Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
There are a lot of questions to answer here, and really the answer to each question does vary. So, with that in mind, I’m going to address each nagativity separately.
Has your submission ever let you down?
No, if anything, I’d even go so far as to say that it has awoken me. Let’s dial it back to the beginning – when I started on this adventure, I was a Dominant woman. I led, took control of and cared for others because I felt like that was what I had to do, what I was destined to do, what I was already good at doing. I am a leader, so it makes sense for me to carry on leading in this world too, right? Stick to what you know.
In the end, I burned out.
You know how you go on vacation every few months to get away from work? That’s basically what I needed to do. I needed a kinky vacation. I needed to not take control for a change. Enter submission.
A lot of people hate Fifty Shades Of Grey, and yet for me, there is a line in the movie that is so prominent. In the movie, Christian says to Ana that “by giving up control, I felt free. From responsibilities, from making decisions. I felt safe”. For me, realising quite how free I felt in my submission was one of the defining moments that made me realise that I really belonged on the other side of the coin. Oh sure I’d long had fantasies of submission, but I quashed them in favour of being the Domme that I thought I was supposed to be. At the same time though, I was keeping a deep, dark secret: I was always looking for that one person who would eventually overthrow me.
Have you ever been criticized for your submission?
I’ve always been into playing rough, and I mean rough – hair pulling, choking, face slapping, wrestling and so on. I enjoy the adrenaline and the feeling of being handled for all that I am, not treated like a delicate little thing, just because I’m a woman.
One day, I came home from visiting Matt (this was in the early days of our relationship) and I had small bruises on my arms from where Matt had pinned me down. Usually he was careful, but I bruise like a peach anyway so I was always coming home marked. On this occasion my mother saw and she started screaming at me about how it was unacceptable, how he was being too rough with me, he was an abuser etc. Shamefully, I used to call them my “sex bruises” and I wore my sex bruises with pride. I like marks of my use and ownership, but I’m not okay with heavy brusing. Still though, I thought YKINMK (YKIOK) was a thing?!
Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship?
Maybe in my last relationship. I feel like some people hear ‘submissive’ and they think ‘weak’, which is honestly a catastrophic mistake to make. Submissives are typically very strong people who do what they do to take the weight of the world off of their shoulders for a while, they are not necessarily weak people at all. I feel like my ex saw my submission as an opportunity, as a chance to take control of something and to meet a need, a selfish need, and my growth as a submissive was inconsequential to him. That’s sad and it’s unfortunate, but it is also what happens when people enter the BDSM community without fully understanding what it truly takes to be a good Dominant.
Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
Yes, three times, and again this was really about meeting Dominants that weren’t right for me, who weren’t sensitive to my preferences, needs, or what I was looking for.
Let’s start with D. D was what I’d like to call an “uber sadist” (I can’t even believe I said that, but go with it). D was into piercing, cutting, tattoos and God alone knows what else. D wanted to meet me, and we picked a venue, but then I got really nervous and couldn’t go ahead because of what he was now asking of me ahead of the meet (I’d wear a collar and get my clit pierced if I agreed to become his sub). When I refused to meet him he got really mad with me, saying that I was a disappointment and will never be a good sub to anyone. I took a lot of his words to heart.
After that came T. T and I both shared a medical kink, but T was into it in a very big way, and I was more “dabbling my toes and curious”. We met up for drinks, and T gave me some latex gloves that he insisted I put inside my bra and panties for the rest of the meet, then wear them home. At no point did I say no to him, because I felt like I couldn’t. At no time did he check in with me or my happiness, he was having too much fun. T asked me for my address, and feeling like we would have some kind of relationship from this, I obliged – a big mistake! About two weeks later, I had packets upon packets of badly fitting latexwear posted through my door – none of which I’d been measured for, none of which I’d been taught how to put on, and none of which I’d been asked how I’d feel about wearing. Naturally I freaked out, ended the relationship and sent all of the latexwear back to him. That moment was enough to put me off of latexwear forever – though I do shamelessly still love snapping on a pair of medical-grade latex gloves!
After T was G, an author. We got along okay at first, but he was really big on punishing me, and for all and anything. Sometimes I was sure he just punished me to punish me, and some of his punishments had lasting effects beyond perhaps what he’d intended, like toothpaste on my clit (which nearly always caused an excruciating UTI) or clothespegs which he made me wear without asking me just to try them out first. Again I did it to please him, because I was uninformed that a submissive really can say no. I found his attitude towards me a bit sucky after a while too; sometimes he would talk about leaving me bound and exposed in front of a window all day while he went out for a bit, sometimes he would call me “silly” or make other belittling comments that made me feel insecure, and other times he would just cut me off because he was bored with me. I left him for dust when he wanted a relationship with me if only to keep tabs on the pretty, busty girl that I was loosely friends with. I’m either a first choice, or not at all!
I think since then, knowing who I am has helped me find those that I’m compatable with, that I can play with, and not to give a fluff about what anyone else thinks. I’m not for everyone, I know that, I get that, and that’s fine. I’m strong-willed, I’m feisty, I’m playful and bloody naughty sometimes, but I’m a sweetheart, a senstitive soul and a hopeless romantic, also. Those who have me know that they can never fully own me, they can never fully possess me, what we have is all about fun and mutual respect.
I am an untamable, ferocious creature, and that’s okay.