Posh Chips

Just us, on coping and condiments.

“Damn girl, who hurt you?!” he asks.

“Well you know, I like to be clear about these things” I sigh.

“Yes, but Taylor Swift’s ‘Never Getting Back Together’?”

I sit up and smile weakly at Matt. He knows.

“Like I was just saying, I like to be clear” I reiterate.

I know that music was a huge part of the relationship. It started with Ed Seeran’s “Bad Habits” that haunted every space one of us seemed to occupy, then it became Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse”, a message from me to him perhaps. I wanted to be clear, I wanted him to be aware:

Make me your Aphrodite, make me your one and only, but don’t make me your enemy.

A few people know what I’m like, of course, including me. I’m direct, but I’m reasonable. I’m a peacemaker, but I’m no pushover.

Even in spite of that, he made an enemy out of me anyway.

I think I lost respect for my ex the day he passive-aggressively sent me a link to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” after I tried to apologise to him. Even if we’d both had a part to play in that little debacle, even if he’d apologised for the video soon after and even if I’d forgiven him for it, it forever reshaped the way that I saw him. I also maintained that, maybe if he’d treated me with respect, then maybe we woudn’t have gotten to that point. If he hadn’t been giving me warning signs then I wouldn’t have secretly kept score of them and I wouldn’t have broken up with him or spoken out about the (frankly unhealthy) ways that he was treating me. If he’d given me reason to be singing his praises on my blog then of course I’d be doing that instead. It’s Newton’s third law.

Alas, here we are.

Even if I’m resolute now, I still need time to process and grieve. I still need to get my confidence back to where it needs to be and to realise that a lot of the negativity was about his self-esteem and not me. I can get there again, it’s just not an overnight process.

“Do you jusr want some chips for dinner? Matt asks, “I don’t know about you, I don’t have much of an appetite.”

I nod slowly – there’s no way that I could manage a chicken curry right now. It’s not because of grief though, it’s because of my cold.

“Salt and pepper? Umm… what am I saying? Salt and vinegar?” he corrects. I laugh.

“Posh chips!” I grin.

“I don’t get people who do that. It’s salt and vinegar on chips” Matt says.

“That’s common. Seasoned chips are heavenly” I reply matter-of-factly.

“Yep, well, I’m common AF.” he says proudly. I shake my head in mock disapproval.

“I think we should see other people” I say with a wink.

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