A new week and a new beginning.
If there’s one thing I’d learned by now, it’s that forgiveness is not a one time act. Oh sure, I’d forgiven him, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t still feeling hurt and disappointed by his actions. Disappointed – that was maybe the worst one, but at least hurt was healing up nicely by now. I thought he was someone that I could respect, work with and form a lasting ‘team’ with, as my new Dom and poly partner. Alas, it turns out that I was wrong.
“There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team'” is one of the cheesy adages that has kept my fourteen-year relationship with Matt going strong.
“Team work makes the dream work” is the other. We high-five on the reg too, as if we weren’t cheesy enough.
But when one person in a new team – in a new relationship – thinks of only themselves instead of the whole team, it quickly crumbles.
I don’t say as I’m flawless, by the way. I kept a few things bottled up for a bit but then I caught myself in the act. Unfortunately though, when I tried to address those issues and acknowledged that I’d been (and apologised for) gunnysacking, he ran. He gave up on everything that we were supposedly working for, and he ran. That sucks.
But it also sucks that he was cheating on his wife. It sucks that I fell for someone that I shouldn’t have fallen for and it sucks that I found myself in a relationship which, despite sounding sweet to start with, was anything but healthy in the end.
I found myself under the stars again on Saturday night. Normally the stars are a special place for me, and they were for us, but this time it was different. I wasn’t romancing and idealising anymore, I think it was the first time I actually felt sad since the break-up. Disappointed again too, maybe.
“Well Helen, what you thought was your other Mr Right was actually your Mr Wrong. Mister Very Fucking Wrong.”
“Don’t change love, I wouldn’t want you to change” Matt pleaded as I lie on the bed in a mood. To be fair, I was only really half listening.
“People think I’m a pussycat, but they forget that every pussycat has sharp teeth and sharp claws, and this proverbial pussycat sure as hell knows how to use them when she’s crossed” I warned.
Oh no, I’m not your angry, violent type – I’m cold, calm and calculated, I refuse to let my temper get the better of me. Still, I’m not ruthless because I want to be, I’m ruthless because I’ve had to be.
I’ve had a bit of a ‘people’ problem as of late, and it’s the same people problem that a lot of normally-kind souls face – we get taken for granted, people fall out of line, they forget how to respect those who respect them. There is going to be a shake up to the system before too soon, this little pussycat has got an impatient twitch in her tail. Not everyone has noticed it yet, but it won’t be too long before some poor soul finds out what those sharp claws can do. I pity the fool who does.
Maybe that’s why Matt calls me “Kitten” – cute, fluffy and playful, also comes with very sharp and painful parts. I digress.
In recent days, then I think I’ve also been more driven to be better and to do better than I’ve ever done before. I think I’ve got it into my mind that if I don’t get my to-do’s ticked off then he’s basically right about me – I’m lazy, I’m a failure, I don’t get anything done. I know why some people do it, and yes, it does work, but then it also reminds me of an expression that I read a few days ago:
When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They scratch and hurt you. But later, you’ll be shining and polished, while they end up useless.Author Unknown
To an extent, I already believed that anyway. You see, I am one of those people that, when pushed in the wrong way, I just get all the more determined to succeed. I will work harder and do better just to spite you. I will work harder and do better just so that, for all of those times you laughed at me when I failed, I can laugh at you when I finally surprise you with my success. If you put me down instead of encouraging me, I will work harder and do better just to show you that I never really needed your encouragement anyway. Most of all, if you’re not there for me when I needed you, then I won’t be there for you when you need me. That’s just who I am, we’re either a good, solid, healthy team, or we’re not. There’s really no in-between.
On the brighter side of things and as a positive conclusion to this ramble, I have found a wonderful new person to chat with on Fetlife, Misty. Misty is a crossdressing Switch who messaged me about the picture of the tropical fish (my Endlers Livebearers) that I featured on my profile (because kinky people aren’t just kink) and we got chatting almost right away. Misty and I swap long messages and have kept one of those deep conversations going that makes you feel like you might have actually found a friend who you can talk to, and want to spend some valuable time with. Misty, too, is into humiliation, wax play and rope play, and wax art, which is something that I’ve long wanted to try my hand at. Where will it lead? Like with anything, I don’t know. Even if nothing else, then right now, the camaraderie is welcome.