A casual Sunday ramble.
Much like many people around the globe, I’ve been rather fascinated by the Heard-Depp case as of late. Even if I don’t fully understand it or the the implications of it (I know what defamation is, but this seems to have become more to do with abuse received now than it has to do with damages or defamation), it is still fascinating to watch. I suppose that, in some way, then having gone through what I have recently, it’s almost like watching my past relationship play out in real time.
A little secret here that I’ve perhaps kept under wraps – much like Johnny Depp, I am an INFP. That’s not to say that I think and feel exactly like he does, but certainly at times, there are ways that he handles himself that I just think “yes, I can relate to that”. He told Amber that she’d never see his eyes again, and he is doing his utmost to maintain that. He is cool, calm, almost distant and disengaged (but ocassionally fiery), I can relate to that. The way that Johnny can bond with people without even trying? Yeah… INFPs are an empathetic bunch, it’s just what we do.
But nothing is bugging me more about this case than the idea of “mutual abuse”. Let me explain.
Some many years ago, I was a witness in a DV case. Although the claim at the time was that she was the abuser, I question a lot of it now, given the way that I’ve seen the young man in question (who is my neighbour) conduct himself to others, and even to me. He is verbally abusive, has tried his chances at me (a big mistake that had him on the brink of tears without me ever raising a fist or my voice) and has had no qualms in yelling at other girlfriends since. Is this the behaviour of a victim? I’m not so sure. Not only, but I saw the marks and was led to believe, by him, that he was the victim. I was never allowed to speak with her alone.
In my previous relationship, I know that there were times when my behaviour wasn’t perfect, I also know that there were times when I was “mutually abusive”; I was sometimes critical and held the relationship hostage if he wouldn’t be honest about me, I ghosted him several times becase I refused to be controlled or I felt frightened by him, I was blunt in my break-ups and I was public about our relationship woes (because sometimes being a life blogger can be like being stuck between a rock and a hard place). All of this makes it hard to discern who the real abuser was, but then this is the crazy-making that I now face on a daily basis: was I the bad guy all along? Am I more like Amber Heard?
I wish I could tell you that I had an epiphany or a moment of clarity, except that I haven’t, not really. Research and lots and lots of test-taking has been my only reprieve. I even think back to something that my mother used to say every time I squabbled with my brother – you’re both as bad as one another.
On the one hand, I realise now that I have been a victim of abuse several times in my life, and yet on the other, I hate assuming this “victim” role. As mentioned in a previous post, a victim drowns in their sef-pity, but a survivor survives, and I’m hellbent on surviving. Right now it feels like I’m swimming up to my neck in thick mud, but if I keep calm and move slowly, I know I can survive. I want to survive, and I’m determined to. I know what to look out for now, perhaps I didn’t before.
I never did hear from him again, and to be honest, even if I did miss him a bit at first then with each passing day, I’m more and more grateful. I’m grateful that he’s been in my life, grateful that he’s shown me who I am, grateful that he’s made me that much stronger. He’s made me aware now – love at first sight doesn’t exist, and fairytales only happen in storybooks.
Friday came and went without incident. It happens a lot as of late, and it pretty much all boils down to one thing:
“What do you want to do about tonight?”
Bless him, Matt means well, but I’ve made clear now that the very question is about as sexy as asking me if I want him to do the dishes. It puts the onus on me (ths submissive one) and makes our Friday kinky fuckery feel like a chore. All in, I’m a lot less likely to say “yes”, and more inclined to say “no”.
It’s taken us months to recognise it, but what this really boils down to is asking for consent in a sexier way. At it’s core, it’s a question of whether or not I consent to the evening planned, except that it’s very vague and doesn’t give me a lot of insight as to how he’s feeling. Does he want to play? Would he rather just watch some crappy Friday night TV instead? For me personally, it feels a bit like I’m topping from the bottom to go bounding up to him and say “hey Daddy, do you want to spank me tonight?”. I needed him to be equally engaging.
“I do it because you like it” he says.
“But that’s not my point, I do this for you, because I thought you liked it too. Submission means nothing for me if it means nothing to you” I reply. Ouch. My little submissive heart, ripped out and laid bare.
“Think of submission like a chocolate cupcake. I love baking chocolate cupcakes, and I thought you liked chocolate cupcakes, so I keep baking chocolate cupcakes because I especially enjoy making them for you. Now, I keep baking these chocolate cupcakes and I keep giving them to you, and each time, you just put them on the side and forget about them, so now I’m starting to think… ‘maybe he doesn’t like chocolate cupcakes anymore’?” . He laughs and shakes his head.
“I just love your analogies sometimes” he says.
At current, Matt and I are also exploring Waffle, the shared journal app. It’s not so good in one way and yet it’s handy in another. I don’t need to log into things anymore, I can just open the app, create a new entry and boop! Done. He can comment and interact with my entries (or even post his own) too, which is nice. I’m looking forward to seeing where that journey takes us.
Tomorrow Matt is back in the office for one day, to do some (very unkinky!) training. I’m nervous about it in a way, and yet, it also gives me a day to get quite a lot done. I’ve changed up my routine, broken down what I do on the blog (and when) now and suffice to say, it is definitely seems to be working. The flat isn’t all up together, but I’m getting things done and I’m now going to bed with a sense of accomplishment, rather thana sense of overwhelm. Tomorrow I plan to clean the capets and windows after putting the food shop away, but for now, I’m off to assemble my ASDA shop, have myself a shower and pamper night, then slip my pyjamas on and relax!
Have a wonderful Sunday, Twisties! What do you have planned for this weekend/this week? Let me hear your news in the comments!
Stay safe & have fun,