Because there’s no one way for a perfect Dominant to be.
What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
I think there are two parts to answer here and so as such I’m going to address this in two sections, first with “must-haves”, and then with “must not haves”. Also, do bear in mind that these are generics. Of course I have Matt, but while he’s good, he isn’t perfect. This is purely my ideal Dominant, not my real Dominant, m’kay? Let’s begin.
My Must-Haves In A Dominant Partner
Empathetic – Let’s start with the basics here: I’m a disabled girl who lives with mild mobility issues and chronic pain, so I need somebody who can empathise with that and not push me to do things that I cannot do. It’s no good expecting me to be like that fit busty blonde submissive you saw on PornHub – I’m not her, I’m me.
Flexible – Similar to above, I have a “varying condition”, which means to say that some days it seems like there is nothing wrong with me and on others I might be jumping around and yelping in pain (and not because of something you did!). Holding grudges when I can’t submit is unfair – my condition is outside of my control.
Intelligent – I’m sapiosexual, so for me, an intelligent man is sexy. I love geeks, and a geek with a good sense of humour? Heavenly. Speaking of….
A good sense of humour – I don’t like the kind of “humour” that involves throwing hurtful jobes at one another, but a little bit of playful affection is a-okay. I need to feel accepted for who and what I am. If you can play with me without insulting me, it’s gonna be a good match. Also I’m a brat, and I love harmless, playful pranks and silly, affectionate goofiness. I need to feel safe around you, and feeling like I can be goofy with you is a great way of establishing that.
Genuine – I can sniff out a liar in a heartbeat. I’ve studied psychology and body language since I was about ten years old, so very little gets past me. As soon as I catch you in a lie, the facade wears off and the interest is soon gone.
Realistic – Shit happens, sometimes plans get cancelled for seemingly odd reasons. It sucks like hell, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. I live in the real world, not a fantasy kinky world where everything runs smoothly and people get punished when they can’t meet expectation. If you can’t be realistic about life and life’s limitations, it won’t work out. Sorry.
Patient – I get anxious and insecure sometimes, particularly, it seems, right before a BDSM scene. I need somebody who can step up and guide me through those moments, before I get too anxious and call the whole thing off completely.
Proud – Your pride matters deeply to me. As your submissive I represent you and your choices, and I try my best to demonstrate that positively in my actions. Hopefully you’ve made a good choice!
Caring – Do you have a dog? A cat? A fish? A tortoise? A houseplant? If you have something that you care for and look after regularly, it tells me that you’re caring and responsible. If you can be responsible for them, it tells me that you might also be responsible in caring for me, and that’s a big green light, right there. I’ve been involved with two fathers in my time, and whilst I was attracted to both of them, they were both hiding me from their wives. For that reason I’m very wary of fathers now, unless they are…
Honest -This is similar to being genuine, but it’s different. I’ve been caught in a web of lies before and again I reiterate, I cannot stand dishonesty. I won’t be anybody’s guilty secret ever again and it’s imperative to me that you can be honest with me and about me, in all forms. This also matters in terms of sexual health.
Interesting – I love to get to know people, in and out of a BDSM scene. Do you have an interesting job or hobby? Have you been somewhere interesting on your travels? Have you met somebody famous? I love having interesting conversations.
Ideally… Creative – The ability to get playful and creative in a scene is undeniably sexy. There’s not much more I can really say on that!
Ideally… Clean – My olfactory senses are strong, so a man who smells of body wash, laundry detergent and aftershave? Delicious! Chewing gum or a breath mint is a bonus too. Minty breath is not something you come across often enough, but kissing a man with minty breath is unforgettable, trust me!
My Must-Not-Haves in A Dominant Partner
Strict – Through experience, I’ve come to realise that I cannot have somebody who wants or tries to control my every waking move. I am my own person, I am more than capable of my own thought and I will demonstrate that fact freely. If you ask me to do something then I will move heaven and earth to get it done. Outside of the bedroom, I don’t take orders from anyone.
Overly Jealous – Two of my closest friends are male (they also share the same name!). It’s okay to be a little insecure sometimes, but if you’re going to try to control my life because of your insecurities, I’m going to cut my losses pretty quickly. Trust is the antidote to jealousy, and it is said that trust in a relationship is like the fuel in a car: You can press the accelorator all you want, but without fuel, the car isn’t going anywhere.
Immaturity – After five years old, poop and fart jokes aren’t funny and they certainly aren’t sexy in a fully grown man. Everybody poops, and everybody farts too. Shit happens, literally. Deal with it.
Critical – Who’s perfect, really? Everybody has imperfections, I don’t need mine pointed out to me all the time. Gently raise it once, then drop it. If I want to do something about it, I will.
Dishonest – I have to include this? Really? Well, okay. It should go without say by now, but my ideal Dominant is not dishonest – with me, with other partners, with anyone. It’s so unattractive.
Cruel – I’m more than fine with a sadist, but there is a stark difference between playing a sadist, and being a sadist. I’m an empath, so if you’re cruel to animals or other people, it won’t sit well with me. Not only, but I’m not going to put myself on the receiving end of your cruel streak.
A braggart – We’ve all got things to be proud of, and we’ve all got things we can be boastful of, but when it’s a constant game of one-upmanship then it can get dull, and fast. It’s okay to be proud sometimes, but humility is an attractive quality, too.
An abuser – substance or alcohol, though I also extend that to anyone who is sexually, physically, emotionally, financially or verbally abusive. It’s not hard to be a semi-decent human being.
Irresponsible – Being irresponsible elsewhere tells me that you could be irresponsible with me. If you’re a speedster, a heavy drinker or wreckless with your sexual proclivities, I’m going to to be hesistant. Thanks, but I value my life.
Political extremes – I try to keep an open mind with politics in that there must be a reason for everything, but when I meet someone with extreme views who tries to convert me to their views or dictates my life based on those views, then that’s not okay with me. I’m centre-left, and politically central people go predominantly by good ol’ common sense. Live and let live, everybody has their reasons for feeling the way they do, nobody is right or wrong.