Disclaimer: This post mentions topics involving consensual sexual violence. Not suitable for individuals under eighteen years of age. Reader discretion is advised.

You’ve read our pages but still nothing answers your question. Take a look below and see if we’ve answered it for you. If not, feel free to get in touch and we’ll do what we can to help!

I’m really interested in BDSM but I’m not sure whether my partner is. How can I talk to them about it?

We understand that the first conversation is an extremely nerve-wracking experience, but if you’re planning to have it – congratulations! So many couples are nervous the first time they explore BDSM, and if only one of you is kinky, that can be an even more frightening experience.

First, your timing is everything. If they’re trying to get the kids ready for bed, now is not the time! Find a time when you’re both free to talk, when the chores are done and it’s just the two of you. If they’ve never explored BDSM before, they may have lots of questions.

Think carefully about your answer to each question. If you want to tie them up, “I want to tie you and show you new and exciting pleasures” will probably sell them out a lot more than “I want to tie you up and use you as my sex object” will. Right now, your partner needs to know what’s in it for them – t’s a little bit ‘art of the sale’ here! You could also provide them with a copy of When Someone You Love Is Kinky, which you can find on our Recommended Reads page.

Finally, allow them some time. If they’re only used to lights off, missionary sex, it can be a lot to take on. Once you’ve mentioned it, give them some days (maybe even a few weeks!) to consider it. Be on hand to listen, talk and answer questions they might have. Be honest, even if the answer is awkward for you. Trust and communication are key to these relationships.

Isn’t it wrong to be into BDSM?

Not at all! In fact, there are even proven benefits to the BDSM lifestyle! Usually, the idea that it is ‘wrong’ comes from an outdated idea of what it is, and what it involves. BDSM doesn’t have to involve screaming and whipping, unless you want it to..

Doesn’t BDSM hurt?

Not always.

I really want to try BDSM now. What’s the best toys to start with?

Assuming you’ve read our other pages about safe S & M play, communication and safewords, we’d recommend something like this for starting out. It has everything you need, plus cuffs, rather than ties or rope. For starting out, we don’t advise anything that can accidentally get knotted. Nobody wants to have to cut their partner out of their toys on their first session!

I want to go to a BDSM club but I’d be way too scared. What are they like?

First things first, you need to be aware that there are two types – BDSM clubs, and BDSM munches.

BDSM muches are held in a vanilla setting where everybody wears completely casual clothes and talks about completely normal things. The idea is so that you can see that kinky people really are just normal people, and BDSM is something that we do and a sort of role that we take on. Once you you swap a fairy cakes recipe with a residential Mistress, she won’t be nearly so scary when you bump into her at a club.

As for BDSM clubs, I wrote about my first experiences here. A lot more goes on in clubs, but it’s really important to remember that you can get as involved as much as you do (or don’t) want to. Most people are still just ordinary people who will be perfectly normal and nice people to you (especially the hosts, who will be particularly accustomed to nervous newcomers!). Perhaps most importantly, remember that you are also free to leave at any time. Not enjoying your visit? That’s okay!

Isn’t BDSM against religion?

The answer to this question is complicated, so hold tight.

Within a marriage, many religions view BDSM at least as something that happens between a husband and wife to please the husband. It might be frowned upon, but it’s not against religion per se. However, if you are seen to be causing harm to your wife, that could be more difficult to argue. As is the case in many religions, a husband should protect his wife, not harm her. Can you explore a bit of sensual, sexy pleasure together? Most probably. If you feel that there might be a cap as to how far you can go before you’re harming your wife in accordance to your faith, then I would stop there. Be your own judge, make your own decisions on what you feel might or might not be allowed according to your God, but know that there are many people of various faiths within the BDSM community. If you think bondage and tickling might be okay but flogging and spanking might not be, that’s okay! Make it work for you.

Outside of marriage, it does appear that BDSM would be criticised, and as such, could still be met with the same consequences as premarital sex. If your God wouldn’t want you to sleep with anyone outside of marriage, it may be better to hold off. Fortunately, as our world modernises and more and more young people are choosing not to hold a faith, so more and more people are also opening their eyes to BDSM. The overwhelming popularity of Fifty Shades Of Grey probably also helped propel us out there!

That said, there are still some religions (Mormonism or Jehovah’s Witnesses here in the UK would be one such example) that would most likely see BDSM as being completely unacceptable, and so if you’re religion is likely to see you exiled from your community, beaten or even killed, please seriously think about what matters most to you. We can’t and won’t tell you to give up on your faith, but some people absolutely do wind up choosing to change or leave their faith once they discover their inclinations towards the BDSM lifestyle.

Have you got a burning question that you think needs to be up here? Drop us an email at heythere@kinkywithatwist.com and we will do our best to answer it for you!

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen & Matt xx