Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.
Whenever you meet a kinky couple, it’s usually such that you assume that one partner has always been the Dominant and the other has always been submissive, and yet, for Two Kinky Cooks, such is not the case. I actually started out in the BDSM community as a Dominant, until something clicked that told me that I just wasn’t feeling fulfilled. I was doing a lot of caring for others and meeting others needs, but I wasn’t feeling cared for or feeling like my needs were met in myself. As a natural leader, it seemed instinctive for me to keep leading, and yet, it turned out that I was really needing some down time of my own.
Now that we have that little revelation out of the way, it’s time to talk a little bit about Domination in BDSM, In my many years of BDSM (and work as a BDSM educator), I have seen and heard of some real doozies, so I hope that this list will help you to find yourself, and your style of Domination. It is imperative that you know that there is no one right or wrong way to be a Dominant, just as there is no right or wrong way to be a submissive. Find what feels right for you, find your natural flow and your own way of doing things. This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope that it will provide some useful pointers for you:
● Do, again, remember that there is no such thing as a ‘right’ kind of Dominant.
● Don’t believe that you need to be strict and controlling to be a Dominant.
● Do feel free to incorporate a more jovial personality, if you want to – some of the best sadists have a cracking sense of humour!
● Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you need to be strict and controlling to be a real Dominant.
● Do feel free to dress however you feel comfortable. You don’t have to wear a catsuit or ripped jeans if you don’t want to!
● Don’t be afraid to show your caring side. There’s nothing quite like a Dominant who really cares for their submissive partner.
● Do think carefully about the rules that you apply. Don’t impost rules just because you can, think only about the ones that will be beneficial to you and your partner.
● Don’t expect your partner to do unreasonable, excessive tasks. E.g. Working out for 30 minutes every day is reasonable, 200 sit-ups everyday for someone who has never worked out before is not.
● Do respect your partner’s hard limits. It is absolutely not okay to make them do something that they don’t want to do, just because you’re the Dominant partner. If it’s not a limit, try to discuss and understand their hesitancy so that you can make the activity work for them.
● Don’t punish your partner for using their safeword. Safewords are there for a reason!
● Do talk to your submissive partner about hobbies, interests and life events outside of BDSM, if that is part of your arrangement. A lot of people in the BDSM community don’t simply switch off from one another outside of BDSM sessions – we’re human beings, too!
● Don’t assume that just because you have met a submissive, you can treat them as anything less than a person. This is a common rookie mistake. In BDSM. Unless you have an agreed arrangement, everyone is on an even level to you, and everyone is free to walk away from you if you don’t respect that. No submissive is yours to humiliate and abuse unless and until its agreed.
● Do keep communication open in at least one form or another. BDSM doesn’t only happen in the bedroom or dungeon. Thoughts and feelings can crop up anytime, anywhere.
● Don’t absolve your partner of all control ‘just because you’re the Dominant. In a BDSM relationship, it is the submissive who has all of the control. If it’s too much for them, they’re always legally free to leave and find someone else!
● Do practise, practise, practise! Long before you even think about flogging or spanking your partner, you need to understand techniques, you need to understand safe (and not-so-safe) zones and you need to be clear on safewords. Before you begin tying knots, you need to know which ones are safe to use and how to tie them well. The art of being a good Dominant is quite simply never to assume that you already know everything – we guarantee you don’t!
● Don’t use terms like “Proper Dominant”, “Super Dominant” or “Uber Dominant”, they only serve to make you look ill-informed and immature. No Dominant is better or worse than another (unless they’ve been found to be intentionally abusive!). In a similar vein, scrap the idea that there is such a thing as a “proper” BDSM experience,. A proper BDSM session is whatever you and your partner want it to be!
We hope you found this list useful. Don’t forget, just as each person’s fingerprint is individual, so your style of Domination will be unique to you, too!
Until next time,
Stay safe & have fun,
Helen & Matt xx