My Pet Project / Gentleman Jack

Maybe she’d be my perfect pet, too?

I promised pictures, and there is a picture. I have been a busy girl.

Okay, so it’s not the hallway, but it’s still a picture.

I wanted to give our lounge aquarium a makeover some weeks ago because I just wasn’t happy with the way it looked. Unlike the bedroom tank which boasts a large log, mosses and plants, the old, clearly-artificial pink plants and the bridge in the lounge tank looked – at least according to me – like “it’s trying to tell a story”. The police telephone box and bridge ornaments were gifts for my birthday last year but, to be honest, I didn’t like having too much of ‘theme’ going on in the tanks. The theme of our lounge already is “relaxation”.

So then, I decided, let’s theme in that same “relaxation”.

Buddhism particularly is something that interests me. I’m not a Buddhist by any means, but as a Unitarian Universalist I respect, take an interest in and practice elements of Buddhism, chiefly mindfulness, meditation and trying, to the best of my ability, to maintain a state of constant emotional stability. I always feel at peace around statues of Buddha, and so as to help me remember this, I decided to welcome him into my home with my other peaceful-making things – my red cherry shrimp. If you look closely at the photo, you can see one on the moss by Buddha’s right shoulder.

Of course, I wasn’t done there. To complete the look and to remind myself of the balance that I try to maintain, I added a small stack of river stones too. I also added some one-inch Marimo moss balls, unfixed to anything, to tumble around and brighten the place up a bit. Unfortunately I have lost at least one of my thorned nerite snails, so I’ve got two zebra nerites on order to go in once they arrive, the same as the ones that are happily zooming around in the bedroom tank. I never thought I’d fall in love with aquarium snails, but it always amuses me how snails move four times as fast underwater as they do on land. Certail species that is, anyway. Please don’t drown your garden snails for the sakes of aquarium life, okay? Good.

With all that being said, I think the past few days have been quite weird. I think I’ve hit a state of overtiredness, naysay exhaustion, and so I’m trying to lighten things up on myself a little. I’ve decided that I’ll only write a ramble once a week from now on, probably on a Monday, so that I can get some other things done. I like rambling, but when I have a lot of other things to do and not enough hours in the day to do them all, a ramble every three days is a little much. Not only, but not always within those three days do I have something interesting to share, though sometimes…

I also know that I’ve hit a weird state following the break-up, a kind of anger and hatred that I’ve not known before. I’m not sad that we broke up, but I’m annoyed that he broke his pledge as a friend and I’m mad that he, effectively, just kept me for sex. ‘Hate’ is a strong word perhaps, but to say that I’d developed a strong disliking for him feels just. I’d taken pity on him, apologised even, and I still never heard from him again, even as a friend. I decided to donate the bracelet he bought me, though it wasn’t to spite him or because it reminded me of a relationship failed. It was because it reminded me of a friendship promise broken and that, to me, was far worse. If he’d forgotten me, then I wanted to forget all about him too . It’s tragic, but… someday maybe, he’ll come to regret his decisions. He wouldn’t be the first one if he does.

Last night I – quite uninitentionally – watched an episode of Gentleman Jack. If you’ve never seen it, then Gentleman Jack tells the true lesbian love story of Anne Lister, a landowner in West Yorkshire during the Industrial Revolution. I’d watched Tipping The Velvet some many years prior, as a young woman drawn the possibilities and realities that a woman could indeed love another woman, but this wasn’t that. This was intimate, but less sexual, more of the banealities of relationships and the secret-keeping that would have gone with a lesbian relationship during that time. What stood out for me most prominantly of all though, was Anne Lister (played by Suranne Jones).

I have always been drawn to a woman in a suit, and I have always liked the look on myself. I supposed that it started with Tipping the Velvet’s Nancy “Nan” Astley (played by Rachel Stirling). I was drawn to the fact that such a beautiful and feminine woman could also wear something so masculine. It waas almost daring, daring to go against the convention that society had set out for us for so long. The gender norms, if you will.

I have worn a suit a couple of times, and it is always a feeling that I like, a feeling of confidence. Dressed in smart black and stood alongside the pallbearers at a family funeral, I feel like one of them.

One of the men.

As a suited woman, my whole psyche changes. Gone is my submissive feminine persona and instead a more powerful, androgynous individual takes her place. I suppose that I’ve always been somewhat androgynous in a way, but when I throw on my black suit and a crisp white shirt, it’s even more apparent.

Though off course, I do love offsetting it with some feminine things too. Pearl ear studs and a sweep of make-up perhaps, and a sleek, polished bun – always.

Feminine enough to be fucked, masculine enough to fuck right back.

When it comes to other women, then I’ve always seen myself as being more Dominant. I suppose that it is because of my instinct to protect and lead, to care for and provide for, though being a Mommy Domme doesn’t interest me. I tried it once, I personally found age play exhausting. I’m drawn to playful, feminine, adult women. Corruptible women.

Still, it was Ms Lister’s confidence that drew me in A woman in formal attire is one thing, but a confident woman in formal attire is, perhaps, my Archille’s heel. She’d only have to pull it off better than me for my pulse to quicken and for me to fall quickly into line. Like with men, sometimes a naturally assertive personality really is my biggest weakness.

I know in my past I had a dream, a recurrent dream, a dream that I served a Dominatrix. Mistress was cruel and punishing, making me walk across hot coals in one dream and broken glass in another. I’ve no idea what any of it means except that I know I craved to please her. Perhaps, maybe, I’m so used to taking care of others that to find or meet a woman who didn’t need taking care of – and for a quasi-forbidden relationship to come of it – was oddly appealing in itself. Maybe, it was in that not being needed that I somehow craved her even more.

Psychology is weird sometimes.

6 thoughts on “My Pet Project / Gentleman Jack

  1. Hi Helen. You wrote “I think I’ve hit a state of overtiredness, naysay exhaustion, and so I’m trying to lighten things up on myself a little.” we all need down time and good rest to revive ourselves and give us new energy. You have spent a lot of time and effort in what was an unfortunate situation. Time to let it go. maybe saying goodbye to the bracelet will help with that.

    also “As a suited woman, my whole psyche changes. Gone is my submissive feminine persona and instead a more powerful, androgynous individual takes her place….Feminine enough to be fucked, masculine enough to fuck right back. ”
    Maybe You need someone like me i would love to serve You and be dressed in Fem mode while you were suited. Although i would have to beg Mistress Kate for permission.

    And lastly “I’m so used to taking care of others that to find or meet a woman who didn’t need taking care of – and for a quasi-forbidden relationship to come of it – was oddly appealing in itself. Maybe, it was in that not being needed that I somehow craved her even more” Maybe if You had a sub who cared for your needs and took care of You. You wouldn’t dream about across hot coals or broken glass.

    i hope You get some rest. i do enjoy your posts and rambling. sorry if this rambled on too much.
    off for some tea and crumpets
    have a wonderful day

    1. Hi slave sindee, you’re absolutely right and I think that’s why I had to. I had to let go and move on. It won’t happen over night but parting with it and working on myself will help me. I’ve bought myself an argan oil hair treatment too because stress has wreaked havoc on my hair. I’m hoping it will help tackle the dryness and my hair will feel smoother and look better. Small things make the biggest changes.

      Thank you all the same but I think we are In different countries, nevermind different cities lol. I am trying to put online relationships behind me now and focus on real life connections. I’ve now wasted more than 3 years of my life on online relationships and they only ended in heartache, I don’t want to do that to anyone now, you, me or anyone else.

      I’m not sure it’s that. Maybe it’s a calling from my own sub desires because I often feel like i’m not pushed hard enough. I’ve craved for someone to see me, to push me and expose my potential to myself so I think subconsciously maybe it’s that. I think the hot coals and broken glass are metaphorical – they are a sign of being pushed to do something I really don’t want to do in order to realise my potential.

      No worries at all, thank you for rambling back. I hope you enjoyed your crumpets, I’m so jealous I haven’t had crumpets in years. Butter and honey always it has to be hehe.

  2. Thank You for the no online comment. i too do not do online. Maybe because my #1 love language is touch. Mistress Kate seems to enjoy patting my head and allowing me the pleasure of giving Her massages especially foot massages.
    i am in Chicago and Mother was from Manchester ,UK. So yes we are far apart.
    You will find that perfect individual that stretches You to become the best Helen can be.

    1. I know mine is Acts Of Service. I know that sounds fitting, but it’s not really about submission, just helping out and reducing my stress load. Matt’s is Quality Time (my second), so it almost works well that if he helps me, we will of course have more time to spend together. I think talking and sharing online is great, but online relationships are little more than a time filler and sometimes not at all healthy (from mine, they can involve cheating and abuse, for example). I’m glad that you are happy with Mistress Kate and that you are able to serve her well.

      Did yoru mother keep her Mancunian twang? Hehe. They are a different breed up there – Mancs could probably drink us Bristolians under the table! Haha.

      Thank you, I do have someone I hope to meet soon, Will AKA Misty and probably soon to be “Piggy”, because he is onto pig play and I adopted the name as an acknowledgement of his degradation. We get along well inside of and outside of the scene, with common interests in both areas, plus he is of a similar age to me (4 years older), in Bristol and has a partner who knows about me. Whether we’ll just be friends though or whether there will be more to it? Time will tell.

      1. Ooh I see. It’s definitely an interesting one. I used to have a neighbour from Liverpool and I could never understand him lol.
        Thank you, he’s on vacation at the moment so we’ve not spoken in nearly a week.

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