you continue to be true to yourself for in the end that is all any of us can truly be.

    1. Thank you David, you are absolutely right, that’s all I’d ever want to be anyway.
      In the words of Oscar Wilde – Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

    1. Thank you slave sindee, it certainly is. It’s amazing how many people you see who are trying to be something else (I’ve even had people trying to be me before) because they’re not happy with themselves. When you love yourself and who you are, nothing in the world can pull you down.

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